I've been meaning to write our story. . . but it isn't over yet and something has been holding me back. Today, I am 28 + 3 days pregnant with our survivor. I am ecstatic, over the moon, thrilled to watch my belly bounce with my active, apparently healthy baby. I am scared beyond belief. When we lost the 2nd of our trio, I told myself it would get easier once this baby passed the first trimester. . . once this baby passed the anatomy scans. . . once this baby hit viability. . . once this baby comes home.
But will it ever get easier? For a while I was able to put our losses on the back burner. They didn't consume my every thought. I've lost babies before. . . none have been as hard as our loss from 2-1 this time. Losing the first of our triplets wasn't as hard, maybe because I never saw that baby's beating heart? Maybe because losing the second of the trio scared the bejeebers out of me and left me gasping for breath, praying that we would still have a baby at the end of this road.
Today, I try to feel confident that this strong baby will be coming home with us in 11 weeks time. My c-section is scheduled. My pre and post op appointments are scheduled. I passed my scans and was released from maternal fetal medicine to my regular OB. By all the statistics, I should be breathing a little easier now. We have a baby. Our baby is healthy by all measures. Even if baby was born today, his/her chance of survival is high with minimal risk of long term issues. So, why can't I breath easier? Why can't I go along in peaceful oblivion counting the days until my baby takes its first breath?
As our baby shower celebration approaches, I find myself more at a loss than ever. This was suppose to be a celebration for a TRIO, and then for a DUO. Now, it's a celebration (no less wonderful) for a SINGLE. . . and somehow, it feels anti-climatic despite our years of infertility treatments. We are blessed to be having this baby and I know that and I love this child with every fiber of my being. . . but I'm still waiting for him/her to be ripped from my womb. Will that feeling ever end? Will I become the hovering over protective parent that lives in constant fear of harm falling on my child? Will I one day be able to breath deeply and say, "my baby lives"?
Recently I had to go back through our baby registries and update everything to a singleton, and I spent many hours in tears. . . all the hopes and dreams that came with a multiple pregnancy are gone, those hopes far outweighed any of the fears and complications that I knew would come with the pregnancy as well. I wasn't frightened of the challenges that arrive with multiples. I was thrilled to have been blessed with the opportunity.
My oldest daughter is almost 13. . . she says to me, "I just don't understand why God gave us three and took two away". Neither do I, but I'm learning to trust that HE knows better than I.
Then there's the loss world and where do I fit in? I have at least four preborn babies waiting in Heaven. I believe they are in the loving arms of my Mama who went home to Jesus four years ago. I'm stuck in this between world. . . I have dead babies inside my womb, waiting for their surviving sibling to be born. Then we will bury our placenta with their remains and look for some closure to their loss. I don't fit in with the loss community, I feel like there are few that understand the complexity of my emotions. Yes, I am happy I still have a baby. . . but that doesn't diminish the pain of the babies I will never meet Earthside. The babies I don't get to hold and cuddle. . . it doesn't change the fact that I will look at this sweet baby when s/he is born and mourn for the loss of the ones who are no longer here.
When do I stop weeping when I see multiples out and about with their Mamas fighting with doors as they push their limo of a stroller through. . . when will I stop hoping that the Doctors were wrong and that somehow I'm going to miraculously deliver a healthy duo or trio? When will I believe that my survivor isn't going to be ripped away from me too?
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
Life After Infertility
It's official. . . I'm 12.2 weeks with our one surviving bambino. Last week, I was released to the OB and had another ultrasound. Baby looks beautiful.
Looking back at these last 12 weeks (and 2 years, really). . . it has been an emotional roller coaster from HELL. When I got that double line, I so wanted to be happy but I was cautious. I knew from our history that a positive didn't mean a stick baby. Three BETAs later, with numbers rising at better than doubling rate, I started relaxing a bit. Then the ultrasounds started. . . you have three! Oh, wait, two have heartbeats but maybe only one is viable. Oh. . . two look beautiful. Two still looking good. Oh. . . now there's one. Ugh. . . I've spent the weeks since in this state of fear. . . when will my last baby be gone. It's like waiting for the inevitable to happen. Thankfully, it looks like we've avoided that and still have a strong baby growing inside. I've rounded the corner into "safety" but I know there are still so many things that could go wrong. Even so, I'm starting to act like we will have a baby at the end of this.
I'm still struggling with enormous grief over the loss of our twin. I don't know if it's the compound loss of 3 out of 4 babies we've conceived in the last year, or if it was because that baby was healthy and looked like it would make it and then, suddenly, was gone. Whatever the reasons, I think I will always mourn that baby. We saw the cutest little B/G twins at the library the other night and I lost it.
There are a couple of moms in my life after infertility forum that are expecting twins around the time I am due. . . I am happy for them, their babies are growing strong. . . they don't have to go through the turmoil that I am, loss while still expecting. . . loss that no one understands. But reading their updates is getting very very difficult for me. I'm so sad and heartsick over our lost babies.
I'm trying to focus on that beautiful little baby we saw on the ultrasound last week. Kicking it's little legs around. We could see little eyes, nose, mouth. . . best of all, we could see it's little heart beating away. I'm praying for this baby, and the souls of the ones we've lost. I'm trying to refocus my planning from multiple babies to a singleton. I'm trying to not think too far into the future when we try for a close in age sibling (there will be almost 9 years between this baby and our youngest child). I'm already joking with hubs that maybe we should start the adoption process after baby is born. . . I don't know if I can go through this roller coaster of infertility/loss/pregnancy again!
Here's a picture of our happy little bean at 11.2 weeks.
Looking back at these last 12 weeks (and 2 years, really). . . it has been an emotional roller coaster from HELL. When I got that double line, I so wanted to be happy but I was cautious. I knew from our history that a positive didn't mean a stick baby. Three BETAs later, with numbers rising at better than doubling rate, I started relaxing a bit. Then the ultrasounds started. . . you have three! Oh, wait, two have heartbeats but maybe only one is viable. Oh. . . two look beautiful. Two still looking good. Oh. . . now there's one. Ugh. . . I've spent the weeks since in this state of fear. . . when will my last baby be gone. It's like waiting for the inevitable to happen. Thankfully, it looks like we've avoided that and still have a strong baby growing inside. I've rounded the corner into "safety" but I know there are still so many things that could go wrong. Even so, I'm starting to act like we will have a baby at the end of this.
I'm still struggling with enormous grief over the loss of our twin. I don't know if it's the compound loss of 3 out of 4 babies we've conceived in the last year, or if it was because that baby was healthy and looked like it would make it and then, suddenly, was gone. Whatever the reasons, I think I will always mourn that baby. We saw the cutest little B/G twins at the library the other night and I lost it.
There are a couple of moms in my life after infertility forum that are expecting twins around the time I am due. . . I am happy for them, their babies are growing strong. . . they don't have to go through the turmoil that I am, loss while still expecting. . . loss that no one understands. But reading their updates is getting very very difficult for me. I'm so sad and heartsick over our lost babies.
I'm trying to focus on that beautiful little baby we saw on the ultrasound last week. Kicking it's little legs around. We could see little eyes, nose, mouth. . . best of all, we could see it's little heart beating away. I'm praying for this baby, and the souls of the ones we've lost. I'm trying to refocus my planning from multiple babies to a singleton. I'm trying to not think too far into the future when we try for a close in age sibling (there will be almost 9 years between this baby and our youngest child). I'm already joking with hubs that maybe we should start the adoption process after baby is born. . . I don't know if I can go through this roller coaster of infertility/loss/pregnancy again!
Here's a picture of our happy little bean at 11.2 weeks.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Clear for Take Off
Scan this morning revealed ovaries doing exactly what they should be doing. Yay! This means no needle aspiration for me (at least not today).
Because of an upcoming long weekend trip, we are manipulating my cycle. . . I'll continue the BCPs until Wednesday. Then on CD3, I will start injections of HMG Lepori (generic Menopur/Repronex). We will do a step down protocol. . . 3 vials (225iu)/day for 3 days, then 2 vials (150iu) on the 4th day and a scan on the 5th day (or CD7). Depending on that scan, we will decided to go up or down on the dosage. If things go according to the norm (and when do I ever follow the norm?), we may be back at the clinic for hopeful baby making on Christmas day.
Dr. Awesome said, "remind me again how you feel about twins or triplets?". :-) And reassured me that even with 6 mature follicles the chance of conceiving high order multiples (and staying pregnant to the magic 10 week mark) was slim to none given our history. However, we are slightly increased risk of triplets due to our past proven fertility but also have the fact working against us that getting and staying pregnant has been difficult. . . So, in a way we have a higher risk of being in that 10% triplet group and in another way we have a lower risk, especially of making it to the magic 10 week mark. He said to not be surprised even if we initially conceive three, if they don't all stick.
So, our plan is to proceed with up to 6 mature follicles at trigger (which reminds me, I need to order a refill!). If I have more than 6, Dr. Awesome will do a needle aspiration to remove the extras (to reduce risk of high order multiples and NOT cancel this cycle).
That photo above. . . that's my life for the next couple of weeks. I'm so excited to give myself injections. . . NOT. But, if it gets us a baby or two (heck, I'll even take three), then it's all worth it!
I feel really good about this cycle (ask me a week ago and I was ready to bag it all!). If this one doesn't work. . . well, then we are out of the medical route for a while. . . if it does, I'll have conceived just under the 35 year mark.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Suck Suck Suck
Beginning cycle scan today revealed. . . (drum roll please). . a huge CYST on my right ovary. No No NO!
What this means-
We have only the month of December to get this show on the road because as of January 1, my insurance benefits will be exhausted and we cannot afford to continue on our own at this time.
At first, my RE was all "we'll let you cycle on your own next time and then start the injections, blah blah blah". With tears in my eyes I informed him that would mean we are out for the time being as we can't keep going after the first of the year due to financial constraints.
So, the plan now is to take BCPs for 2-3 weeks. I return on the 9th for another scan and we are hoping that the cyst will be gone. Our other option is to aspirate the cyst with a needle inserted through my vaginal wall. Dr Awesome informed me that he doesn't like doing that but since "you are hardy" he would feel comfortable doing it. We didn't go straight for that because there is a risk of infection and the BCP could work. As long as we are ready to start injections around the 16th, we should have enough time to get the monitoring and IUI in before year end. *Fingers crossed and praying like a mad woman*.
I left the clinic with my tail between my legs and my boxes of injections in my hands. There was no lesson in giving the injections or baggie of syringes to go with. . . I'm praying these injections don't end up going to waste, it's not like we have the option of returning them.
