Calming the Baby Tide

I spent the last two years trying to regulate my cycle and return to an ovulatory pattern. I spent the first 3 months of the year charting, ensuring BD happened on the correct days, and assuming we'd be pregnant quickly... after all, I was ovulating which was my previous cause of infertility. We'd both spawned/birthed children previously despite some obstacles.

I spent the next 7 months fretting over why I wasn't pregnant yet... what else was wrong. Then the SA came back low... VERY low... so I blamed it on that. Two weeks later the SA came back normal (after a 60 hour abstinence). So, we decided maybe it was too frequent BD draining the supply.

While waiting three months to see the RE, we spaced out BD a bit, taking breaks during my fertile window while still getting enough action to ensure adequate swimmers. We used PreSeed (messy). Still nothing... not even a hint of a line on a stick...

Honestly, I knew deep in my mind that pregnancy won't be easy to achieve... now or ever. It wasn't a dozen years ago, why would it be now? I haven't conceived in 7.5 years, and there has been plenty of drama "down there" since that pregnancy and delivery. I just wanted it to be easy this time...

Strangely enough... now that we are on a plan, I feel better. I also think a part of me is just assuming it isn't going to work so my hopes aren't as high. I want it to work... and I will be an emotional wreck if it does (or doesn't), but I feel like that's one of those far reaching dreams that just may not be.

I've calmed down over the last 5 weeks... AF wasn't even emotional for me this past cycle (normally I'm a mess). I like having a plan. I like not having to stress about when we should (or shouldn't) BD. Now I have phases- 1. AF & baseline ultrasound 2. medication 3. POAS 4. IUI 5. progesterone draw 6. AF or BETA. This helps my OCD mind function. I'm sure after a few cycles of this, it will lose it's calming affect.

As things stand, this will be our last round before a couple month break. During that break, I will likely have my cervix dilated to remove the scar tissue and possibly have surgery to remove the endometriosis. After surgery, we are undecided about waiting for a few months and seeing if it happens on its own or continuing on with a couple more IUI's.

I want to say that I will do whatever it takes to have another child... to have a child with my amazing husband. But the reality is, I don't know how we could ever afford IVF... even if we managed to save the money for a round, how could we justify it with all the other expenses of raising our family (and trying to get out of debt).

For now, we are between medication and POAS phases. Sunday starts the OPK's (CD10). We will take BD breaks on CD12-until IUI (likely CD14). We will still use PreSeed on CD10 & 11 and following IUI. Last round, we had a 3 day BD break but the total swimmer count was lower than the previous 2 day break so I don't think it's going to change our numbers much. The counts were still good and motility was good.

Fertility Center Appointment and What's Next

This morning was our first appointment with the fertility center... I feel like things went well and instead of being sad (as I usually am when I discover I'm not pregnant), I feel empowered. Now, we finally have a plan of action (and I'm an action girl).

So... I am on day 36 of this cycle. That's 18dpo since I ovulated on CD18. By all signs, that should mean I am pregnant. But I'm not... I took FIVE HPT (3 different brands). At my appointment this morning, we did a blood draw for pregnancy as well (they are also checking for rubella immunity and progesterone levels). When the results come back this afternoon, we will know that's its okay to proceed with our "plan".

It looks like I have a fabulous corpus luteum cyst. That means I ovulated like I should have... the corpus luteum produced progesterone like it should have... but instead of going away after my LP, it hung around still producing progesterone. Awesome. The progesterone level will confirm this.

Now we will down regulate for two weeks (which will squash the cyst and get menses started), then start clomid on CD3-7. I will begin using OVUKIT (Clear Plan Easy) to detect the very beginning of my LH surge. When I see that first faint line, I will call the clinic and prepare to come in bright and early the next morning for IUI, swimmers in hand. :-)

In other news... when I got home from the RE, I noticed a tinsy bit of spotting has started... this could mean that AF will show up on her own, likely tomorrow. If that's the case we will shave two weeks off for the down-regulating.

Dr. agrees that a laparoscopy may be needed, given my past and increasing pain issues... BUT that those issues may not be affecting my ability to conceive. We know that I have a damaged cervix that is not producing happy cervical fluids which combined with slightly slow swimmers is our main issue. If we aren't pregnant after 3-4 medicated IUI cycles then we will dig a little deeper.

