Falling Betas

Yesterday, I went through periods of time when I actually believed we were going to have a baby. . . I pee'd on no less than four home tests throughout the day. 

Today I had Beta #2. . . my HCG level dropped from 18 mIU/ml to 9 mIU/ml.  That's exactly the opposite of what we wanted.  Today's level should have been at least 36 mIU/ml. 

My fertility clinic informed me "this is not a progressing pregnancy".  I'm to stop the progesterone support and return in one week to ensure my HCG has fallen back into the negative range <5 mIU/ml.

My heart is sad.  I really wanted this to be it. . . after 18 failed cycles, I was ready for happy news.  I've said over and over throughout the past months that a positive test doesn't mean we will have a viable pregnancy, but to face the reality of it is another story.

What's next?  I don't know. . . Once my body has cleared, I will likely start on clomid again to regulate my cycles and get a better ovulation, which will give me a better progesterone level (mine was low at 6.28 this time). 

I'm trying to remind myself that this means we can get pregnant. . . my eggs can be fertilized. . . slowing my husband down a bit in the S-E-X department can achieve the desired result.  That doesn't change the fact that I'm sad. . . I wanted THIS baby. . . I already loved THIS baby who by definition is only 36 days into what should have been a 9 month journey. . . I still think about the last baby I lost, also very early like this one. . . I was convinced that baby was a boy (I've only birthed girls) and bought a cute little boy outfit at the Gymboree.  Hours later, I found out my HCG was dropping. . .  Funny, yesterday I was telling my girlfriend how I thought this one would be a boy.  Maybe my body rejects the male of our species. . . or maybe I just have an overactive imagination.  (To give myself some credit, I knew all three of my bio babies were girls from day one. . . and I bought little girl clothing on day one of a BFP.)

Losing babies, even very early in a pregnancy is a sad & emotional time.  I didn't want to believe this could happen to me.  I know the statistics say 1 in 5. . . but I've already had losses, so I wanted to be safe.

I'm going to try to focus on losing even more weight and getting into the best shape possible. . . and praying hard that our little bean will be on his/her way soon!

While We Wait

Since baby making is on hold for the next two months, I've decided to jump back on my clean eating bandwagon and shed a few (or 30 pounds). The last time I stuck to clean eating, I lost 40 pounds in just over 3 months... A year later the weight started creeping back on because I wasn't eating clean anymore, going out for dinner too often, and enjoying a few too many mocha's.

I know that weight isn't contributing to my infertility issues as my ovulation pattern has been more regular than ever AND I conceived three children previously with my body at the same weight... this is the place my body likes to be even though I don't like it here.

For the first two weeks (when I know there is ZERO chance of conception)... I am taking Alli as well as recording 100% of food (calories and fat). I'm eating clean... I'm eating every 2-3 hours... I'm drinking lots and lots of water. I'm food obsessed but it's only day 2... it will get easier. Today I took in 1681 calories & 58 grams of healthy fats. I know many people think of a weight loss diet as having a much lower calorie intake, but I tell you this... I would not survive. I've discovered the metabolism miracle of eating clean, frequent, and in the right combination actually allows me to consume more calories than I would on the Standard American Diet.

I'm not sure that I've mentioned... I'm Celiac but 100% gluten free... not sure if that is at all related to the infertility...

Here's what I ate today:
7am- 2 eggs (free range) scrambled, 1/2 cup GF oats, 1 tsp coconut palm sugar, 1 Tbs. cream
8:30am- Coffee w/ 4 Tbs creamer 140 calories/6 grams fat (and not clean, this is going soon)
10:30am- yogurt 190 calories/2 grams fat (better if homemade)
1PM 1 cup brown rice w/ 1 small zucchini & 1/2 cup mushrooms (saute), 1 oz grated cheddar cheese, Celtic sea salt & pepper. 376 calories/ 11.5 grams fat
3:15PM 1/2 Lg. banana w/ 1 Tbs chunky peanut butter 175 calories/8 grams fat
6:00 PM GF spaghetti w/ ground turkey, big organic salad, 1 Tbs Ranch 460 cals/17 grams fat.

I'm drinking lots of water and taking one Alli with each of the three meals.

Maybe the weight loss focus will help redirect my baby crazy brain... :-)