I also received some other wonderful news today, I'm too old for shared IVF (where some other lucky lady would receive half my eggs in return for help with the cost of the cycle) and we have no apparent reason to not be pregnant yet as we are both now textbook "fertile". 24 cycles people. . . even at my "advanced maternal age of nearly 35" that's not normal. What's the statistic? Something like 85% of women "my age" conceive within two years.
In other news. I feel like I'm not allowed to be sad about our sub fertile status or mourn the baby we lost. . . because we have children. Yes, we have children. I have three and I am eternally grateful for them. Hubs has two and we are eternally grateful for them. This doesn't change the fact that I want a child with my husband. I fear losing my husband and not having our child to see him in (irrational, maybe). I am finally married to the man God intended for me. My life is pulled together. We are happy, moderately successful, and at least have enough money to make ends meet (and pay for things like orthodontia). It is incredibly unfair that we cannot have a child. I look around me and see all kinds of girls and women in bad situations having babies and laughing "don't drink the water!".
Am I greedy to desire this child? I don't think so. When I look into my amazing daughters faces, I see myself but I also see the man who hurt me in too many ways to count. I know I can't erase that (nor would I if it meant sacrificing those girls!), but I want to look into my child's face and know it was born of love. . .
What this means-
We have only the month of December to get this show on the road because as of January 1, my insurance benefits will be exhausted and we cannot afford to continue on our own at this time.
At first, my RE was all "we'll let you cycle on your own next time and then start the injections, blah blah blah". With tears in my eyes I informed him that would mean we are out for the time being as we can't keep going after the first of the year due to financial constraints.
So, the plan now is to take BCPs for 2-3 weeks. I return on the 9th for another scan and we are hoping that the cyst will be gone. Our other option is to aspirate the cyst with a needle inserted through my vaginal wall. Dr Awesome informed me that he doesn't like doing that but since "you are hardy" he would feel comfortable doing it. We didn't go straight for that because there is a risk of infection and the BCP could work. As long as we are ready to start injections around the 16th, we should have enough time to get the monitoring and IUI in before year end. *Fingers crossed and praying like a mad woman*.
I left the clinic with my tail between my legs and my boxes of injections in my hands. There was no lesson in giving the injections or baggie of syringes to go with. . . I'm praying these injections don't end up going to waste, it's not like we have the option of returning them.
I also received some other wonderful news today, I'm too old for shared IVF (where some other lucky lady would receive half my eggs in return for help with the cost of the cycle) and we have no apparent reason to not be pregnant yet as we are both now textbook "fertile". 24 cycles people. . . even at my "advanced maternal age of nearly 35" that's not normal. What's the statistic? Something like 85% of women "my age" conceive within two years.
In other news. I feel like I'm not allowed to be sad about our sub fertile status or mourn the baby we lost. . . because we have children. Yes, we have children. I have three and I am eternally grateful for them. Hubs has two and we are eternally grateful for them. This doesn't change the fact that I want a child with my husband. I fear losing my husband and not having our child to see him in (irrational, maybe). I am finally married to the man God intended for me. My life is pulled together. We are happy, moderately successful, and at least have enough money to make ends meet (and pay for things like orthodontia). It is incredibly unfair that we cannot have a child. I look around me and see all kinds of girls and women in bad situations having babies and laughing "don't drink the water!".
Am I greedy to desire this child? I don't think so. When I look into my amazing daughters faces, I see myself but I also see the man who hurt me in too many ways to count. I know I can't erase that (nor would I if it meant sacrificing those girls!), but I want to look into my child's face and know it was born of love. . .
Saturday, November 3, 2012
CD11 Scan
I went in for a scan this morning to see how my follicles are developing. OPKs are unreliable for me and timing is a big concern for us so we decided early was the way to go this cycle.
My ovaries look great. I have four good sized follicles developing on my right ovary (otherwise known as my "good" side). I didn't pay perfect attention to the follicle sizes, but I know they were all between 14 & 18mm today. Monday afternoon I should trigger, we are thinking two more days of follicle development should put most of them around 21mm and hopefully allow my endometrium to thicken (it was only 6.3mm today).
This is the last clomid cycle for the foreseeable future. My lining isn't doing well and obviously I'm not getting pregnant on clomid. I'll place my order with IVFmeds.com on Monday for 20 vials of generic menopur. December we will do injections only. . . and that will be our last treatment cycle. We will have used up our insurance benefit and our medical savings plans. We can't afford the cost of an IVF cycle which would be the next step. (Wishing I had some great skill, like making beautiful quilts or stained glass so I could auction off items to help with the costs.)
I hate the idea of shelling out the money on injectables while I'm still in the middle of a cycle that *could* be successful. I guess if that happens, I will be so happy that donating the meds to the clinic won't be an issue. The good news is that by ordering the meds overseas through IVFmeds.com saves us a LOT of money. My RE says many women in the clinic use meds from there and they are all the same as meds in the U.S., except a whole lot less expensive.
My ovaries look great. I have four good sized follicles developing on my right ovary (otherwise known as my "good" side). I didn't pay perfect attention to the follicle sizes, but I know they were all between 14 & 18mm today. Monday afternoon I should trigger, we are thinking two more days of follicle development should put most of them around 21mm and hopefully allow my endometrium to thicken (it was only 6.3mm today).
This is the last clomid cycle for the foreseeable future. My lining isn't doing well and obviously I'm not getting pregnant on clomid. I'll place my order with IVFmeds.com on Monday for 20 vials of generic menopur. December we will do injections only. . . and that will be our last treatment cycle. We will have used up our insurance benefit and our medical savings plans. We can't afford the cost of an IVF cycle which would be the next step. (Wishing I had some great skill, like making beautiful quilts or stained glass so I could auction off items to help with the costs.)
I hate the idea of shelling out the money on injectables while I'm still in the middle of a cycle that *could* be successful. I guess if that happens, I will be so happy that donating the meds to the clinic won't be an issue. The good news is that by ordering the meds overseas through IVFmeds.com saves us a LOT of money. My RE says many women in the clinic use meds from there and they are all the same as meds in the U.S., except a whole lot less expensive.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Where Do We Go From Here?
I'm 18dpo... no, I'm not pregnant, although it seems that I should be. We don't know why my LP (luteal phase) is lasting so long (as it has every cycle since the miscarriage except the cycle I used a trigger).
Part of me says go ahead and medicate one more cycle. . . what's it hurt. . . my insurance will cover my November and December cycles in full since I've met my annual out of pocket maximum and I haven't yet maxed out my (very limited) infertility coverage.
The other part of me says I need to let it go for a while. We know WHY we aren't conceiving (not sure if we have a successful implantation issue yet, but that's look like a possibility).
I've lost weight. I'm eating well (80-90% of the time grain free, always gluten free). I'm healthy. My Celiac is in remission (if there is such a thing- my intestines are currently healed so as long as I eat gluten free, I'm healthy).
My tubes are clear. My ovaries are producing eggs each cycle (quite successfully). I get wet (fertile) CM at least one day every cycle. My cervix is open (which means the swimmers can get in now).
I'm still not pregnant.
Here's the deal, although I'm not sure my very experienced, totally awesome, RE even gets it. Hubs swimmers get depleted. We need 60 hours (minimum)- 72 hours (optimum) between ejaculates in order to get good, healthy swimmers (30-60 mil/ml). Trouble is. . . hubs drive doesn't often accommodate that kind of spacing. I feel guilty for putting him off, leaving his needs unmet, etc. . . and I don't want to be the "s-x warden".
This cycle, we did fairly well. . . and I was praying it was enough. But the reality is, the weekend I ovulated, he was needy. . . so in all likelihood the couple of days before ovulation (when I was most fertile), he had very depleted counts (twice a day, people). We know that 12-36 hour breaks lead to counts that caused canceled cycles (>10mil/ml). This is natural, the human body takes 72 hours to fully mature sperm.
I'm starting to think we may never have a biological child. I can be okay with that but I want us to have a newborn. . . I'm okay with adopting a newborn but don't see how we could ever afford it. I'm still praying that our names will come up on the embryo adoption list as that may be the most cost effective route for us to go. Hubs is nervous about me going through the dangers of pregnancy for a child that isn't biologically ours. . . I'd prefer that to traditional adoption so that the children can be part of the pregnancy and I could breastfeed.
The reality is. . . if we had $15k, I'd opt for a cycle of IVF. Even though my faith says IVF is morally unacceptable, I think I would do it (easy to say when I know it's not a possibility). Or perhaps, I'd put that toward the $20K + needed for infant adoption and be assured we'd have a child at the end of the process (and that an unwanted child would have a very loving home).
I don't know.
What I do know is that on that weekend when we were suppose to be spacing BD to get good swimmers, I almost lost it in an emotional fit of tears when hubs was "pursuing" me. . . I wanted to cry and scream "we are suppose to be waiting!". . . but then, as if God spoke to me, I realized that my husband needed me and it was my duty to fulfill those needs. At that moment, I was able to put it in God's hands. . . this was a big step for me. I felt myself letting go. . I said, "if it's God's will, we will have a child, because it's going to take a miracle". I know without a doubt that it is going to take a miracle to create a child in my womb or to open our lives to infant adoption. I can't control things (as much as I wish I could).
I'm trying to take a step back from control. I stopped temping/charting this cycle once I confirmed ovulation. I waited patiently until AF was late before I took a test. This was not a medicated cycle (so was the only cycle I conceived in these last two years).
I feel like at this point, I know my body well. . . I know my cycles well. . . I've been perfectly charting all my fertility signs for two full years. . . we've had all the tests done that we can. . . all I need to figure out is out to get my hubs to slow down his drive during the week leading up to my fertile window. I'm seriously pondering not charting for a while. . . I know my cycle and can see my other fertility signs without actually charting. . . maybe that will take some of the pressure off? Of course, I worry that without confirming ovulation via temperature I will cause hubs to miss out on more BD days then necessary.
I also know that if finances weren't an issue. . . I would pursue further treatment and/or adoption. It sad to be up against a wall that you have no way to scale. My choices are significantly reduced because I cannot afford treatment or adoption.
There are those who say, "be happy with the family you have". I am, oh, how I am. I love my family. . . I love the children we have. And yet, part of me is missing. . . that connection with my husband, that closing of the circle of our children. . . that sharing of a common child, one that is "real" sibling to our children and "real" child to both of us. I feel a schism in our family, one that says "his" and "hers" instead of "ours". I feel that "our" baby would change the entire dynamic of our family. I want (desperately) that little one who I can look at and see my beloveds face. I fear that if I were to lose my husband (as we know life is fragile), I would be left without any part of him. . . I would lose "his" children to their bio-mom. I could only see his face in a photo album. This I fear most. I hunger for permanency and our child symbolizes that.