Late Ovulation & Infertility Depression

As any infertile knows, we watch our cycles like the crazy, obsessed, women we are. I know exactly what day AF will show up. I know what signs signal impending ovulation. I know what EWCM is and what lack of it means. I know how to OPK and read the results with accuracy. I take my temperature every morning, before I do anything. I then record my temperature in a computer program which graphs my temperatures & symptoms and let's me know when I might be entering my fertile phase. Some days, I obsess over that chart... looking over it many times (as if it would change).

This cycle, I was well prepared for an early ovulation. I was expecting CD12-13. CD10 & 11 I had nearly +OPK and all the signs the ovulation was rapidly approaching. DH and I had backed off to our every other day schedule and began using Pre~Seed to help the swimmers quantity and motility. By end of day on CD11, I was in SEVERE pain. CD12 arrived with no sign of LH on the OPK and the pain reduced to moderate. My temps stayed down. I had another weird symptom this cycle, CD10-16 there was pink spotting. I've never had that, but hoped it was ovulation spotting. CD17 & 18, I felt my body ramp back up to try for ovulation again. By end of day on CD18, the pain was back. I woke to elevated temps on CD19 along with my post-O symptoms that arrive with progesterone.

By CD19 we were no longer in BD mode and had switched back to the "normal" frequency and had stopped using Pre~Seed. So, I know the chances of conception are pretty low as the swimmers probably had a low count from "overuse". :)

The good news... the late O has lined things up for me to be on CD3 when I see the RE on Oct. 11th so we will be able to sneak in a medicated IUI cycle if the RE thinks we are good to go.

The bad news... I am depressed. It's mostly an infertility issue... trouble is I can't take anything for it because I wouldn't want to get pregnant while on medication. I should find a therapist...

Oh the joys of not being able to make a baby.

Did I mention how angry it makes me to see these young girls, sleeping around, smoking, doing who knows what and neglecting their offspring?

First Fertility Clinic Appointment Coming Soon...

We are four weeks from our first appointment at the fertility clinic... this is the big guns, ART clinic. Manic Mama is ready to wet her pants with nervousness, apprehension, and excitement. Devoted Daddy is living in the world of "what appointment" which is pretty standard for men. :)

What we know... Devoted Daddy's swimmers are up to par when we take BD breaks of two days... Frequent BD was sapping the supply.

Manic Mama's cervix is scarred from previous surgery and doesn't make happy fertile fluid.

What we fear... the condition of Manic Mama's uterus. Did the former surgeries scar the uterus to the extent that we won't be able to conceive/carry???

Manic Mama is hoping that medicated IUI will do the trick for us... even with my religious objections to ART, IUI can be acceptable as long as we BD before and after the IUI. I'm still working things out in my head regarding my churches teaching on IVF and the reality that it may be the ONLY WAY for Devoted Daddy and I to have a child together...

What's a Half Full Quiver?

Devoted Daddy and I are not really part of the Quiver Full (at least not in the true context of the word)... what we are:

A mixed Christian faith household... Manic Mama is a Catholic Christian, Devoted Daddy is a Protestant Christian.

What we believe... Children are a gift from God, our arms (and hearts) are open to any and all children sent to us (we are pursuing foster parenting at this time).

Our family includes FIVE children related to at least one of us biologically (we are a combined household).

We desire more children.

As a Catholic Christian, Manic Mama believes in large families and Natural Family Planning (when spacing is needed). Devoted Daddy is in agreement, although has many moments of feeling overwhelmed by the demands of a large family.

Manic Mama believes that Natural Family Planning/Fertility Awareness EMPOWERS all women, strengthens marriages, and changes the mindset about families.

With a family of seven, our quiver is only half full... we have lots of room in our hearts, arms, & homes for the blessing of more children. BUT, we currently find ourselves battling infertility -- now called secondary since we both were part of primary infertility, but technically we are experiencing primary infertility since the two of us together have not procreated. :)

This is a place to journal our many struggles with parenting, infertility, and welcoming children into our lives however they arrive.

Psalm 127:3-5

Children are a heritage from the LORD,
offspring a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their opponents in court.