I've known that my November cycle was a bust for 5 days. . . but, of course, my LP was 17 days AGAIN. It's torture to know there isn't a baby growing and to have AF not show up. The mind starts playing tricks, "well, maybe you ARE pregnant. . . maybe the tests were wrong. . . ".
And then, AF finally shows up.
I have 20 vials of HMG Lepori (European generic for Menopur/Repronex) waiting. . . but I was praying and hoping I wouldn't have to use them. I honestly thought I had purchased them as a safeguard. . . I was wasting the money, but I was okay with that because a viable pregnancy was worth it.
So. . . knowing my cycle failed. . . having AF show up. . . has brought torrents of tears. I'm scared. Having the injections here and actually using them are two very different things. I'm a bit worried about giving them to myself (in my rear, no less) but I've had no issues giving myself the HCG injection, so I'm sure I will be fine.
I didn't know (until I researched more) that the menotropins are made from the urine of menopausal women. Strange isn't it that we use a hormone from women who are done with their childbearing years to trick our bodies into being more fertile.
My fear also involves what ifs. . . what if the injections work too well and I end up with too many eggs to continue with an IUI cycle? We can't afford to switch to IVF if that happens and this is our last ditch effort since we will be out of funds for the foreseeable future after this cycle. I also worry that if this cycle drags out too long, we will hit the point where our 50% copay comes back (Jan. 1). We've already hit our out of pocket maximum this year so for the December cycle our insurance will cover 100% (excluding the injections) until I reach our lifetime maximum for infertility. After this cycle, our insurance benefit will be maxed out and we have already exhausted our medical savings account. So, it'll be back to the drawing board to figure out what's next.
I wish I had the option to convert this cycle to IVF if the need arises. I don't know how much it would cost to convert at the point of retrieval (full cycle is $8,500 + meds). My insurance might cover $2,000-$2,500 (depending on what's left of our benefit). I'm guessing we'd still need to pay $5-7k for retrieval, fertilization, & transfer (more if ICSI is needed or if there are embryos to freeze). Sure, we *could* charge it, but we are in the middle of refinancing our house to buy our in-laws out and we are carrying two mortgages (until we can sell the other house) and we are trying hard to pay off debt (my husband, the teacher man, just realized that over the last 15 years he has paid $32,000 toward his students loans. . . his original loan balance was $28,000 and we still have a balance of $20,000. He doesn't qualify for the federal pay off program of $17,500 even though he's taught both special education AND worked in a poverty level low income school for 15 years, guess why? Because he graduated a year too early for the program, so his slightly younger co-teachers are debt free and we are still slaving away at it, but I digress). We also have one child who just started round one of braces and two more about to start.
What I'm getting at here. . . yes, we could *technically* charge the cost but it would be irresponsible to do so. I wish I could wave a magic wand and figure out how to materialize the needed $. We don't qualify for scholarship programs because each of us has biological kids (just none together).
Some say, "why don't you just adopt". I would, if it were that easy. . . we have numerous factors against us. First, the cost ($20-$30k). Secondly, we have five kids between us and previous marriages, so those are both strikes against us in the selection process. Third, my husband is over 40 now which is the age when parents become less desirable in the matching process. Fourth, I came from an extremely difficult childhood. . . I've found the home study process for foster care to be so emotional grueling that I don't know if I can weather any more. I put away all my old wounds and allowed them to scar over. . . the home study process is like slicing open those scars and letting things fester again. I need to be emotionally healthy for the children we have and the children I take care of every day. . . I can't go through a traumatic process that may cause me to slip into a depression or have trouble focusing on the day to day obligations and needs of the 12-16 kids I care for every day.
I am seriously considering foster care adoption (if I can get beyond this emotional trauma part). . . it won't cost us much or anything. But, I won't get a baby and while I will open my home to as many children as God sees fit, I need a baby. I want my children to bond from infancy. . . I want to breastfeed. . . I want to watch my husband snuggle our little one to sleep (having watched him with the babies in my childcare makes my heart ache).
I can say without a doubt that if someone handed me $20,000 and said "this is for adoption", we would find the baby that is waiting for us. My husband has already stated over and over that he doesn't feel it's financially responsible to seek out adoption until we've paid down debt. That's why I state we'd have to be given funds for that purpose only. . . as we all know, that will never happen. So, in the meantime, I sit in this twilight zone. This place where I can't get pregnant and almost don't believe I ever will.
