Two Week Wait

After my CD7 scan revealed 4 mature follicles (17.6mm-19mm), we did one more injection of 225iu HMG/Lepori.  On CD8 at 10pm, I did the trigger injection (10,000iu Pregnyl).  At 9:30am on CD10, we went in for IUI.  Swimmers looked great (post wash- 34 million, 93% mobile, 3.0 progression; our pre-wash count @ 91mil/ml was the best we've had yet! I'm convinced that the 60 hour mark for abstinence is our best bet for the swimmers. . . we also did better the week leading up to IUI and was on a every other day pattern vs our normal every day).  The IUI itself took a bit of time (and discomfort) once again, thanks to my messed up cervix.  Finally, the catheter found the path in and all was good.

 I was given instructions to start progesterone suppositories on CD11 (today) but I'm waiting until tomorrow because we are at a water park and the thought of ooey gooey oozy progesterone suppositories + swim suit + public pool. . . well, you get the idea.  Normally, one would start progesterone at three days past ovulation anyway, so I'm not concerned, especially since my BBT was sky high today (97.83) confirming strong progesterone following ovulation.

I didn't realize that progesterone support was standard protocol following a gonadotropin cycle.  Something about messing with your bodies normal function, blah blah blah.  Progesterone is the witching drug if you ask me. . . although I shouldn't complain because at least Dr. A is kind enough to give us the suppositories vs injections of progesterone in oil (in the buttocks!).

I've spent the last 36 hours visualizing my eggs busting out, meeting up with the swimmers, and dividing as they travel down my fallopian tubes.  In a few days, prayerfully, one or more will find their way into the squishy lining of my uterus and continue to grow.

My instructions are to POAS 14 days from yesterday (January 4, 2013). . . we shall see if I can wait that long.  If I get a +, then starts the multitude of BETAs.

I feel really positive about this cycle. . . this is going to be in.  Things were perfect, including our timing and our swimmers. . . my lining is better than it has been in any previous cycle. . .

Part of me wanted to do another scan the morning of the IUI to confirm follicles and lining. . . but everything looked good on CD7, so there is no reason to think that would be different.  Dr. A is trying to help keep our costs down and not pushing for excessive monitoring.

Fast Responder!

Today was my CD7 scan to check on how the old ovaries were doing. . . I knew they'd started to wake up because I was feeling some discomfort, especially in the hours after my injection. 

When I went in to see Dr. Awesome this morning, I had taken 4 daily injections of generic Menopur (HMG/Lepori)  at 225iu, 225iu, 225iu, and 150iu.  We were planning on another 4-6 days of injections (minimum) before trigger.  Well, as luck would have it, I'm evidently very sensitive to this medication and I have FOUR mature follicles already.  Three on my right and one on my left, all measuring 17.6mm-19.1mm. RIDICULOUS.   My endometrium was already a healthy 8.2mm with a triple layer, so it should be a nice and squishy landing pad in a couple days time (this is better than I have had in the last several cycles on trigger day!).

So, the plan is that I would do one more injection of 225iu this evening, then tomorrow at 10pm (Thursday, CD9) I will trigger and we will IUI around 10am on Saturday (CD11).

Within an hour or so of my injection this evening, my ovaries started protesting. . . evidently they weren't happy with another dose of drugs.  My 9pm, I could barely stand up straight and had to hobble out to the car and swallow three ibuprofen.  I made it home and am now snuggled up with the heating pad on my belly.  Thankfully, the ibuprofen took the brunt of the pain away.  I hope this doesn't mean early ovulation for me, I'll temp the next couple of mornings just in case.  We are suppose to BD tonight anyway (thankfully the meds are working!) and then abstain until our Saturday morning collection time.

Here's to baby making!  With luck, the New Year will bring glad tidings indeed!

What Infertility Looks Like

Today was trigger day.  I'm sooooo looking forward to the next cycle in which I get to inject myself daily with awesome hormones that will make me a raving lunatic.

Despite the blood, this was a painless injection.  The previous injections have been done by either my husband or a nurse at the clinic.  This was the least painful injection. . . as in didn't hurt a bit and no bruise/lingering sting like I've had before.  Just some bleeding.  I've noticed that I'm bleeding more lately with pokes. . . my flu shot bleed like crazy last month.  I'm not taking aspirin, so it's a bit odd, but not anything to worry about.

BTW- despite my complete failure to produce a living child these past two years, I'm considered "proven fertility" and "it's just a matter of time".  This should make me feel better.

After our BMS tonight, I placed the order for 20 vials of Menopur.  There's nothing like shelling out a whole lot of money to make an infertile dance a jig. 

CD11 Scan

I went in for a scan this morning to see how my follicles are developing.  OPKs are unreliable for me and timing is a big concern for us so we decided early was the way to go this cycle.

My ovaries look great.  I have four good sized follicles developing on my right ovary (otherwise known as my "good" side).  I didn't pay perfect attention to the follicle sizes, but I know they were all between 14 & 18mm today.  Monday afternoon I should trigger, we are thinking two more days of follicle development should put most of them around 21mm and hopefully allow my endometrium to thicken (it was only 6.3mm today).

This is the last clomid cycle for the foreseeable future.  My lining isn't doing well and obviously I'm not getting pregnant on clomid.  I'll place my order with IVFmeds.com on Monday for 20 vials of generic menopur.  December we will do injections only. . . and that will be our last treatment cycle.  We will have used up our insurance benefit and our medical savings plans.  We can't afford the cost of an IVF cycle which would be the next step.  (Wishing I had some great skill, like making beautiful quilts or stained glass so I could auction off items to help with the costs.)