Part of me says go ahead and medicate one more cycle. . . what's it hurt. . . my insurance will cover my November and December cycles in full since I've met my annual out of pocket maximum and I haven't yet maxed out my (very limited) infertility coverage.
The other part of me says I need to let it go for a while. We know WHY we aren't conceiving (not sure if we have a successful implantation issue yet, but that's look like a possibility).
I've lost weight. I'm eating well (80-90% of the time grain free, always gluten free). I'm healthy. My Celiac is in remission (if there is such a thing- my intestines are currently healed so as long as I eat gluten free, I'm healthy).
My tubes are clear. My ovaries are producing eggs each cycle (quite successfully). I get wet (fertile) CM at least one day every cycle. My cervix is open (which means the swimmers can get in now).
I'm still not pregnant.
Here's the deal, although I'm not sure my very experienced, totally awesome, RE even gets it. Hubs swimmers get depleted. We need 60 hours (minimum)- 72 hours (optimum) between ejaculates in order to get good, healthy swimmers (30-60 mil/ml). Trouble is. . . hubs drive doesn't often accommodate that kind of spacing. I feel guilty for putting him off, leaving his needs unmet, etc. . . and I don't want to be the "s-x warden".
This cycle, we did fairly well. . . and I was praying it was enough. But the reality is, the weekend I ovulated, he was needy. . . so in all likelihood the couple of days before ovulation (when I was most fertile), he had very depleted counts (twice a day, people). We know that 12-36 hour breaks lead to counts that caused canceled cycles (>10mil/ml). This is natural, the human body takes 72 hours to fully mature sperm.
I'm starting to think we may never have a biological child. I can be okay with that but I want us to have a newborn. . . I'm okay with adopting a newborn but don't see how we could ever afford it. I'm still praying that our names will come up on the embryo adoption list as that may be the most cost effective route for us to go. Hubs is nervous about me going through the dangers of pregnancy for a child that isn't biologically ours. . . I'd prefer that to traditional adoption so that the children can be part of the pregnancy and I could breastfeed.
The reality is. . . if we had $15k, I'd opt for a cycle of IVF. Even though my faith says IVF is morally unacceptable, I think I would do it (easy to say when I know it's not a possibility). Or perhaps, I'd put that toward the $20K + needed for infant adoption and be assured we'd have a child at the end of the process (and that an unwanted child would have a very loving home).
I don't know.
What I do know is that on that weekend when we were suppose to be spacing BD to get good swimmers, I almost lost it in an emotional fit of tears when hubs was "pursuing" me. . . I wanted to cry and scream "we are suppose to be waiting!". . . but then, as if God spoke to me, I realized that my husband needed me and it was my duty to fulfill those needs. At that moment, I was able to put it in God's hands. . . this was a big step for me. I felt myself letting go. . I said, "if it's God's will, we will have a child, because it's going to take a miracle". I know without a doubt that it is going to take a miracle to create a child in my womb or to open our lives to infant adoption. I can't control things (as much as I wish I could).
I'm trying to take a step back from control. I stopped temping/charting this cycle once I confirmed ovulation. I waited patiently until AF was late before I took a test. This was not a medicated cycle (so was the only cycle I conceived in these last two years).
I feel like at this point, I know my body well. . . I know my cycles well. . . I've been perfectly charting all my fertility signs for two full years. . . we've had all the tests done that we can. . . all I need to figure out is out to get my hubs to slow down his drive during the week leading up to my fertile window. I'm seriously pondering not charting for a while. . . I know my cycle and can see my other fertility signs without actually charting. . . maybe that will take some of the pressure off? Of course, I worry that without confirming ovulation via temperature I will cause hubs to miss out on more BD days then necessary.
I also know that if finances weren't an issue. . . I would pursue further treatment and/or adoption. It sad to be up against a wall that you have no way to scale. My choices are significantly reduced because I cannot afford treatment or adoption.
There are those who say, "be happy with the family you have". I am, oh, how I am. I love my family. . . I love the children we have. And yet, part of me is missing. . . that connection with my husband, that closing of the circle of our children. . . that sharing of a common child, one that is "real" sibling to our children and "real" child to both of us. I feel a schism in our family, one that says "his" and "hers" instead of "ours". I feel that "our" baby would change the entire dynamic of our family. I want (desperately) that little one who I can look at and see my beloveds face. I fear that if I were to lose my husband (as we know life is fragile), I would be left without any part of him. . . I would lose "his" children to their bio-mom. I could only see his face in a photo album. This I fear most. I hunger for permanency and our child symbolizes that.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
16dpo and Progesterone Hang Over
Ugh. . . I hate the waiting game. These darn medicated cycles drag out longer and longer. We learned last cycle, when I conceived that a home test at 15dpo was negative and at 18dpo it was positive. . . was this because it wasn't a viable pregnancy, or is that how my body rolls? Who knows. . . so I have to wait out until 18dpo this round on progesterone. If I test negative then, I can stop the progesterone and wait for my next cycle to start.
Trouble is. . . I feel like crap. I have a killer migraine. I'm so darn tired. This could be the progesterone. . . who knows. I've taken two tests, at 14dpo and 15dpo. I skipped today. . . maybe I'll test tomorrow. I went by the Dollar Tree and picked up 7 of the Assured tests. I used these in my conception cycle along with First Response Early Detection (the most sensitive on the market). The Assured Dollar Tree test also showed positive when my HCG was only 18 and continued to show it when my HCG dropped over the next couple of days. This tells me they are super sensitive and why waste the big bucks? (The First Response also showed positive.)
I have to decide if I want to shell out the $450 to have a base line scan once AF does show up. . . if so, then I can have another medicated cycle (oh the joys!). If not, we do nothing and see. . . of course, we conceived on the non-medicated cycle but my progesterone was low and that bambino didn't stick. . . so who knows.
I asked if I can skip the baseline scan and just go ahead with clomid again. . . I know my body so well, I'd know if I have a cyst (ovulation nearly makes me cry. . . seriously). They said no because they recently had one lady who tested negative. . . had what looked like AF. . . came in for her baseline scan only to find out she was actually pregnant. I guess better safe than sorry is the story here, right?
Trouble is. . . I feel like crap. I have a killer migraine. I'm so darn tired. This could be the progesterone. . . who knows. I've taken two tests, at 14dpo and 15dpo. I skipped today. . . maybe I'll test tomorrow. I went by the Dollar Tree and picked up 7 of the Assured tests. I used these in my conception cycle along with First Response Early Detection (the most sensitive on the market). The Assured Dollar Tree test also showed positive when my HCG was only 18 and continued to show it when my HCG dropped over the next couple of days. This tells me they are super sensitive and why waste the big bucks? (The First Response also showed positive.)
I have to decide if I want to shell out the $450 to have a base line scan once AF does show up. . . if so, then I can have another medicated cycle (oh the joys!). If not, we do nothing and see. . . of course, we conceived on the non-medicated cycle but my progesterone was low and that bambino didn't stick. . . so who knows.
I asked if I can skip the baseline scan and just go ahead with clomid again. . . I know my body so well, I'd know if I have a cyst (ovulation nearly makes me cry. . . seriously). They said no because they recently had one lady who tested negative. . . had what looked like AF. . . came in for her baseline scan only to find out she was actually pregnant. I guess better safe than sorry is the story here, right?
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
No O in Sight...
Well, I'm on CD14 of my rest cycle and I'm still getting negative OPK's and haven't had a temperature rise as of yet. CM is looking scanty as usual despite the addition of Guaifenesin.
Wondering if this will be a wasted cycle vs. a rest cycle?
If no O by CD20, then I will call the RE for a script to start the next cycle.
Or maybe... O will happen in the next day or two. I'm using the OPK 3x daily because I seem to have a short Lh surge and don't want to miss it.
DD is getting tired of all this BD spacing. . . I'm not sure how long I'll be able to hold him to it!
Wondering if this will be a wasted cycle vs. a rest cycle?
If no O by CD20, then I will call the RE for a script to start the next cycle.
Or maybe... O will happen in the next day or two. I'm using the OPK 3x daily because I seem to have a short Lh surge and don't want to miss it.
DD is getting tired of all this BD spacing. . . I'm not sure how long I'll be able to hold him to it!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Naturally Increasing the Odds...
This week I've started on Maca, Royal Jelly (w/ pollen & propolis), Spirulina, and Red Raspberry Leaf tea. I'm still taking my Raw Code food based prenatal vitamins and getting bi-weekly acupuncture treatments.
Since CM is still an issue for me, despite the surgery to open up the scar tissue closing my cervix... I'm thinking of starting some guaifenesin today until ovulation. We are spacing BD out and will begin using PreSeed on CD10 until ovulation is confirmed. We know that daily BD depletes the sperm count, so our goal is to increase the count to a healthy level AND not miss our window of opportunity prior to ovulation. We are taking a BD break on CD8-CD9, CD11 & CD13. So, BD will be CD10 (72 hour break), CD12 (48 hour break), & CD14 (48 hour break). If ovulation hasn't occurred, we will continue with every other day spacing until we are sure I've ovulated. Then DD can go back to his voracious appetite. :-)
This cycle, I purchased the First Response Daily Ovulation kit. This kit tracks your personal LH level so it will detect the surge even if it is lower than established values (common, especially in women like me with PCOS). I'm having ovary discomfort already (started on CD8) so I expect a CD13-14 ovulation.
I'm also considering a mostly plant based diet (lacto-ovo vegetarian), my husband balks at this, so I'm sure we won't be 100% vegetarian around here plus I'm a WAPF follower and truly believe that a healthy diet should contain all whole food groups. I am hoping to replace the majority of our meals each week with meatless, plant based options. I'm thinking quinoa, artichoke, and sun dried tomato alfredo. . . who'd miss the meat in that dish? Tonight, we are having cheese & veggie pizza (homemade) with a giant garden salad and baked apples (it is Lent, so tonight must be meatless). When we do have meat, it will be local & grass fed.
We will still consume lots of eggs (our staple protein) and the best quality dairy we can get. I'm going to try to replace most baked goods/desserts (except maybe one a month) with fruit options... baked apples or pears, berries & cream, fruit parfaits, etc. . .
I feel like breakfast is already a pretty good meal in our house... we have scrambled eggs w/ gluten free oatmeal (or whole grain toast for the non-gf peeps). I limit cereal to once or twice a week with eggs. I'm weaning the children I didn't give birth to off cold cereal and it's a challenge. I think we can amp this up by adding in fruit and/or veggies.