I keep having dreams that I suddenly find myself pregnant at 40 or 50, when my youngest is in high school (she's almost 8 now) and it causes me to question being open to children forever. How would I react to the news that I was starting over after my children were almost grown and I was looking forward to grandparenting years? My conviction is that I will remain open to children as long as I'm living. . . obviously, nature will play it's hand in time and I will no longer have the option of conception. My husband, already 41, is on the fence about his age and having babies in the house. We keep reminding ourselves that God has a plan, which we can never know, and He knows better than us in all things.
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Where Do We Go From Here?
I'm 18dpo... no, I'm not pregnant, although it seems that I should be. We don't know why my LP (luteal phase) is lasting so long (as it has every cycle since the miscarriage except the cycle I used a trigger).
Part of me says go ahead and medicate one more cycle. . . what's it hurt. . . my insurance will cover my November and December cycles in full since I've met my annual out of pocket maximum and I haven't yet maxed out my (very limited) infertility coverage.
The other part of me says I need to let it go for a while. We know WHY we aren't conceiving (not sure if we have a successful implantation issue yet, but that's look like a possibility).
I've lost weight. I'm eating well (80-90% of the time grain free, always gluten free). I'm healthy. My Celiac is in remission (if there is such a thing- my intestines are currently healed so as long as I eat gluten free, I'm healthy).
My tubes are clear. My ovaries are producing eggs each cycle (quite successfully). I get wet (fertile) CM at least one day every cycle. My cervix is open (which means the swimmers can get in now).
I'm still not pregnant.
Here's the deal, although I'm not sure my very experienced, totally awesome, RE even gets it. Hubs swimmers get depleted. We need 60 hours (minimum)- 72 hours (optimum) between ejaculates in order to get good, healthy swimmers (30-60 mil/ml). Trouble is. . . hubs drive doesn't often accommodate that kind of spacing. I feel guilty for putting him off, leaving his needs unmet, etc. . . and I don't want to be the "s-x warden".
This cycle, we did fairly well. . . and I was praying it was enough. But the reality is, the weekend I ovulated, he was needy. . . so in all likelihood the couple of days before ovulation (when I was most fertile), he had very depleted counts (twice a day, people). We know that 12-36 hour breaks lead to counts that caused canceled cycles (>10mil/ml). This is natural, the human body takes 72 hours to fully mature sperm.
I'm starting to think we may never have a biological child. I can be okay with that but I want us to have a newborn. . . I'm okay with adopting a newborn but don't see how we could ever afford it. I'm still praying that our names will come up on the embryo adoption list as that may be the most cost effective route for us to go. Hubs is nervous about me going through the dangers of pregnancy for a child that isn't biologically ours. . . I'd prefer that to traditional adoption so that the children can be part of the pregnancy and I could breastfeed.
The reality is. . . if we had $15k, I'd opt for a cycle of IVF. Even though my faith says IVF is morally unacceptable, I think I would do it (easy to say when I know it's not a possibility). Or perhaps, I'd put that toward the $20K + needed for infant adoption and be assured we'd have a child at the end of the process (and that an unwanted child would have a very loving home).
I don't know.
What I do know is that on that weekend when we were suppose to be spacing BD to get good swimmers, I almost lost it in an emotional fit of tears when hubs was "pursuing" me. . . I wanted to cry and scream "we are suppose to be waiting!". . . but then, as if God spoke to me, I realized that my husband needed me and it was my duty to fulfill those needs. At that moment, I was able to put it in God's hands. . . this was a big step for me. I felt myself letting go. . I said, "if it's God's will, we will have a child, because it's going to take a miracle". I know without a doubt that it is going to take a miracle to create a child in my womb or to open our lives to infant adoption. I can't control things (as much as I wish I could).
I'm trying to take a step back from control. I stopped temping/charting this cycle once I confirmed ovulation. I waited patiently until AF was late before I took a test. This was not a medicated cycle (so was the only cycle I conceived in these last two years).
I feel like at this point, I know my body well. . . I know my cycles well. . . I've been perfectly charting all my fertility signs for two full years. . . we've had all the tests done that we can. . . all I need to figure out is out to get my hubs to slow down his drive during the week leading up to my fertile window. I'm seriously pondering not charting for a while. . . I know my cycle and can see my other fertility signs without actually charting. . . maybe that will take some of the pressure off? Of course, I worry that without confirming ovulation via temperature I will cause hubs to miss out on more BD days then necessary.
