Falling Betas

Yesterday, I went through periods of time when I actually believed we were going to have a baby. . . I pee'd on no less than four home tests throughout the day. 

Today I had Beta #2. . . my HCG level dropped from 18 mIU/ml to 9 mIU/ml.  That's exactly the opposite of what we wanted.  Today's level should have been at least 36 mIU/ml. 

My fertility clinic informed me "this is not a progressing pregnancy".  I'm to stop the progesterone support and return in one week to ensure my HCG has fallen back into the negative range <5 mIU/ml.

My heart is sad.  I really wanted this to be it. . . after 18 failed cycles, I was ready for happy news.  I've said over and over throughout the past months that a positive test doesn't mean we will have a viable pregnancy, but to face the reality of it is another story.

What's next?  I don't know. . . Once my body has cleared, I will likely start on clomid again to regulate my cycles and get a better ovulation, which will give me a better progesterone level (mine was low at 6.28 this time). 

I'm trying to remind myself that this means we can get pregnant. . . my eggs can be fertilized. . . slowing my husband down a bit in the S-E-X department can achieve the desired result.  That doesn't change the fact that I'm sad. . . I wanted THIS baby. . . I already loved THIS baby who by definition is only 36 days into what should have been a 9 month journey. . . I still think about the last baby I lost, also very early like this one. . . I was convinced that baby was a boy (I've only birthed girls) and bought a cute little boy outfit at the Gymboree.  Hours later, I found out my HCG was dropping. . .  Funny, yesterday I was telling my girlfriend how I thought this one would be a boy.  Maybe my body rejects the male of our species. . . or maybe I just have an overactive imagination.  (To give myself some credit, I knew all three of my bio babies were girls from day one. . . and I bought little girl clothing on day one of a BFP.)

Losing babies, even very early in a pregnancy is a sad & emotional time.  I didn't want to believe this could happen to me.  I know the statistics say 1 in 5. . . but I've already had losses, so I wanted to be safe.

I'm going to try to focus on losing even more weight and getting into the best shape possible. . . and praying hard that our little bean will be on his/her way soon!