I'm also going to get back into full baking with almond and coconut flours, alternative/low GI sweeteners, and coconut oil.
I have broken my one modern food addiction- coffee shop Snicker Mocha's (can you say sugar overload?). Coffee is the one thing I consume that isn't whole food/nourishing, so this was a big deal for me. I gave up caffeine months ago, but I was still addicted to the sugar.
If nothing else. . . the dietary changes will help keep me busy and give me a sense of empowerment through this time of rest from conventional treatments.
Since CM is still an issue for me, despite the surgery to open up the scar tissue closing my cervix... I'm thinking of starting some guaifenesin today until ovulation. We are spacing BD out and will begin using PreSeed on CD10 until ovulation is confirmed. We know that daily BD depletes the sperm count, so our goal is to increase the count to a healthy level AND not miss our window of opportunity prior to ovulation. We are taking a BD break on CD8-CD9, CD11 & CD13. So, BD will be CD10 (72 hour break), CD12 (48 hour break), & CD14 (48 hour break). If ovulation hasn't occurred, we will continue with every other day spacing until we are sure I've ovulated. Then DD can go back to his voracious appetite. :-)
This cycle, I purchased the First Response Daily Ovulation kit. This kit tracks your personal LH level so it will detect the surge even if it is lower than established values (common, especially in women like me with PCOS). I'm having ovary discomfort already (started on CD8) so I expect a CD13-14 ovulation.
I'm also considering a mostly plant based diet (lacto-ovo vegetarian), my husband balks at this, so I'm sure we won't be 100% vegetarian around here plus I'm a WAPF follower and truly believe that a healthy diet should contain all whole food groups. I am hoping to replace the majority of our meals each week with meatless, plant based options. I'm thinking quinoa, artichoke, and sun dried tomato alfredo. . . who'd miss the meat in that dish? Tonight, we are having cheese & veggie pizza (homemade) with a giant garden salad and baked apples (it is Lent, so tonight must be meatless). When we do have meat, it will be local & grass fed.
We will still consume lots of eggs (our staple protein) and the best quality dairy we can get. I'm going to try to replace most baked goods/desserts (except maybe one a month) with fruit options... baked apples or pears, berries & cream, fruit parfaits, etc. . .
I feel like breakfast is already a pretty good meal in our house... we have scrambled eggs w/ gluten free oatmeal (or whole grain toast for the non-gf peeps). I limit cereal to once or twice a week with eggs. I'm weaning the children I didn't give birth to off cold cereal and it's a challenge. I think we can amp this up by adding in fruit and/or veggies.
I'm also going to get back into full baking with almond and coconut flours, alternative/low GI sweeteners, and coconut oil.
I have broken my one modern food addiction- coffee shop Snicker Mocha's (can you say sugar overload?). Coffee is the one thing I consume that isn't whole food/nourishing, so this was a big deal for me. I gave up caffeine months ago, but I was still addicted to the sugar.
If nothing else. . . the dietary changes will help keep me busy and give me a sense of empowerment through this time of rest from conventional treatments.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Cycle 4 FAIL ... Time to Rest
Cycle 4 came to a screeching halt this past Thursday. I already knew we weren't pregnant, but like every infertile, I was holding out hope until AF showed.
To add insult to injury... DD and I were at a marriage conference at a beautiful resort this weekend. I had "my friend" the entire weekend... UGH. AND every single session of the conference, no matter where we sat in the ballroom... I was surrounded by pregnant women.
I'm happy for these women... I really am. I don't know a single thing about their stories. Did they conceive the first month of trying after spending their entire adulthood avoiding pregnancy? Did they struggle with infertility? Were they "surprised" by this pregnancy? Wanted, unwanted, planned, unplanned, 1st baby or 12th?... they all have what I long for. I feel guilty for being jealous of their pregnant state.
Sometimes, I feel unjustified in my hurt over infertility. I did bring 3 beautiful children into this world and I gained 2 more via marriage to Devoted Daddy. I am the Mama to 5 kiddos... I will always be insanely busy... I will never have to make the choice to "live child free"... I fit in during the parenting sessions of the conference... I'm an infertile with a full nest.
And I'm still incredibly sad. I long for a child that I can look at and not see my ex or DD's ex... a child that I can look at and see the reflection of this man I love above all else. This man who is my glorious gift after so many years of destruction and heartbreak. I long for a child that will provide all of our children with a joint sibling... a child that will "close the circle" between His and Hers. I would desire these things even if I didn't absolutely adore children... if I didn't love the feeling of being pregnant (even though I was violently ill every time)... if I didn't believe that children are a blessing...
Devoted Daddy is convinced that we will have a baby together in time... I'm losing hope. I know that God is real... and that He is good. I also know that we live in a fallen world where bad things happen. Maybe God's plan for us is to love the orphans... to foster and adopt children that are unwanted... maybe God's plan is that I need to learn patience and that things don't come in my timing...
Or maybe, we just have the rotten luck of faulty plumbing. I've put my reproductive organs through all kinds of trauma since my first bout of (resolved) infertility.
In other news, I asked to be added to our clinic's embryo adoption program. The wait is long (two years or more) because there are many waiting families and not many embryos available. DD and I know that enlarging our family via embryo adoption would mean that the resulting child(ren) would not be of our DNA, but we would be granting life to a child suspended in time... and we would love that child(ren) with every fiber of our being. The irony is... we can go through a FET with adopted embryos for $3800 whereas a round of IVF would cost us $8850 + $2-3,000 in meds.
On my mind... IVF. It was something I wasn't sure I'd ever seriously consider. BUT, here we are... four failed cycles later. We are resting for at least this cycle, maybe two depending on finances. I've crunched the numbers... we have about $2500 left in insurance benefits and on October 1 our FSA account starts over. We could increase that to the maximum which is $5,000 (annually). This would enable us to have $7500 toward the $8850 cost of IVF in October (two months prior to my dreaded 35th birthday). IF (and it's a big IF) we can save the remaining $1350 and start rounding up the medications... maybe, just maybe... we could give it a go. If round one doesn't work BUT we have embryos remaining, we could wait a couple months and pay $1250 for a FET.
I know without a doubt, that even if we conceived triplets on IVF #1, we'd have to proceed with FET of any remaining embryos at the earliest possible time. I cannot allow the start of life to stay indefinitely suspended in time or be destroyed. We'd have to give every embryo (no matter the quality) a shot at life. Our only other option would be embryo adoption... but I think I'm one of those women that is attached to my eggs and would have a great sense of loss over allowing them to be raised in another family... and if none became children, I'd wonder if they would have had a different outcome if I had chosen to transfer them... Because I'm crazy like that. :-)
I have a prescription here for 10 vials (75iu) of Menopur + 15 clomid pills + 10,000iu of Pregnyl. I can buy the Menopur cheaply via IVFMEDS.com for $187.50, this is about a fourth of the cost of an American pharmacy. My clinic recommends the generic HMG and even gave me the order form, so I am comfortable using it.
However, I have to make a decision... try Menopur + clomid + HCG (in April or May) with IUI and potentially waste another $1500... or wait and save... and pray and hope...
Either way... I'm taking March off. Who knows, maybe we will get lucky on our own. I started the OPK today (First Response Daily), I like that this kit watches (and remembers) my personal levels of LH to detect my surge... since I have a short (and possibly weak) surge this is a good thing. I'm also diligently tracking my BBT, cervix position and CM. By taking March off, I can skip the day 3 ultrasound at my clinic and shave $470 off the next cycle. My RE only requires baselines in back to back medicated cycles.
Our next cycle will consist of a call on CD1 to let them know my new cycle started... clomid days 3-7, Menopur (if we decide to use it) CD7-12+, a monitoring scan on CD12 followed by a trigger (if my eggs are ready to go). Technically, this could be a tad cheaper than my previous cycles because of skipping the baseline scan... but if my scan on CD12 reveals follicles that aren't ready to trigger, I could end up with another scan (or two) before we can trigger.
Honestly, if money weren't a factor right now... I'd be forging ahead into the next cycle as we speak.
To add insult to injury... DD and I were at a marriage conference at a beautiful resort this weekend. I had "my friend" the entire weekend... UGH. AND every single session of the conference, no matter where we sat in the ballroom... I was surrounded by pregnant women.
I'm happy for these women... I really am. I don't know a single thing about their stories. Did they conceive the first month of trying after spending their entire adulthood avoiding pregnancy? Did they struggle with infertility? Were they "surprised" by this pregnancy? Wanted, unwanted, planned, unplanned, 1st baby or 12th?... they all have what I long for. I feel guilty for being jealous of their pregnant state.
Sometimes, I feel unjustified in my hurt over infertility. I did bring 3 beautiful children into this world and I gained 2 more via marriage to Devoted Daddy. I am the Mama to 5 kiddos... I will always be insanely busy... I will never have to make the choice to "live child free"... I fit in during the parenting sessions of the conference... I'm an infertile with a full nest.
And I'm still incredibly sad. I long for a child that I can look at and not see my ex or DD's ex... a child that I can look at and see the reflection of this man I love above all else. This man who is my glorious gift after so many years of destruction and heartbreak. I long for a child that will provide all of our children with a joint sibling... a child that will "close the circle" between His and Hers. I would desire these things even if I didn't absolutely adore children... if I didn't love the feeling of being pregnant (even though I was violently ill every time)... if I didn't believe that children are a blessing...
Devoted Daddy is convinced that we will have a baby together in time... I'm losing hope. I know that God is real... and that He is good. I also know that we live in a fallen world where bad things happen. Maybe God's plan for us is to love the orphans... to foster and adopt children that are unwanted... maybe God's plan is that I need to learn patience and that things don't come in my timing...
Or maybe, we just have the rotten luck of faulty plumbing. I've put my reproductive organs through all kinds of trauma since my first bout of (resolved) infertility.
In other news, I asked to be added to our clinic's embryo adoption program. The wait is long (two years or more) because there are many waiting families and not many embryos available. DD and I know that enlarging our family via embryo adoption would mean that the resulting child(ren) would not be of our DNA, but we would be granting life to a child suspended in time... and we would love that child(ren) with every fiber of our being. The irony is... we can go through a FET with adopted embryos for $3800 whereas a round of IVF would cost us $8850 + $2-3,000 in meds.