I also know that if finances weren't an issue. . . I would pursue further treatment and/or adoption. It sad to be up against a wall that you have no way to scale. My choices are significantly reduced because I cannot afford treatment or adoption.
There are those who say, "be happy with the family you have". I am, oh, how I am. I love my family. . . I love the children we have. And yet, part of me is missing. . . that connection with my husband, that closing of the circle of our children. . . that sharing of a common child, one that is "real" sibling to our children and "real" child to both of us. I feel a schism in our family, one that says "his" and "hers" instead of "ours". I feel that "our" baby would change the entire dynamic of our family. I want (desperately) that little one who I can look at and see my beloveds face. I fear that if I were to lose my husband (as we know life is fragile), I would be left without any part of him. . . I would lose "his" children to their bio-mom. I could only see his face in a photo album. This I fear most. I hunger for permanency and our child symbolizes that.
Part of me says go ahead and medicate one more cycle. . . what's it hurt. . . my insurance will cover my November and December cycles in full since I've met my annual out of pocket maximum and I haven't yet maxed out my (very limited) infertility coverage.
The other part of me says I need to let it go for a while. We know WHY we aren't conceiving (not sure if we have a successful implantation issue yet, but that's look like a possibility).
I've lost weight. I'm eating well (80-90% of the time grain free, always gluten free). I'm healthy. My Celiac is in remission (if there is such a thing- my intestines are currently healed so as long as I eat gluten free, I'm healthy).
My tubes are clear. My ovaries are producing eggs each cycle (quite successfully). I get wet (fertile) CM at least one day every cycle. My cervix is open (which means the swimmers can get in now).
I'm still not pregnant.
Here's the deal, although I'm not sure my very experienced, totally awesome, RE even gets it. Hubs swimmers get depleted. We need 60 hours (minimum)- 72 hours (optimum) between ejaculates in order to get good, healthy swimmers (30-60 mil/ml). Trouble is. . . hubs drive doesn't often accommodate that kind of spacing. I feel guilty for putting him off, leaving his needs unmet, etc. . . and I don't want to be the "s-x warden".
This cycle, we did fairly well. . . and I was praying it was enough. But the reality is, the weekend I ovulated, he was needy. . . so in all likelihood the couple of days before ovulation (when I was most fertile), he had very depleted counts (twice a day, people). We know that 12-36 hour breaks lead to counts that caused canceled cycles (>10mil/ml). This is natural, the human body takes 72 hours to fully mature sperm.
I'm starting to think we may never have a biological child. I can be okay with that but I want us to have a newborn. . . I'm okay with adopting a newborn but don't see how we could ever afford it. I'm still praying that our names will come up on the embryo adoption list as that may be the most cost effective route for us to go. Hubs is nervous about me going through the dangers of pregnancy for a child that isn't biologically ours. . . I'd prefer that to traditional adoption so that the children can be part of the pregnancy and I could breastfeed.
The reality is. . . if we had $15k, I'd opt for a cycle of IVF. Even though my faith says IVF is morally unacceptable, I think I would do it (easy to say when I know it's not a possibility). Or perhaps, I'd put that toward the $20K + needed for infant adoption and be assured we'd have a child at the end of the process (and that an unwanted child would have a very loving home).
I don't know.
What I do know is that on that weekend when we were suppose to be spacing BD to get good swimmers, I almost lost it in an emotional fit of tears when hubs was "pursuing" me. . . I wanted to cry and scream "we are suppose to be waiting!". . . but then, as if God spoke to me, I realized that my husband needed me and it was my duty to fulfill those needs. At that moment, I was able to put it in God's hands. . . this was a big step for me. I felt myself letting go. . I said, "if it's God's will, we will have a child, because it's going to take a miracle". I know without a doubt that it is going to take a miracle to create a child in my womb or to open our lives to infant adoption. I can't control things (as much as I wish I could).
I'm trying to take a step back from control. I stopped temping/charting this cycle once I confirmed ovulation. I waited patiently until AF was late before I took a test. This was not a medicated cycle (so was the only cycle I conceived in these last two years).
