Where Do We Go From Here?

I'm 18dpo... no, I'm not pregnant, although it seems that I should be.  We don't know why my LP (luteal phase) is lasting so long (as it has every cycle since the miscarriage except the cycle I used a trigger).

Part of me says go ahead and medicate one more cycle. . . what's it hurt. . . my insurance will cover my November and December cycles in full since I've met my annual out of pocket maximum and I haven't yet maxed out my (very limited) infertility coverage.

The other part of me says I need to let it go for a while.  We know WHY we aren't conceiving (not sure if we have a successful implantation issue yet, but that's look like a possibility).

I've lost weight.  I'm eating well (80-90% of the time grain free, always gluten free).  I'm healthy.  My Celiac is in remission (if there is such a thing- my intestines are currently healed so as long as I eat gluten free, I'm healthy). 

My tubes are clear.  My ovaries are producing eggs each cycle (quite successfully).  I get wet (fertile) CM at least one day every cycle.  My cervix is open (which means the swimmers can get in now).

I'm still not pregnant.

Here's the deal, although I'm not sure my very experienced, totally awesome, RE even gets it.  Hubs swimmers get depleted.  We need 60 hours (minimum)- 72 hours (optimum) between ejaculates in order to get good, healthy swimmers (30-60 mil/ml).  Trouble is. . . hubs drive doesn't often accommodate that kind of spacing.  I feel guilty for putting him off, leaving his needs unmet, etc. . . and I don't want to be the "s-x warden".

This cycle, we did fairly well. . . and I was praying it was enough.  But the reality is, the weekend I ovulated, he was needy. . . so in all likelihood the couple of days before ovulation (when I was most fertile), he had very depleted counts (twice a day, people).  We know that 12-36 hour breaks lead to counts that caused canceled cycles (>10mil/ml).  This is natural, the human body takes 72 hours to fully mature sperm. 

I'm starting to think we may never have a biological child.  I can be okay with that but I want us to have a newborn. . . I'm okay with adopting a newborn but don't see how we could ever afford it.  I'm still praying that our names will come up on the embryo adoption list as that may be the most cost effective route for us to go.  Hubs is nervous about me going through the dangers of pregnancy for a child that isn't biologically ours. . . I'd prefer that to traditional adoption so that the children can be part of the pregnancy and I could breastfeed.

The reality is. . . if we had $15k, I'd opt for a cycle of IVF.  Even though my faith says IVF is morally unacceptable, I think I would do it (easy to say when I know it's not a possibility).  Or perhaps, I'd put that toward the $20K + needed for infant adoption and be assured we'd have a child at the end of the process (and that an unwanted child would have a very loving home).

I don't know.

What I do know is that on that weekend when we were suppose to be spacing BD to get good swimmers, I almost lost it in an emotional fit of tears when hubs was "pursuing" me. . . I wanted to cry and scream "we are suppose to be waiting!". . . but then, as if God spoke to me, I realized that my husband needed me and it was my duty to fulfill those needs.  At that moment, I was able to put it in God's hands. . . this was a big step for me.  I felt myself letting go. .  I said, "if it's God's will, we will have a child, because it's going to take a miracle".  I know without a doubt that it is going to take a miracle to create a child in my womb or to open our lives to infant adoption.  I can't control things (as much as I wish I could).

I'm trying to take a step back from control.  I stopped temping/charting this cycle once I confirmed ovulation.  I waited patiently until AF was late before I took a test.  This was not a medicated cycle (so was the only cycle I conceived in these last two years). 

I feel like at this point, I know my body well. . . I know my cycles well. . . I've been perfectly charting all my fertility signs for two full years. . . we've had all the tests done that we can. . . all I need to figure out is out to get my hubs to slow down his drive during the week leading up to my fertile window.   I'm seriously pondering not charting for a while. . . I know my cycle and can see my other fertility signs without actually charting. . . maybe that will take some of the pressure off?  Of course, I worry that without confirming ovulation via temperature I will cause hubs to miss out on more BD days then necessary.

I also know that if finances weren't an issue. . . I would pursue further treatment and/or adoption.  It sad to be up against a wall that you have no way to scale.  My choices are significantly reduced because I cannot afford treatment or adoption.

There are those who say, "be happy with the family you have".  I am, oh, how I am.  I love my family. . . I love the children we have. And yet, part of me is missing. . . that connection with my husband, that closing of the circle of our children. . . that sharing of a common child, one that is "real" sibling to our children and "real" child to both of us.  I feel a schism in our family, one that says "his" and "hers" instead of "ours".  I feel that "our" baby would change the entire dynamic of our family.  I want (desperately) that little one who I can look at and see my beloveds face.  I fear that if I were to lose my husband (as we know life is fragile), I would be left without any part of him. . . I would lose "his" children to their bio-mom.  I could only see his face in a photo album.  This I fear most. I hunger for permanency and our child symbolizes that.