On my mind... IVF. It was something I wasn't sure I'd ever seriously consider. BUT, here we are... four failed cycles later. We are resting for at least this cycle, maybe two depending on finances. I've crunched the numbers... we have about $2500 left in insurance benefits and on October 1 our FSA account starts over. We could increase that to the maximum which is $5,000 (annually). This would enable us to have $7500 toward the $8850 cost of IVF in October (two months prior to my dreaded 35th birthday). IF (and it's a big IF) we can save the remaining $1350 and start rounding up the medications... maybe, just maybe... we could give it a go. If round one doesn't work BUT we have embryos remaining, we could wait a couple months and pay $1250 for a FET.
I know without a doubt, that even if we conceived triplets on IVF #1, we'd have to proceed with FET of any remaining embryos at the earliest possible time. I cannot allow the start of life to stay indefinitely suspended in time or be destroyed. We'd have to give every embryo (no matter the quality) a shot at life. Our only other option would be embryo adoption... but I think I'm one of those women that is attached to my eggs and would have a great sense of loss over allowing them to be raised in another family... and if none became children, I'd wonder if they would have had a different outcome if I had chosen to transfer them... Because I'm crazy like that. :-)
I have a prescription here for 10 vials (75iu) of Menopur + 15 clomid pills + 10,000iu of Pregnyl. I can buy the Menopur cheaply via IVFMEDS.com for $187.50, this is about a fourth of the cost of an American pharmacy. My clinic recommends the generic HMG and even gave me the order form, so I am comfortable using it.
However, I have to make a decision... try Menopur + clomid + HCG (in April or May) with IUI and potentially waste another $1500... or wait and save... and pray and hope...
Either way... I'm taking March off. Who knows, maybe we will get lucky on our own. I started the OPK today (First Response Daily), I like that this kit watches (and remembers) my personal levels of LH to detect my surge... since I have a short (and possibly weak) surge this is a good thing. I'm also diligently tracking my BBT, cervix position and CM. By taking March off, I can skip the day 3 ultrasound at my clinic and shave $470 off the next cycle. My RE only requires baselines in back to back medicated cycles.
Our next cycle will consist of a call on CD1 to let them know my new cycle started... clomid days 3-7, Menopur (if we decide to use it) CD7-12+, a monitoring scan on CD12 followed by a trigger (if my eggs are ready to go). Technically, this could be a tad cheaper than my previous cycles because of skipping the baseline scan... but if my scan on CD12 reveals follicles that aren't ready to trigger, I could end up with another scan (or two) before we can trigger.
Honestly, if money weren't a factor right now... I'd be forging ahead into the next cycle as we speak.
Monday, March 5, 2012
POAS Obsession...
I'm pretty sure every infertile has it (and plenty of those without IF issues)... I really tried to be more patient this cycle...
But I caved... I tested at 10dpIUI and got a negative... 12dpIUI negative again.
I know there is a good chance that I ovulated those three eggs between CD13 & 15 (IUI was on CD13, trigger CD12 AM), so my brain understands that this may have been too early to test... but the practical side of me is assuming I'm not knocked up and planning what comes next.
What I learned today...
Our Medical FSA will be exhausted after we pay for our current cycle until October 1 (new plan year). We have approximately $1500 left of insurance coverage for IF (paid at 50%). I called the clinic to get a coded list of all the billings since this journey started AND I called the insurance company to get a detailed list of EOB's since January 1, 2011. This way, I can compare all the IF payments and make sure we don't lose out on any benefits due to improper coding.
What else I learned today... One cycle of IVF is $8850 + meds ($2-$4K). A frozen embryo transfer (FET) is $1250.
In hindsight... I could have jumped in with one shot at IVF... between our insurance coverage and what we've spent so far, we could have funded ONE IVF cycle... If only we could know these things in advance... at my age, in my health, with my stats... I'm an "excellent" outcome for IVF so the chance of one shot working is high. At this point, we just can't afford it. Maybe, if we save our kiesters off we could afford a cycle in a year. However, by the end of 2012, I will be 35 and my success rate will drop dramatically.
I just don't see it ever being an option for us... neither is private adoption because the cost is insurmountable in our current situation. We have other things that all our extra money MUST go to in the next 12 months in order to avoid selling our home when the co-owners want bought out (looooong story) early next year.
If I had the option, I would increase my work load to net as much income as I could in the next several months... however, I'm regulated by the state and can't increase my load. Since DD is a teacher, his salary is capped (not to mention the pay cuts he's taken each of the last three years). So, barring a miracle this may be the end of the road for us.
I know that technically we aren't out until AF shows up (this weekend... while we are at a much needed weekend retreat).
Symptom wise, here's where I'm at:
Skin breakout, HOLY CRIPES. My chin is a cystic volcano mess. Ouch.
Heartburn (constant)
Slight cramps here and there (since 3 or 4dpIUI)
Sore breasts
Bloating
Lots of watery and creamy CM
Sensitivity to smells
Not emotional (this is very odd considering the hormonal drug induced rage I normally have at this point in my cycle).
Craving LEMON, this has never happened before. It's been unbearable for the last 3 days. I bought a giant bag of lemons at Costco...
Barring the negative pee sticks on 10 and 12 dpIUI, I'd swear this lady was knocked up... given those tests I'm thinking this is all drug induced (and perhaps related to high progesterone from 3 follicles forming CL cysts).
But I caved... I tested at 10dpIUI and got a negative... 12dpIUI negative again.
I know there is a good chance that I ovulated those three eggs between CD13 & 15 (IUI was on CD13, trigger CD12 AM), so my brain understands that this may have been too early to test... but the practical side of me is assuming I'm not knocked up and planning what comes next.
What I learned today...
Our Medical FSA will be exhausted after we pay for our current cycle until October 1 (new plan year). We have approximately $1500 left of insurance coverage for IF (paid at 50%). I called the clinic to get a coded list of all the billings since this journey started AND I called the insurance company to get a detailed list of EOB's since January 1, 2011. This way, I can compare all the IF payments and make sure we don't lose out on any benefits due to improper coding.
What else I learned today... One cycle of IVF is $8850 + meds ($2-$4K). A frozen embryo transfer (FET) is $1250.
In hindsight... I could have jumped in with one shot at IVF... between our insurance coverage and what we've spent so far, we could have funded ONE IVF cycle... If only we could know these things in advance... at my age, in my health, with my stats... I'm an "excellent" outcome for IVF so the chance of one shot working is high. At this point, we just can't afford it. Maybe, if we save our kiesters off we could afford a cycle in a year. However, by the end of 2012, I will be 35 and my success rate will drop dramatically.
I just don't see it ever being an option for us... neither is private adoption because the cost is insurmountable in our current situation. We have other things that all our extra money MUST go to in the next 12 months in order to avoid selling our home when the co-owners want bought out (looooong story) early next year.
If I had the option, I would increase my work load to net as much income as I could in the next several months... however, I'm regulated by the state and can't increase my load. Since DD is a teacher, his salary is capped (not to mention the pay cuts he's taken each of the last three years). So, barring a miracle this may be the end of the road for us.
I know that technically we aren't out until AF shows up (this weekend... while we are at a much needed weekend retreat).
Symptom wise, here's where I'm at:
Skin breakout, HOLY CRIPES. My chin is a cystic volcano mess. Ouch.
Heartburn (constant)
Slight cramps here and there (since 3 or 4dpIUI)
Sore breasts
Bloating
Lots of watery and creamy CM
Sensitivity to smells
Not emotional (this is very odd considering the hormonal drug induced rage I normally have at this point in my cycle).
Craving LEMON, this has never happened before. It's been unbearable for the last 3 days. I bought a giant bag of lemons at Costco...
Barring the negative pee sticks on 10 and 12 dpIUI, I'd swear this lady was knocked up... given those tests I'm thinking this is all drug induced (and perhaps related to high progesterone from 3 follicles forming CL cysts).
Monday, February 20, 2012
Things Crazy Infertiles Do...
When DD and I married, we figured a baby would be soon to follow. I'm not sure why I was that naive... I knew from previous experience (12 medicated fertility cycles) with baby girl #1 that I don't make babies easily. Perhaps the 12 years in between dulled my memory. Baby girl #2 followed on the heels of her slow in arriving sister with conception from my first post baby ovulation (11 months old, still breastfeeding) and then refused to move out despite her ginormous size and obvious lack of space. Baby girl #3 required 6 cycles of medicated fertility cycles following 6 months non medicated TTC after a spontaneous pregnancy and early miscarriage (chemical pregnancy).
Since my baby is now 7 years and 1 month old, we can count my last conception to 7 years and 10 months ago.
And, grown up me thought this time would be a walk in the park.
As soon as the ink dried on our marriage certificate, I began purchasing maternity clothes (used)... I justified that I couldn't pass up the great prices and surely I'd be pregnant any day now.
Then I started buying my cloth diaper system. I was convinced that I wanted Flip diapers and decided I'd accumulate my stash by the time the baby arrived without feeling any financial pain (1 or 2 a month and we would be good to go). Jenny over at What the Blog? has made me ponder multiples and a simple diaper strategy vs one size Flips...
One day I happened to be in the cute little baby boutique and consignment shop and came across a fabulous PPB nappy bag. It was $50 (retail $200). So, of course, I was obligated to snatch it up!
I may or not have purchased numerous cute bodysuits and a certain black and hot pink rockstar tutu... and maybe a couple of cute dress shoe/booties from a certain daily deal site.
There is also the possibility that I have a card stashed away to help share the exciting news with DD...
A few months back, I gave away most of my maternity clothes stash to DD's co-teacher (who has since already delivered that baby). My thinking was that it might help my mojo to divest my closet of big bellied clothing.
Then a short while later, a friend had a darling little angel girl and I stuffed a goodie bag with several of the darling bodysuits, tutu, and shoes.
I still have my diapers stashed away (and growing)... and a few other odds and ends.
I can't stay out of baby stores... possibly because I run an in home childcare and always need something for the littles I care for... possibly because I love babies... possibly because it's become an obsession...
Today I discovered I have three happy, fat eggs waiting to pop and do the happy dance with DD's sperm... what do I do? I start reading triplet blogs. The last cycle that I had 3 happy, fat eggs (of which none turned into a baby), I was researching triplet strollers and insurance. (I did find out that in the state of CA you can buy AFLAC insurance AFTER you are pregnant...and you don't have to live there to do that... good news for those carrying more than one baby.)
My brain knows that the likelihood that one egg will meet up with sperm is lowish... the likelihood that all three will... well, that's almost ridiculous given our history. Don't get me wrong, the prospect of triplets scares the bejeebers out of me, but it's also slightly exciting... maybe it's something only infertiles understand... 3 babies is certainly better than 0.
