Two Week Wait

After my CD7 scan revealed 4 mature follicles (17.6mm-19mm), we did one more injection of 225iu HMG/Lepori.  On CD8 at 10pm, I did the trigger injection (10,000iu Pregnyl).  At 9:30am on CD10, we went in for IUI.  Swimmers looked great (post wash- 34 million, 93% mobile, 3.0 progression; our pre-wash count @ 91mil/ml was the best we've had yet! I'm convinced that the 60 hour mark for abstinence is our best bet for the swimmers. . . we also did better the week leading up to IUI and was on a every other day pattern vs our normal every day).  The IUI itself took a bit of time (and discomfort) once again, thanks to my messed up cervix.  Finally, the catheter found the path in and all was good.

 I was given instructions to start progesterone suppositories on CD11 (today) but I'm waiting until tomorrow because we are at a water park and the thought of ooey gooey oozy progesterone suppositories + swim suit + public pool. . . well, you get the idea.  Normally, one would start progesterone at three days past ovulation anyway, so I'm not concerned, especially since my BBT was sky high today (97.83) confirming strong progesterone following ovulation.

I didn't realize that progesterone support was standard protocol following a gonadotropin cycle.  Something about messing with your bodies normal function, blah blah blah.  Progesterone is the witching drug if you ask me. . . although I shouldn't complain because at least Dr. A is kind enough to give us the suppositories vs injections of progesterone in oil (in the buttocks!).

I've spent the last 36 hours visualizing my eggs busting out, meeting up with the swimmers, and dividing as they travel down my fallopian tubes.  In a few days, prayerfully, one or more will find their way into the squishy lining of my uterus and continue to grow.

My instructions are to POAS 14 days from yesterday (January 4, 2013). . . we shall see if I can wait that long.  If I get a +, then starts the multitude of BETAs.

I feel really positive about this cycle. . . this is going to be in.  Things were perfect, including our timing and our swimmers. . . my lining is better than it has been in any previous cycle. . .

Part of me wanted to do another scan the morning of the IUI to confirm follicles and lining. . . but everything looked good on CD7, so there is no reason to think that would be different.  Dr. A is trying to help keep our costs down and not pushing for excessive monitoring.

16dpo and Progesterone Hang Over

Ugh. . . I hate the waiting game.  These darn medicated cycles drag out longer and longer.  We learned last cycle, when I conceived that a home test at 15dpo was negative and at 18dpo it was positive. . . was this because it wasn't a viable pregnancy, or is that how my body rolls?  Who knows. . . so I have to wait out until 18dpo this round on progesterone.  If I test negative then, I can stop the progesterone and wait for my next cycle to start.

Trouble is. . . I feel like crap.  I have a killer migraine.  I'm so darn tired.  This could be the progesterone. . . who knows.  I've taken two tests, at 14dpo and 15dpo.  I skipped today. . . maybe I'll test tomorrow.  I went by the Dollar Tree and picked up 7 of the Assured tests.  I used these in my conception cycle along with First Response Early Detection (the most sensitive on the market).  The Assured Dollar Tree test also showed positive when my HCG was only 18 and continued to show it when my HCG dropped over the next couple of days.  This tells me they are super sensitive and why waste the big bucks? (The First Response also showed positive.)

I have to decide if I want to shell out the $450 to have a base line scan once AF does show up. . . if so, then I can have another medicated cycle (oh the joys!).  If not, we do nothing and see. . . of course, we conceived on the non-medicated cycle but my progesterone was low and that bambino didn't stick. . . so who knows.

I asked if I can skip the baseline scan and just go ahead with clomid again. . . I know my body so well, I'd know if I have a cyst (ovulation nearly makes me cry. . . seriously).  They said no because they recently had one lady who tested negative. . . had what looked like AF. . . came in for her baseline scan only to find out she was actually pregnant.  I guess better safe than sorry is the story here, right?

Falling Betas

Yesterday, I went through periods of time when I actually believed we were going to have a baby. . . I pee'd on no less than four home tests throughout the day. 

Today I had Beta #2. . . my HCG level dropped from 18 mIU/ml to 9 mIU/ml.  That's exactly the opposite of what we wanted.  Today's level should have been at least 36 mIU/ml. 

My fertility clinic informed me "this is not a progressing pregnancy".  I'm to stop the progesterone support and return in one week to ensure my HCG has fallen back into the negative range <5 mIU/ml.

My heart is sad.  I really wanted this to be it. . . after 18 failed cycles, I was ready for happy news.  I've said over and over throughout the past months that a positive test doesn't mean we will have a viable pregnancy, but to face the reality of it is another story.

What's next?  I don't know. . . Once my body has cleared, I will likely start on clomid again to regulate my cycles and get a better ovulation, which will give me a better progesterone level (mine was low at 6.28 this time). 

I'm trying to remind myself that this means we can get pregnant. . . my eggs can be fertilized. . . slowing my husband down a bit in the S-E-X department can achieve the desired result.  That doesn't change the fact that I'm sad. . . I wanted THIS baby. . . I already loved THIS baby who by definition is only 36 days into what should have been a 9 month journey. . . I still think about the last baby I lost, also very early like this one. . . I was convinced that baby was a boy (I've only birthed girls) and bought a cute little boy outfit at the Gymboree.  Hours later, I found out my HCG was dropping. . .  Funny, yesterday I was telling my girlfriend how I thought this one would be a boy.  Maybe my body rejects the male of our species. . . or maybe I just have an overactive imagination.  (To give myself some credit, I knew all three of my bio babies were girls from day one. . . and I bought little girl clothing on day one of a BFP.)

Losing babies, even very early in a pregnancy is a sad & emotional time.  I didn't want to believe this could happen to me.  I know the statistics say 1 in 5. . . but I've already had losses, so I wanted to be safe.

I'm going to try to focus on losing even more weight and getting into the best shape possible. . . and praying hard that our little bean will be on his/her way soon!