Calming the Baby Tide

I spent the last two years trying to regulate my cycle and return to an ovulatory pattern. I spent the first 3 months of the year charting, ensuring BD happened on the correct days, and assuming we'd be pregnant quickly... after all, I was ovulating which was my previous cause of infertility. We'd both spawned/birthed children previously despite some obstacles.

I spent the next 7 months fretting over why I wasn't pregnant yet... what else was wrong. Then the SA came back low... VERY low... so I blamed it on that. Two weeks later the SA came back normal (after a 60 hour abstinence). So, we decided maybe it was too frequent BD draining the supply.

While waiting three months to see the RE, we spaced out BD a bit, taking breaks during my fertile window while still getting enough action to ensure adequate swimmers. We used PreSeed (messy). Still nothing... not even a hint of a line on a stick...

Honestly, I knew deep in my mind that pregnancy won't be easy to achieve... now or ever. It wasn't a dozen years ago, why would it be now? I haven't conceived in 7.5 years, and there has been plenty of drama "down there" since that pregnancy and delivery. I just wanted it to be easy this time...

Strangely enough... now that we are on a plan, I feel better. I also think a part of me is just assuming it isn't going to work so my hopes aren't as high. I want it to work... and I will be an emotional wreck if it does (or doesn't), but I feel like that's one of those far reaching dreams that just may not be.

I've calmed down over the last 5 weeks... AF wasn't even emotional for me this past cycle (normally I'm a mess). I like having a plan. I like not having to stress about when we should (or shouldn't) BD. Now I have phases- 1. AF & baseline ultrasound 2. medication 3. POAS 4. IUI 5. progesterone draw 6. AF or BETA. This helps my OCD mind function. I'm sure after a few cycles of this, it will lose it's calming affect.

As things stand, this will be our last round before a couple month break. During that break, I will likely have my cervix dilated to remove the scar tissue and possibly have surgery to remove the endometriosis. After surgery, we are undecided about waiting for a few months and seeing if it happens on its own or continuing on with a couple more IUI's.

I want to say that I will do whatever it takes to have another child... to have a child with my amazing husband. But the reality is, I don't know how we could ever afford IVF... even if we managed to save the money for a round, how could we justify it with all the other expenses of raising our family (and trying to get out of debt).

For now, we are between medication and POAS phases. Sunday starts the OPK's (CD10). We will take BD breaks on CD12-until IUI (likely CD14). We will still use PreSeed on CD10 & 11 and following IUI. Last round, we had a 3 day BD break but the total swimmer count was lower than the previous 2 day break so I don't think it's going to change our numbers much. The counts were still good and motility was good.

Late Ovulation & Infertility Depression

As any infertile knows, we watch our cycles like the crazy, obsessed, women we are. I know exactly what day AF will show up. I know what signs signal impending ovulation. I know what EWCM is and what lack of it means. I know how to OPK and read the results with accuracy. I take my temperature every morning, before I do anything. I then record my temperature in a computer program which graphs my temperatures & symptoms and let's me know when I might be entering my fertile phase. Some days, I obsess over that chart... looking over it many times (as if it would change).

This cycle, I was well prepared for an early ovulation. I was expecting CD12-13. CD10 & 11 I had nearly +OPK and all the signs the ovulation was rapidly approaching. DH and I had backed off to our every other day schedule and began using Pre~Seed to help the swimmers quantity and motility. By end of day on CD11, I was in SEVERE pain. CD12 arrived with no sign of LH on the OPK and the pain reduced to moderate. My temps stayed down. I had another weird symptom this cycle, CD10-16 there was pink spotting. I've never had that, but hoped it was ovulation spotting. CD17 & 18, I felt my body ramp back up to try for ovulation again. By end of day on CD18, the pain was back. I woke to elevated temps on CD19 along with my post-O symptoms that arrive with progesterone.

By CD19 we were no longer in BD mode and had switched back to the "normal" frequency and had stopped using Pre~Seed. So, I know the chances of conception are pretty low as the swimmers probably had a low count from "overuse". :)

The good news... the late O has lined things up for me to be on CD3 when I see the RE on Oct. 11th so we will be able to sneak in a medicated IUI cycle if the RE thinks we are good to go.

The bad news... I am depressed. It's mostly an infertility issue... trouble is I can't take anything for it because I wouldn't want to get pregnant while on medication. I should find a therapist...

Oh the joys of not being able to make a baby.

Did I mention how angry it makes me to see these young girls, sleeping around, smoking, doing who knows what and neglecting their offspring?