I'm ridiculous... I know. This cycle will probably end like the others... without a healthy pregnancy. But I can't help being a bit optimistic.
Since my baby is now 7 years and 1 month old, we can count my last conception to 7 years and 10 months ago.
And, grown up me thought this time would be a walk in the park.
As soon as the ink dried on our marriage certificate, I began purchasing maternity clothes (used)... I justified that I couldn't pass up the great prices and surely I'd be pregnant any day now.
Then I started buying my cloth diaper system. I was convinced that I wanted Flip diapers and decided I'd accumulate my stash by the time the baby arrived without feeling any financial pain (1 or 2 a month and we would be good to go). Jenny over at What the Blog? has made me ponder multiples and a simple diaper strategy vs one size Flips...
One day I happened to be in the cute little baby boutique and consignment shop and came across a fabulous PPB nappy bag. It was $50 (retail $200). So, of course, I was obligated to snatch it up!
I may or not have purchased numerous cute bodysuits and a certain black and hot pink rockstar tutu... and maybe a couple of cute dress shoe/booties from a certain daily deal site.
There is also the possibility that I have a card stashed away to help share the exciting news with DD...
A few months back, I gave away most of my maternity clothes stash to DD's co-teacher (who has since already delivered that baby). My thinking was that it might help my mojo to divest my closet of big bellied clothing.
Then a short while later, a friend had a darling little angel girl and I stuffed a goodie bag with several of the darling bodysuits, tutu, and shoes.
I still have my diapers stashed away (and growing)... and a few other odds and ends.
I can't stay out of baby stores... possibly because I run an in home childcare and always need something for the littles I care for... possibly because I love babies... possibly because it's become an obsession...
Today I discovered I have three happy, fat eggs waiting to pop and do the happy dance with DD's sperm... what do I do? I start reading triplet blogs. The last cycle that I had 3 happy, fat eggs (of which none turned into a baby), I was researching triplet strollers and insurance. (I did find out that in the state of CA you can buy AFLAC insurance AFTER you are pregnant...and you don't have to live there to do that... good news for those carrying more than one baby.)
My brain knows that the likelihood that one egg will meet up with sperm is lowish... the likelihood that all three will... well, that's almost ridiculous given our history. Don't get me wrong, the prospect of triplets scares the bejeebers out of me, but it's also slightly exciting... maybe it's something only infertiles understand... 3 babies is certainly better than 0.
I'm ridiculous... I know. This cycle will probably end like the others... without a healthy pregnancy. But I can't help being a bit optimistic.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Cycle 4 Marches On... Hormones & Moods
Today is CD7 and I took my last dose of Clomid (150mg) today. My Pregnyl will arrive Friday. Monday (CD12), we go back to the clinic for a scan which will decide whether we trigger that day or wait a bit longer.
I've been a hormonal, emotional mess... it seems to get worse with each cycle (build up of medications?) and with the addition of HCG last cycle. I'm weepy... for the last week or so of my cycle I couldn't have a rational conversation... everything was overwhelming.
Anyway... time marches on... funds are dwindling. I'm pretty sure this is our last cycle for a while. I'll know more once the cycle is finished and I can look at the remaining funds. Either way, we will be taking a treatment break soon while we regroup and save. I feel like October will be the earliest we could tackle a fertility cycle again.
I'm really feeling the call to foster parenting. DD isn't convinced yet... but I think we may start tackling certification soon. Perhaps, my love for children is the very reason we haven't conceived... perhaps, God's plan is for us to love the orphans. I'm good with that.
I've been a hormonal, emotional mess... it seems to get worse with each cycle (build up of medications?) and with the addition of HCG last cycle. I'm weepy... for the last week or so of my cycle I couldn't have a rational conversation... everything was overwhelming.
Anyway... time marches on... funds are dwindling. I'm pretty sure this is our last cycle for a while. I'll know more once the cycle is finished and I can look at the remaining funds. Either way, we will be taking a treatment break soon while we regroup and save. I feel like October will be the earliest we could tackle a fertility cycle again.
I'm really feeling the call to foster parenting. DD isn't convinced yet... but I think we may start tackling certification soon. Perhaps, my love for children is the very reason we haven't conceived... perhaps, God's plan is for us to love the orphans. I'm good with that.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Cycle 3- Cancelled
Yesterday, CD12, I went in for an ultrasound. I had two nice follicles at 18 & 24 mm. We triggered at the clinic with an HCG injection.
This morning, I took the specimen in... two hours later we were back waiting for IUI... but the count was much too low... we didn't have enough swimmers for IUI.
So... here I sit. With engorged, painful ovaries waiting for ovulation... knowing that unless God throws us a miracle this will be a wasted cycle (and the most expensive one so far with the extra monitoring and injection).
I feel defeated.
This morning, I took the specimen in... two hours later we were back waiting for IUI... but the count was much too low... we didn't have enough swimmers for IUI.
So... here I sit. With engorged, painful ovaries waiting for ovulation... knowing that unless God throws us a miracle this will be a wasted cycle (and the most expensive one so far with the extra monitoring and injection).
I feel defeated.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
And We March On...
Every single month AF arrives and I go into mourning. Seriously. It's like a death each time I discover I am not expecting YET AGAIN. We've technically been on this infertility journey for 15 cycles now... my baby will be 7 in a weeks time... I haven't conceived in 7 years, 9 months...
To make matters worse... I had to go baby gift shopping for my husbands coworker. I am happy for each and every new baby that arrives, don't get me wrong. But it's a horrible thing to spend hours shopping for baby gifts as you've started bleeding and discovered that there is not a baby in your near future.
And the money... ugh... life is so unfair when some of us have to spend a fortune to conceive a child. We are quickly going to run out of funds and have to stop treatments for an unknown amount of time.
I know I'm blessed... I conceived 5 times and gave birth to three beautiful children during my early-mid 20's. I am so incredibly grateful for these amazing children... and I gained two more via marriage... I have five amazing kiddos. But none of that changes the pain of infertility. It's funny... this bout has been much harder on me emotionally than the first time around... when I was a young (and yes, naive) 21 year old. Back then, I don't think it ever really crossed my mind that I might not be able to conceive and carry a child to term...
I've had my post-op appt. Dr. Awesome confirmed that we are good to go with cycle #3. The plan this time is a bit different since we missed ovulation and had IUI the morning after last cycle.
I will have a monitoring ultrasound on CD12... and an HCG trigger shot... then we will schedule IUI. There is a chance that I will have to go back in every 2-3 days to monitor if my follicles aren't looking promising on CD12, but it's better than risking another cycle fail due to timing. My body just doesn't cooperate with the OPK's (due to the PCOS?).
We are praying that a baby is in our near future... I have almost a whole set of FLIP diapers tucked away in my drawer now... I had a theory that if I bought them a couple at a time, I wouldn't have a big expense all at once. Great theory, but I was counting on actually getting to use the diapers. :-)
To make matters worse... I had to go baby gift shopping for my husbands coworker. I am happy for each and every new baby that arrives, don't get me wrong. But it's a horrible thing to spend hours shopping for baby gifts as you've started bleeding and discovered that there is not a baby in your near future.
And the money... ugh... life is so unfair when some of us have to spend a fortune to conceive a child. We are quickly going to run out of funds and have to stop treatments for an unknown amount of time.
I know I'm blessed... I conceived 5 times and gave birth to three beautiful children during my early-mid 20's. I am so incredibly grateful for these amazing children... and I gained two more via marriage... I have five amazing kiddos. But none of that changes the pain of infertility. It's funny... this bout has been much harder on me emotionally than the first time around... when I was a young (and yes, naive) 21 year old. Back then, I don't think it ever really crossed my mind that I might not be able to conceive and carry a child to term...
I've had my post-op appt. Dr. Awesome confirmed that we are good to go with cycle #3. The plan this time is a bit different since we missed ovulation and had IUI the morning after last cycle.
I will have a monitoring ultrasound on CD12... and an HCG trigger shot... then we will schedule IUI. There is a chance that I will have to go back in every 2-3 days to monitor if my follicles aren't looking promising on CD12, but it's better than risking another cycle fail due to timing. My body just doesn't cooperate with the OPK's (due to the PCOS?).
We are praying that a baby is in our near future... I have almost a whole set of FLIP diapers tucked away in my drawer now... I had a theory that if I bought them a couple at a time, I wouldn't have a big expense all at once. Great theory, but I was counting on actually getting to use the diapers. :-)
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Post Laparoscopy
I went in this morning for the laparoscopy and cervical dilation. It went well. The good news is that I don't have endometriosis. Dr. A found severe adhesions/scar tissue holding my uterus and bladder together. He was able to remove all of it, so hopefully the bladder pain I've dealt with for years will go away now!
I'm staying on top of the pain... taking one percocet 5/325 every four hours for now. I don't like taking pain meds so this is a challenge for me. Dr. A informed me that I can take up to 4 pills every 4-6 hours and I can piggy back with ibuprofen if I need to. DD and I have had several laughs the last couple of days about Dr. A being a "pill pusher". I think it's that as an RE involved with IVF and all kinds of painful fertility treatments, he knows that we need pain relief. Some doctors (especially males) have a tendency to undermine the amount of pain... "you'll have a little discomfort". Dr. Awesome is not one of those guys.
I know every woman is different, but I thought that posting a summary of what I'm feeling/experiencing here may help someone else prepare for their procedures.
I checked in at the ASC (ambulatory surgery center) at 8:00. I changed into a weird looking disposbale gown that was made out of what felt like flannel paper, it was thick and soft and actually wrapped around the back to tie on the side for coverage. Once I was seated in a nice recliner, a hose was hooked up to my gown and it blew warm air into it. AWESOME. If you have to be there, the air gowns are a definite bonus. I've had surgery before but this is the first time I got warm air. :-) The IV took two attempts... bummer. But I'm used to that. My veins don't cooperate and I get more nervous because I know they don't cooperate so all in all it's a challenge for the nurses. Luckily, the second one worked, I'm not sure I could have held out for a third!
Dr. Awesome was running a few minutes late... he is a very busy man. He walked in at 9:08 which isn't bad at all. Chatted with me for a few minutes, signed the papers, listened to my heart and lungs... and said "see ya in the O.R. in a few minutes" as he jovially walked out the door.
I was able to walk into the O.R. which is great... it gives a little sense of control in a situation we really have no control over. I've been wheeled in on a gurney and allowed to walk in a couple times and I definitely prefer walking myself in. That's actually on my list of questions for the hospital once we are well pregnant and ready for a tour. I'll be a scheduled cesarean because of my L&D history. I want to walk into the O.R. ... I know that seems like a small, inconsequential thing but it really helps me cope.
