Life After Infertility

It's official. . . I'm 12.2 weeks with our one surviving bambino.  Last week, I was released to the OB and had another ultrasound.  Baby looks beautiful.

Looking back at these last 12 weeks (and 2 years, really). . . it has been an emotional roller coaster from HELL.  When I got that double line, I so wanted to be happy but I was cautious.  I knew from our history that a positive didn't mean a stick baby.  Three BETAs later, with numbers rising at better than doubling rate, I started relaxing a bit.  Then the ultrasounds started. . . you have three!  Oh, wait, two have heartbeats but maybe only one is viable.  Oh. . . two look beautiful.  Two still looking good.  Oh. . . now there's one.  Ugh. . . I've spent the weeks since in this state of fear. . . when will my last baby be gone.  It's like waiting for the inevitable to happen.  Thankfully, it looks like we've avoided that and still have a strong baby growing inside.  I've rounded the corner into "safety" but I know there are still so many things that could go wrong.  Even so, I'm starting to act like we will have a baby at the end of this.

I'm still struggling with enormous grief over the loss of our twin.  I don't know if it's the compound loss of 3 out of 4 babies we've conceived in the last year, or if it was because that baby was healthy and looked like it would make it and then, suddenly, was gone.  Whatever the reasons, I think I will always mourn that baby.  We saw the cutest little B/G twins at the library the other night and I lost it.

There are a couple of moms in my life after infertility forum that are expecting twins around the time I am due. . . I am happy for them, their babies are growing strong. . . they don't have to go through the turmoil that I am, loss while still expecting. . . loss that no one understands.  But reading their updates is getting very very difficult for me.  I'm so sad and heartsick over our lost babies.

I'm trying to focus on that beautiful little baby we saw on the ultrasound last week.  Kicking it's little legs around.  We could see little eyes, nose, mouth. . . best of all, we could see it's little heart beating away.  I'm praying for this baby, and the souls of the ones we've lost.  I'm trying to refocus my planning from multiple babies to a singleton.  I'm trying to not think too far into the future when we try for a close in age sibling (there will be almost 9 years between this baby and our youngest child).  I'm already joking with hubs that maybe we should start the adoption process after baby is born. . . I don't know if I can go through this roller coaster of infertility/loss/pregnancy again!

Here's a picture of our happy little bean at 11.2 weeks.

Ultrasound #5

After the week 8 ultrasound, I went into my 9wk 3day scan expecting to see growing babies, but otherwise have it be uneventful.  Both babies looked great and had almost no different between them in size or heart rates.

We knew immediately at the start of this scan something was wrong.  We could see one baby dancing around but the other one didn't look right.  And S didn't say anything.  Finally, she said, "well we have one good healthy baby here but I think we've lost the other one". She brought in Dr. A and he spent a good deal of time looking at both babies.  Sometime in the last couple of days, Baby A died.  We don't know why.  A had the strongest HB from the beginning so this was a real shock.  It looks like that weird shaped sac may have had something to do with it.  Her sac was a long oval instead of the normal circle.  A was on the far right of the oval and her placenta was on the far left.  We could see her cord stretched out across the sac and a clot/cyst in her cord. My hypothesis is that the distance caused a tear in the cord which led to a clot. . . what other explanation is there for a healthy baby being gone.  We'd had no signs that this one had genetic issues because it was growing so well. . . I've also seen other babies with strange sac shapes that do just fine. I wonder if my damaged lower uterus had something to do with this since the two babies we lost were the ones implanted at the base of my uterus and B, who is strong and healthy was at the top.  Maybe A was spread out because the embryo tried to implant in the fluffier tissue and the distance was just too much for the baby.  In the ultrasound picture above, you can see healthy B, in the part of the sac that's visible to the left you can see the yolk/placenta. . . the rest of the sac for A extended behind B's and A was a couple inches away from the yolk/placenta.  I have pictures of A also, but it's obvious she's gone and I don't want to post them.  She still looks like a little baby but different.

Who knows.  I'm having a very very very hard time with this.  I should feel thrilled that we have a baby coming. . . that was the plan.  But to have gone from 3, to 2, and now to 1 feels like a nightmare.  I feel like my body is killing my babies and I am waiting for the bad news that we've lost B too.  Dr. A tried to reassure me that B looked great, she was dancing and wiggling all over the place and looked healthy and strong. . . but it's hard to believe I will have a baby at the end of all this.

Coupled with our loss in June, I've managed to conceive 4 babies and have lost 3 of them.  We are praying very hard that B holds on and we are rewarded with a healthy baby in 28 weeks or so.

Today, I am 10wks 3days.  No ultrasound this week, I've been released to my OB.  I will meet him on the 25th and have another scan then.  In the meantime I'm slightly attached to a doppler, trying to reassure myself that B is okay in there.

How are the Twins?

Baby A looks squished in there. . . but her sac is the odd ball one and part of it is over behind the other two.  HB 171.

Baby B HB 166.

Both measuring right on track for gestational age.

Baby C's sac is getting smaller in comparison, but is larger than it looks in this photo.

Baby Update

Mickey Mouse is in my uterus!  :-)

Here's the scoop.  Three sacs are still growing but only two have live babies.  So, at this point we have twins, but my body thinks there are three since the sac is still getting bigger.  Evidently little jelly bean #3 quit growing but jelly beans #1 & 2 are keeping the sac going. 

Jelly Bean #1- CRL 9.1mm, GS 27.7mm, HR= 125bpm  (6wk 6days)
Jelly Bean #2- CRL 12.7mm, GS 23.8mm, HR= 144bpm (7wk 4days)
Today I am officially 7weeks 3days pregnant. 

Sac 1 is very odd shaped. . . for a minute, Dr Awesome thought we had four sacs now.  Then he realized it was one odd shaped sac.  He searched all over for a hidden identical twin in that sac, but only found the one baby.

This image doesn't show it well, but Jelly Bean #1 & #2 are pretty close in size and both are measuring correctly for this stage.

Ultrasound #2

Jan. 22, 2013.  This was suppose to be our first scan.  6 weeks 3 days.
Baby A isn't looking great- 8.2 mm, no heartbeat visible yet.
Baby B looks good, GS 14.2mm CRL 6.2mm HR= 125.
Baby C iffy, GS 17.2mm, CRL 4.2mm, HR= 111.
Next scan on Wednesday, Jan. 30th.

First Ultrasound

A week early- did I mention my neurosis?  5 weeks 3 days and it's TRIPLETS.

Baby A is the small one- 6.2mm, B is 10.1mm (and kind of squashed), C is 10.6mm.  Nothing much else is visible because this is EARLY.  Tubes are clear, ovaries are enlarged but no obvious reasons for all the pain I'm having.

BETA 3

Otherwise known as calming my neurosis. . .

18dpo/IUI= 1781!!! Doubling time of 36hrs.

Now, I only have to fret over the possibility of ectopic (not likely) until my ultrasound on the 22nd.