Two Words

The Laughing Infertility Menace

It's like a cruel joke to see the digital "PREGNANT" staring at you when you know it's not true (or at least not registrable yet).  And why didn't that photo stay turned the correct way? 

This is what I get to look at as I test out the HCG trigger. . .

Why do I endure this torture?  Well. . . if I don't test out the trigger, then when I finally get that BFP I won't trust it because it could *possibly* be residual HCG from the trigger shot.

Why two tests?  The ClearBlue Digital aren't overly sensitive so I wanted to see how the Dollar Tree "Assured" brand stacked up.  In my miscarriage cycle, the Dollar Tree tests were as sensitive as First Response Early Result.  This time at 6 dpt both were positive, at 8 dpt ClearBlue was negative but there was the faintest hint of a line on the Dollar Tree test. 

I'm understanding what they mean when they say "A Little Pregnant".

In other news. . .

I'm 11dpt (past trigger) and waiting. . . I had a great temp dip on my chart yesterday at 9dpo and today my temp spiked up looking tri-phasic. . . we shall see what the next couple of days hold.

Trigger Happy

Today marks CD13.  I have three follicles on the right ovary-  they measured at 27.4mm, 22.8, & 22.1.  My lining was at 9.2mm which resolved my concerns over the clomid affecting my endometrium.  The left ovary was lazy, but that's okay.  Three big, fat, follicles is plenty for me.

Dr. Awesome thought my LH surge may have already started with how big my follicles are.  I had some lines on the OPK yesterday but nothing that was positive by test standards.  I tested 3x daily from CD10-12.  Anyway, Dr. A was in a hurry for us to get some BD on since we didn't want to miss our window.  We triggered even though he wasn't sure it was necessary.  Last BD session was Sunday after a 72 hour break, so that should have gotten some good swimmers in there.  Today was icing, although the break may not have been long enough for the sperm count to be good (40hrs, we test best at 60-72 hours).  (There was conversation over if it was worth doing a LH blood test, but I'd possibly have to trigger anyway and the blood test costs as much as the trigger- so why not skip it since the trigger won't cause any interference with ovulation even it it has started.)

Hubs ran home from school and we managed to get a quickie in.  That's all it takes, right?  While he rushed back to school, I propped up my rear for 30 minutes.

We truly are that comedic infertile couple the movies depict. . . *sigh*.

Here's hoping tomorrow shows a temperature spike.

Infertility Sucks

I haven't had a proper drink in nearly two years. . .

When I have pain, I have to evaluate where I am in my cycle to determine if I can take ibuprofen. . .

Every time AF shows up I'm a weepy mess. . .

Everyone around me is pregnant. . . including teenagers who have no business having sex. . .

My maternity clothes are being worn by other women. . .

Before having sex, we must figure out where I am in my cycle and decide if we've had the appropriate length of a "break" since the last time we had sex (for sperm count). . .

My entire life revolves around a thermometer, pills, injections, charts, Doctors, ultrasounds, & vials of freshly collected semen with a short life span. .  .

Who knew ovaries could be so painful. . .

Many of the infertiles I've been following have graduated to pregnancy or finalized adoption. . . 

Money. . .

Moral dilemmas. . .

Choosing the sacrifice of NOT pursuing IVF. .  . (when part of me is screaming, a baby at any cost!).

Today I'm 17dpo.  I had FIVE beautiful, ripe follicles 17 days ago.  Today, I got a negative which means not one of those eggs met up with the swimmers.

AF will show any day.   On to another cycle.  Praying this one won't be wrought with disappointment. 

Nice Eggs. . . er. . . Follicles.

My infertile OCD kicked into overdrive yesterday. . . I went in for at scan (CD14) because I wasn't seeing movement on my fertility monitor and I was getting antsy.

The good (great?) news is that I do, in fact, have FIVE follicles ripening up that should ovulate in the next day or two. . . My left is sporting two (24.5mm & 13.4mm) while my right has three (18.5mm, 15.3mm, & 13.9mm).  The best response I've had previously (that we know of, I haven't had a scan every cycle).  S (Dr. Awesome's assistant) said that all five will likely ovulate but all five probably won't be mature enough to fertilize due to the smaller follicle size. 

Waiting. . .

That's the story of my life. . . waiting for ovulation. . . the two week wait. . . waiting for AF. . . waiting to finally get a BFP.

Today, I'm cd11.  My Clearblue fertility monitor says I'm at "high" fertility. . . I'm expecting a "peak" reading within a few days.

Poor hubs has been deprived for the last 72 hours. . . tonight he gets lucky.  Today is our best shot at getting good quality swimmers where they need to be to lie in wait for the egg(s).  From tonight we will wait another 60 hours and repeat as needed until ovulation is confirmed.

I took clomid 150mg again this cycle, but I forgot (how do you forget?) to pick up my prescription on CD3 when I was suppose to start so I took it CD4-8 this cycle.   I had to go in for a monitoring scan at the beginning of this cycle or I couldn't medicate.  I decided it was worth the $450 this time as I wasn't willing to wait.  The good news is that I had at least 15 antral follicles between my ovaries and Dr. Awesome assured me that my time is not running out (despite turning 35 later this year).

In other news, I haven't lost any more weight. . . I find myself slipping into a plateau because I'm at a weight/size that I am okay with (even if I don't love it). . . I'm trying to restart hardcore today. . . I've had a lot of slips since our camping trip at the beginning of July. . . time to get back on track!  I'm convinced that the removal of sugar and grains helped us conceive in our miscarriage cycle, so I'm praying and hoping that helps again soon!

One of Those Days

This morning, I ran into a girl who worked out at they gym in the wee hours of the morning. . . I haven't been going to the gym since the miscarriage.  She happily asks, "Did you get your wish yet?". . .  I replied "no".  Then she beams and says, "I did!". 

She's 8 weeks pregnant. . . due two weeks after I would have been.  I realized as I stood there that I should be 10 weeks pregnant today. . . instead, I tested negative again today at 17dpo and discontinued my progesterone so that AF can show up.

I'm a mess.  When does this start getting easier?  When do I accept that I may never get to have a baby with my husband?