Once in the O.R., I manipulated my I.V. line (we had to place on the right arm which isn't the best for the O.R.) and climbed onto the surgical table. The Dr.'s joked about how I could have done a triple dismount there. We started chatting about cheerleading and my almost 7 year old daughter's innate abilities. The anesthesiologist says "I'm giving you some medicine now to relax you". I can feel it in my body, makes me feel a little strange. We keep chatting about cheerleading and that's the last thing I remember. I don't even recall the part where he says "you'll be going to sleep now" or whatever it is they tell you as they put you under. Definitely no counting backward for me. I was out.
When I woke up in recovery, I couldn't open my eyes... it was like dreaming. I remembered conversations and thought I responded (or was I hearing people and only responding in my head?). Once I was able to open my eyes, I was able to have conversations better and woke up pretty quickly after that. Once my eyes were open and I could see the nurses, I asked if my husband was coming back in. One of them said something about him doing grading out there and she'd go check. It was nice to have him back in with me. Plus I knew he was really stressing about me having surgery so he needed to be back in with me... to see I was okay.
I had taken some gluten free crackers in with me to eat afterward, since I knew they would want me to keep some food down and saltines were out for me. When I was waking up, I did have pain in my abdomen... at first it was a deep pain, then as the nurse gave me meds in my IV it changed to just a superficial pain at the entry sites, she gave me more IV meds. Then I ate my crackers and she gave me an oral percocet because I didn't want an IM shot (ouch).
My throat hurt (and still does 12 hours later) from the breathing tube. My husband spoon fed me ice chips which helped a lot. Then I had sips of water with the crackers. Once I was awake and medicated, they had me moving out of there pretty quickly. I was up and dressed and discharged. I was allowed to walk outside to the car with the nurse holding my arm, another nice treat since wheelchairs make you feel like an invalid.
I do have quite a bit of bleeding. Dr. A said it would be more than from a laparoscopy because of the cervical dilation. I would call it medium flow vs. the normal spotting from manipulation of the uterus during the lap.
I pee'd blue for a good part of the day today. This was from the blue dye Dr. flushed through my tubes to make sure they were clear. Mixed with the blood, I had purple toilet water. This was kind of entertaining.
I've been able to eat normally. I've gotten up and walked quite a bit. I've done a little too much but it's really hard for me to be still, especially when there is a household to run. I'll try to rest a lot tomorrow because then Christmas and it's busyness will be upon us.
I'm bloated... a lot. My belly is hard. I know this is from the combination of fluid left in to keep my organs floating (which helps prevent new scar tissue from forming) and leftovers of the gas that was placed in my belly to inflate it for better viewing. I've had some minor referred pain in my shoulder also from the remainder of gas... nothing serious.
My incisions are still covered with band aids, but the belly button incision has done some bleeding, it is also the more painful incision. Dr. A only had to make two incisions since I wasn't an endometriosis mess like we feared. Even the band of my yoga pants is tight and uncomfortable on my abdomen.
Dr. A gave DD pictures of my insides before and after... I'm kind of a medical geek, so I like that. Some people are all "gross" and don't want to see it, but I love it. I also have pictures of my placentas and of my cut open belly during my cesarean.
And I think that's it... obviously, I'm coherent enough 12 hours post procedure to write. I was nervous (mostly about general anesthesia)... it's a relief to be done and have answers.
I'm staying on top of the pain... taking one percocet 5/325 every four hours for now. I don't like taking pain meds so this is a challenge for me. Dr. A informed me that I can take up to 4 pills every 4-6 hours and I can piggy back with ibuprofen if I need to. DD and I have had several laughs the last couple of days about Dr. A being a "pill pusher". I think it's that as an RE involved with IVF and all kinds of painful fertility treatments, he knows that we need pain relief. Some doctors (especially males) have a tendency to undermine the amount of pain... "you'll have a little discomfort". Dr. Awesome is not one of those guys.
I know every woman is different, but I thought that posting a summary of what I'm feeling/experiencing here may help someone else prepare for their procedures.
I checked in at the ASC (ambulatory surgery center) at 8:00. I changed into a weird looking disposbale gown that was made out of what felt like flannel paper, it was thick and soft and actually wrapped around the back to tie on the side for coverage. Once I was seated in a nice recliner, a hose was hooked up to my gown and it blew warm air into it. AWESOME. If you have to be there, the air gowns are a definite bonus. I've had surgery before but this is the first time I got warm air. :-) The IV took two attempts... bummer. But I'm used to that. My veins don't cooperate and I get more nervous because I know they don't cooperate so all in all it's a challenge for the nurses. Luckily, the second one worked, I'm not sure I could have held out for a third!
Dr. Awesome was running a few minutes late... he is a very busy man. He walked in at 9:08 which isn't bad at all. Chatted with me for a few minutes, signed the papers, listened to my heart and lungs... and said "see ya in the O.R. in a few minutes" as he jovially walked out the door.
I was able to walk into the O.R. which is great... it gives a little sense of control in a situation we really have no control over. I've been wheeled in on a gurney and allowed to walk in a couple times and I definitely prefer walking myself in. That's actually on my list of questions for the hospital once we are well pregnant and ready for a tour. I'll be a scheduled cesarean because of my L&D history. I want to walk into the O.R. ... I know that seems like a small, inconsequential thing but it really helps me cope.
Once in the O.R., I manipulated my I.V. line (we had to place on the right arm which isn't the best for the O.R.) and climbed onto the surgical table. The Dr.'s joked about how I could have done a triple dismount there. We started chatting about cheerleading and my almost 7 year old daughter's innate abilities. The anesthesiologist says "I'm giving you some medicine now to relax you". I can feel it in my body, makes me feel a little strange. We keep chatting about cheerleading and that's the last thing I remember. I don't even recall the part where he says "you'll be going to sleep now" or whatever it is they tell you as they put you under. Definitely no counting backward for me. I was out.
When I woke up in recovery, I couldn't open my eyes... it was like dreaming. I remembered conversations and thought I responded (or was I hearing people and only responding in my head?). Once I was able to open my eyes, I was able to have conversations better and woke up pretty quickly after that. Once my eyes were open and I could see the nurses, I asked if my husband was coming back in. One of them said something about him doing grading out there and she'd go check. It was nice to have him back in with me. Plus I knew he was really stressing about me having surgery so he needed to be back in with me... to see I was okay.
I had taken some gluten free crackers in with me to eat afterward, since I knew they would want me to keep some food down and saltines were out for me. When I was waking up, I did have pain in my abdomen... at first it was a deep pain, then as the nurse gave me meds in my IV it changed to just a superficial pain at the entry sites, she gave me more IV meds. Then I ate my crackers and she gave me an oral percocet because I didn't want an IM shot (ouch).
My throat hurt (and still does 12 hours later) from the breathing tube. My husband spoon fed me ice chips which helped a lot. Then I had sips of water with the crackers. Once I was awake and medicated, they had me moving out of there pretty quickly. I was up and dressed and discharged. I was allowed to walk outside to the car with the nurse holding my arm, another nice treat since wheelchairs make you feel like an invalid.
I do have quite a bit of bleeding. Dr. A said it would be more than from a laparoscopy because of the cervical dilation. I would call it medium flow vs. the normal spotting from manipulation of the uterus during the lap.
I pee'd blue for a good part of the day today. This was from the blue dye Dr. flushed through my tubes to make sure they were clear. Mixed with the blood, I had purple toilet water. This was kind of entertaining.
I've been able to eat normally. I've gotten up and walked quite a bit. I've done a little too much but it's really hard for me to be still, especially when there is a household to run. I'll try to rest a lot tomorrow because then Christmas and it's busyness will be upon us.
I'm bloated... a lot. My belly is hard. I know this is from the combination of fluid left in to keep my organs floating (which helps prevent new scar tissue from forming) and leftovers of the gas that was placed in my belly to inflate it for better viewing. I've had some minor referred pain in my shoulder also from the remainder of gas... nothing serious.
My incisions are still covered with band aids, but the belly button incision has done some bleeding, it is also the more painful incision. Dr. A only had to make two incisions since I wasn't an endometriosis mess like we feared. Even the band of my yoga pants is tight and uncomfortable on my abdomen.
Dr. A gave DD pictures of my insides before and after... I'm kind of a medical geek, so I like that. Some people are all "gross" and don't want to see it, but I love it. I also have pictures of my placentas and of my cut open belly during my cesarean.
And I think that's it... obviously, I'm coherent enough 12 hours post procedure to write. I was nervous (mostly about general anesthesia)... it's a relief to be done and have answers.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
While We Wait
Since baby making is on hold for the next two months, I've decided to jump back on my clean eating bandwagon and shed a few (or 30 pounds). The last time I stuck to clean eating, I lost 40 pounds in just over 3 months... A year later the weight started creeping back on because I wasn't eating clean anymore, going out for dinner too often, and enjoying a few too many mocha's.
I know that weight isn't contributing to my infertility issues as my ovulation pattern has been more regular than ever AND I conceived three children previously with my body at the same weight... this is the place my body likes to be even though I don't like it here.
For the first two weeks (when I know there is ZERO chance of conception)... I am taking Alli as well as recording 100% of food (calories and fat). I'm eating clean... I'm eating every 2-3 hours... I'm drinking lots and lots of water. I'm food obsessed but it's only day 2... it will get easier. Today I took in 1681 calories & 58 grams of healthy fats. I know many people think of a weight loss diet as having a much lower calorie intake, but I tell you this... I would not survive. I've discovered the metabolism miracle of eating clean, frequent, and in the right combination actually allows me to consume more calories than I would on the Standard American Diet.
I'm not sure that I've mentioned... I'm Celiac but 100% gluten free... not sure if that is at all related to the infertility...
Here's what I ate today:
7am- 2 eggs (free range) scrambled, 1/2 cup GF oats, 1 tsp coconut palm sugar, 1 Tbs. cream
8:30am- Coffee w/ 4 Tbs creamer 140 calories/6 grams fat (and not clean, this is going soon)
10:30am- yogurt 190 calories/2 grams fat (better if homemade)
1PM 1 cup brown rice w/ 1 small zucchini & 1/2 cup mushrooms (saute), 1 oz grated cheddar cheese, Celtic sea salt & pepper. 376 calories/ 11.5 grams fat
3:15PM 1/2 Lg. banana w/ 1 Tbs chunky peanut butter 175 calories/8 grams fat
6:00 PM GF spaghetti w/ ground turkey, big organic salad, 1 Tbs Ranch 460 cals/17 grams fat.