I hate the idea of shelling out the money on injectables while I'm still in the middle of a cycle that *could* be successful.  I guess if that happens, I will be so happy that donating the meds to the clinic won't be an issue.   The good news is that by ordering the meds overseas through IVFmeds.com saves us a LOT of money.  My RE says many women in the clinic use meds from there and they are all the same as meds in the U.S., except a whole lot less expensive.

Early Miscarriage and Moving On

No one warned me that a miscarriage at 5 1/2 weeks would be quite so nasty.  I assumed (and no one told me differently) that it would be similar to a late menses. .  I expected heavier bleeding than I would have with a normal 28-30 day non conception cycle.  I did not expect the amount of tissue and clotting that happened (thankfully mostly all at once).  It is quite an emotional experience to be sitting in the bathroom and find globs of what you know should be a baby growing inside your belly. .  . enough said.

I've shed a few tears. .  .but I'm trying to remember that there is nothing we can change about losing this pregnancy and I'm grateful the loss was so early (instead of the 9 week ultrasound my friend just had which revealed no heartbeat or the 21 week umbilical cord separation that another friend suffered a few years ago).   If I hadn't broken down and taken a test (because, duh, I was 18dpo and every RE on the planet says- "18dpo and temps are still up, you are pregnant" unless of course you aren't and just have an awesome progesterone producing cyst) I wouldn't have even known I was actually, finally, pregnant.

But I digress.

We are moving in. . . because we have no other choice.  My RE encouraged us to try for 2-3 cycles on our own (possibly with ovulation help) since he felt so confident about my weight loss/dietary changes and the impact that would have on my fertility.  Evidently he was right. . . the combination did allow us to conceive, finally.  Prayerfully, we will conceive again quickly and have a sticky baby.

Because my progesterone was so low this time (6.28), we are taking clomid on CD5-9 (normally I take clomid CD3-7 but we had to wait for my final beta hcg, so today it is).  I'm taking 150mg as usual.  We will not be using a trigger, just timing intercourse well.  I'm suppose to use an ovulation predictor kit to help make sure that happens.  What I learned last cycle is that spacing BD did make a big difference. . . so darling hubs will be getting his groove on only every 2-3 days until ovulation is confirmed since we know daily BD depletes the swimmers.  This last cycle we got BD in 16x's in 32 days (which is still a lot) vs. our normal 30+ times.  And it's the first cycle we managed to get swimmer and egg together. . . 'nuff said.

Once ovulation is confirmed, I will be starting progesterone suppositories (half 100mg 2x daily) until negative beta. . . if we get a positive, then I will continue the progesterone for at least 12 weeks.

In the past when my progesterone has been checked at 7dpo, it's been decent (15-20) on medicated cycles. .  we haven't tested it in unmedicated cycles but my luteal phase and temps have been pretty good which normally is an indicator of happy progesterone.

We won't be attempting anymore treatment until at least October when our FSA resets and at this time we are still up in the air as to whether it'll be more IUI with injectables or onto IVF.  IVF is a hard one for me given what I believe about creation of life. .  .but it's amazing what we can convince ourselves to do in order to have a child.  I'm praying we won't have to make that decision.

Falling Betas

Yesterday, I went through periods of time when I actually believed we were going to have a baby. . . I pee'd on no less than four home tests throughout the day. 

Today I had Beta #2. . . my HCG level dropped from 18 mIU/ml to 9 mIU/ml.  That's exactly the opposite of what we wanted.  Today's level should have been at least 36 mIU/ml. 

My fertility clinic informed me "this is not a progressing pregnancy".  I'm to stop the progesterone support and return in one week to ensure my HCG has fallen back into the negative range <5 mIU/ml.

My heart is sad.  I really wanted this to be it. . . after 18 failed cycles, I was ready for happy news.  I've said over and over throughout the past months that a positive test doesn't mean we will have a viable pregnancy, but to face the reality of it is another story.

What's next?  I don't know. . . Once my body has cleared, I will likely start on clomid again to regulate my cycles and get a better ovulation, which will give me a better progesterone level (mine was low at 6.28 this time). 

I'm trying to remind myself that this means we can get pregnant. . . my eggs can be fertilized. . . slowing my husband down a bit in the S-E-X department can achieve the desired result.  That doesn't change the fact that I'm sad. . . I wanted THIS baby. . . I already loved THIS baby who by definition is only 36 days into what should have been a 9 month journey. . . I still think about the last baby I lost, also very early like this one. . . I was convinced that baby was a boy (I've only birthed girls) and bought a cute little boy outfit at the Gymboree.  Hours later, I found out my HCG was dropping. . .  Funny, yesterday I was telling my girlfriend how I thought this one would be a boy.  Maybe my body rejects the male of our species. . . or maybe I just have an overactive imagination.  (To give myself some credit, I knew all three of my bio babies were girls from day one. . . and I bought little girl clothing on day one of a BFP.)

Losing babies, even very early in a pregnancy is a sad & emotional time.  I didn't want to believe this could happen to me.  I know the statistics say 1 in 5. . . but I've already had losses, so I wanted to be safe.

I'm going to try to focus on losing even more weight and getting into the best shape possible. . . and praying hard that our little bean will be on his/her way soon!