I'm drinking lots of water and taking one Alli with each of the three meals.
Maybe the weight loss focus will help redirect my baby crazy brain... :-)
I know that weight isn't contributing to my infertility issues as my ovulation pattern has been more regular than ever AND I conceived three children previously with my body at the same weight... this is the place my body likes to be even though I don't like it here.
For the first two weeks (when I know there is ZERO chance of conception)... I am taking Alli as well as recording 100% of food (calories and fat). I'm eating clean... I'm eating every 2-3 hours... I'm drinking lots and lots of water. I'm food obsessed but it's only day 2... it will get easier. Today I took in 1681 calories & 58 grams of healthy fats. I know many people think of a weight loss diet as having a much lower calorie intake, but I tell you this... I would not survive. I've discovered the metabolism miracle of eating clean, frequent, and in the right combination actually allows me to consume more calories than I would on the Standard American Diet.
I'm not sure that I've mentioned... I'm Celiac but 100% gluten free... not sure if that is at all related to the infertility...
Here's what I ate today:
7am- 2 eggs (free range) scrambled, 1/2 cup GF oats, 1 tsp coconut palm sugar, 1 Tbs. cream
8:30am- Coffee w/ 4 Tbs creamer 140 calories/6 grams fat (and not clean, this is going soon)
10:30am- yogurt 190 calories/2 grams fat (better if homemade)
1PM 1 cup brown rice w/ 1 small zucchini & 1/2 cup mushrooms (saute), 1 oz grated cheddar cheese, Celtic sea salt & pepper. 376 calories/ 11.5 grams fat
3:15PM 1/2 Lg. banana w/ 1 Tbs chunky peanut butter 175 calories/8 grams fat
6:00 PM GF spaghetti w/ ground turkey, big organic salad, 1 Tbs Ranch 460 cals/17 grams fat.
I'm drinking lots of water and taking one Alli with each of the three meals.
Maybe the weight loss focus will help redirect my baby crazy brain... :-)
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
IUI Successful... On to the 2WW.
At 7PM yesterday I got a positive OPK and another one at 10PM, so we took the swimmers into the RE's office first thing this morning for washing and preparation. Devoted Daddy and I returned at 9am for an ultrasound and IUI.
The ultrasound showed that my endometrium was PERFECT! 11.6mm on CD14. YAY! It also revealed 3 BEAUTIFUL FOLLIES! The follicles measured 25, 26, & 29 mm with two on my right ovary and one on my left. Dr. Awesome said they should rupture within hours.
The IUI itself wasn't a walk in the park... these things are suppose to be easy but due to the scarring on my cervix (cervical stenosis) from previous surgeries, my cervix wasn't open and Dr. Awesome had to dilate and push through the scar tissue. Needless to say, that was a very painful experience. My biggest fear was that the scar tissue would be too significant and Dr. Awesome would say we had to move on to IVF... which I don't think we could ever afford.
We had 27 million MOTILE swimmers placed at the top of my uterus near the fallopian tubes to lie in weight for those eggs. Devoted Daddy says he's blaming me if we get triplets. :-)
I'm home now... with normal activity level, but I do have spotting and cramping. Dr. Awesome said I could expect to feel like AF was coming but that it won't.
On to phase 3... progesterone draw in 7 days. Dr. Awesome said that with three rupturing follicles I can expect a higher level of progesterone this month.
Then, 14 days from today I can POAS. If the test is a BFP, I'll go in for Beta Blood to assess HCG levels. If it's BFN, I'll wait for AF and go in for an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries have recovered enough to start clomid again. If it's BFN but AF doesn't show... we will do a blood test.
I have no clue what the chances of being pregnant this cycle are... but I'm praying for at least one sticky baby out of this! In the meantime, I'll keep charting and see how my temperature reacts to all that progesterone.
The ultrasound showed that my endometrium was PERFECT! 11.6mm on CD14. YAY! It also revealed 3 BEAUTIFUL FOLLIES! The follicles measured 25, 26, & 29 mm with two on my right ovary and one on my left. Dr. Awesome said they should rupture within hours.
The IUI itself wasn't a walk in the park... these things are suppose to be easy but due to the scarring on my cervix (cervical stenosis) from previous surgeries, my cervix wasn't open and Dr. Awesome had to dilate and push through the scar tissue. Needless to say, that was a very painful experience. My biggest fear was that the scar tissue would be too significant and Dr. Awesome would say we had to move on to IVF... which I don't think we could ever afford.
We had 27 million MOTILE swimmers placed at the top of my uterus near the fallopian tubes to lie in weight for those eggs. Devoted Daddy says he's blaming me if we get triplets. :-)
I'm home now... with normal activity level, but I do have spotting and cramping. Dr. Awesome said I could expect to feel like AF was coming but that it won't.
On to phase 3... progesterone draw in 7 days. Dr. Awesome said that with three rupturing follicles I can expect a higher level of progesterone this month.
Then, 14 days from today I can POAS. If the test is a BFP, I'll go in for Beta Blood to assess HCG levels. If it's BFN, I'll wait for AF and go in for an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries have recovered enough to start clomid again. If it's BFN but AF doesn't show... we will do a blood test.
I have no clue what the chances of being pregnant this cycle are... but I'm praying for at least one sticky baby out of this! In the meantime, I'll keep charting and see how my temperature reacts to all that progesterone.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Having a Plan
I've felt better since we attended our Fertility Center appointment and met extensively with the wonderful staff there. I like having a plan... blame it on my OCD tendencies if you like.
I wasn't distraught when AF showed up after 37 days because I already knew I wasn't pregnant... I had a corpus luteum cyst that continued to produce progesterone (and some nasty symptoms). Since I was armed with knowledge, I was eager for AF so I could start on The PLAN.
I completed phase one of the plan on CD7 (Oct. 19th) with the completion of five days of 150mg clomid. I didn't experience any crazy side effects... just a few hot flashes (okay, more than a few) and I was a bit more fatigued (it was harder to get up in the mornings, but when isn't it?).
Today I am on CD12. I started using Clear Blue Easy OPK sticks on Saturday. No line to speak of yet but I am feeling more Pre-O like.
So now I'm testing and waiting... when I get the go (a test line that is almost as dark as the reference line but not quite positive), I'll call the clinic and get scheduled for first thing the following morning.
Other than the fact that I hate waiting (I'm an instant gratification person)... this is a good plan. It feels nice to have a plan.
I wasn't distraught when AF showed up after 37 days because I already knew I wasn't pregnant... I had a corpus luteum cyst that continued to produce progesterone (and some nasty symptoms). Since I was armed with knowledge, I was eager for AF so I could start on The PLAN.
I completed phase one of the plan on CD7 (Oct. 19th) with the completion of five days of 150mg clomid. I didn't experience any crazy side effects... just a few hot flashes (okay, more than a few) and I was a bit more fatigued (it was harder to get up in the mornings, but when isn't it?).
Today I am on CD12. I started using Clear Blue Easy OPK sticks on Saturday. No line to speak of yet but I am feeling more Pre-O like.
So now I'm testing and waiting... when I get the go (a test line that is almost as dark as the reference line but not quite positive), I'll call the clinic and get scheduled for first thing the following morning.
Other than the fact that I hate waiting (I'm an instant gratification person)... this is a good plan. It feels nice to have a plan.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Late Ovulation & Infertility Depression
As any infertile knows, we watch our cycles like the crazy, obsessed, women we are. I know exactly what day AF will show up. I know what signs signal impending ovulation. I know what EWCM is and what lack of it means. I know how to OPK and read the results with accuracy. I take my temperature every morning, before I do anything. I then record my temperature in a computer program which graphs my temperatures & symptoms and let's me know when I might be entering my fertile phase. Some days, I obsess over that chart... looking over it many times (as if it would change).
This cycle, I was well prepared for an early ovulation. I was expecting CD12-13. CD10 & 11 I had nearly +OPK and all the signs the ovulation was rapidly approaching. DH and I had backed off to our every other day schedule and began using Pre~Seed to help the swimmers quantity and motility. By end of day on CD11, I was in SEVERE pain. CD12 arrived with no sign of LH on the OPK and the pain reduced to moderate. My temps stayed down. I had another weird symptom this cycle, CD10-16 there was pink spotting. I've never had that, but hoped it was ovulation spotting. CD17 & 18, I felt my body ramp back up to try for ovulation again. By end of day on CD18, the pain was back. I woke to elevated temps on CD19 along with my post-O symptoms that arrive with progesterone.
By CD19 we were no longer in BD mode and had switched back to the "normal" frequency and had stopped using Pre~Seed. So, I know the chances of conception are pretty low as the swimmers probably had a low count from "overuse". :)
The good news... the late O has lined things up for me to be on CD3 when I see the RE on Oct. 11th so we will be able to sneak in a medicated IUI cycle if the RE thinks we are good to go.
The bad news... I am depressed. It's mostly an infertility issue... trouble is I can't take anything for it because I wouldn't want to get pregnant while on medication. I should find a therapist...
Oh the joys of not being able to make a baby.
Did I mention how angry it makes me to see these young girls, sleeping around, smoking, doing who knows what and neglecting their offspring?
This cycle, I was well prepared for an early ovulation. I was expecting CD12-13. CD10 & 11 I had nearly +OPK and all the signs the ovulation was rapidly approaching. DH and I had backed off to our every other day schedule and began using Pre~Seed to help the swimmers quantity and motility. By end of day on CD11, I was in SEVERE pain. CD12 arrived with no sign of LH on the OPK and the pain reduced to moderate. My temps stayed down. I had another weird symptom this cycle, CD10-16 there was pink spotting. I've never had that, but hoped it was ovulation spotting. CD17 & 18, I felt my body ramp back up to try for ovulation again. By end of day on CD18, the pain was back. I woke to elevated temps on CD19 along with my post-O symptoms that arrive with progesterone.
By CD19 we were no longer in BD mode and had switched back to the "normal" frequency and had stopped using Pre~Seed. So, I know the chances of conception are pretty low as the swimmers probably had a low count from "overuse". :)
The good news... the late O has lined things up for me to be on CD3 when I see the RE on Oct. 11th so we will be able to sneak in a medicated IUI cycle if the RE thinks we are good to go.
The bad news... I am depressed. It's mostly an infertility issue... trouble is I can't take anything for it because I wouldn't want to get pregnant while on medication. I should find a therapist...
Oh the joys of not being able to make a baby.
Did I mention how angry it makes me to see these young girls, sleeping around, smoking, doing who knows what and neglecting their offspring?
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