I feel like at this point, I know my body well. . . I know my cycles well. . . I've been perfectly charting all my fertility signs for two full years. . . we've had all the tests done that we can. . . all I need to figure out is out to get my hubs to slow down his drive during the week leading up to my fertile window. I'm seriously pondering not charting for a while. . . I know my cycle and can see my other fertility signs without actually charting. . . maybe that will take some of the pressure off? Of course, I worry that without confirming ovulation via temperature I will cause hubs to miss out on more BD days then necessary.
I also know that if finances weren't an issue. . . I would pursue further treatment and/or adoption. It sad to be up against a wall that you have no way to scale. My choices are significantly reduced because I cannot afford treatment or adoption.
There are those who say, "be happy with the family you have". I am, oh, how I am. I love my family. . . I love the children we have. And yet, part of me is missing. . . that connection with my husband, that closing of the circle of our children. . . that sharing of a common child, one that is "real" sibling to our children and "real" child to both of us. I feel a schism in our family, one that says "his" and "hers" instead of "ours". I feel that "our" baby would change the entire dynamic of our family. I want (desperately) that little one who I can look at and see my beloveds face. I fear that if I were to lose my husband (as we know life is fragile), I would be left without any part of him. . . I would lose "his" children to their bio-mom. I could only see his face in a photo album. This I fear most. I hunger for permanency and our child symbolizes that.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Cycle 4 Marches On... Hormones & Moods
Today is CD7 and I took my last dose of Clomid (150mg) today. My Pregnyl will arrive Friday. Monday (CD12), we go back to the clinic for a scan which will decide whether we trigger that day or wait a bit longer.
I've been a hormonal, emotional mess... it seems to get worse with each cycle (build up of medications?) and with the addition of HCG last cycle. I'm weepy... for the last week or so of my cycle I couldn't have a rational conversation... everything was overwhelming.
Anyway... time marches on... funds are dwindling. I'm pretty sure this is our last cycle for a while. I'll know more once the cycle is finished and I can look at the remaining funds. Either way, we will be taking a treatment break soon while we regroup and save. I feel like October will be the earliest we could tackle a fertility cycle again.
I'm really feeling the call to foster parenting. DD isn't convinced yet... but I think we may start tackling certification soon. Perhaps, my love for children is the very reason we haven't conceived... perhaps, God's plan is for us to love the orphans. I'm good with that.
I've been a hormonal, emotional mess... it seems to get worse with each cycle (build up of medications?) and with the addition of HCG last cycle. I'm weepy... for the last week or so of my cycle I couldn't have a rational conversation... everything was overwhelming.
Anyway... time marches on... funds are dwindling. I'm pretty sure this is our last cycle for a while. I'll know more once the cycle is finished and I can look at the remaining funds. Either way, we will be taking a treatment break soon while we regroup and save. I feel like October will be the earliest we could tackle a fertility cycle again.
I'm really feeling the call to foster parenting. DD isn't convinced yet... but I think we may start tackling certification soon. Perhaps, my love for children is the very reason we haven't conceived... perhaps, God's plan is for us to love the orphans. I'm good with that.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Cycle 2- FAIL
Today officially marks the end to cycle 2... AF showed up.
I knew we were out of this cycle two days ago when my BBT dropped almost a full degree. I was surprised AF didn't show yesterday but what I've noticed with medicated cycles is that my progesterone is good (19.6 cycle 1, 23.4 cycle 2)... while I don't know what my progesterone was on non-medicated cycles, I'm assuming that my slightly longer LP is due to the progesterone taking a bit longer to get out of my system since it's a nice, high value at 7dpo.
My progesterone draw on CD22, confirmed my ovulation for CD15 (day of u/s scan) and we didn't IUI until CD16 because scan on CD15 showed one big follicle at 26mm and the LH surge showed on my OPK later that morning... we were assuming O was going to be the NEXT day. However, I woke up on CD16 to an elevated BBT indicating O had occurred already and our IUI wasn't scheduled until 10:30AM.
We went ahead with the IUI... I was praying that the combination of my cervix still being slightly open (IUI cath could PAINFULLY pass through without breaking scar tissue this time) and BD on CD13 PM, combined with IUI on CD16 that we still had a chance...
Amazingly, I've been much calmer this cycle (even calmer than the last cycle). A combination of acupuncture, a plan, and expecting it to NOT work... ? I didn't even really cry this time, although I had a few moments of self pity.
My surgery is scheduled for Dec. 22. Dr. A will go in an remove all the endometriosis implants (including any on my bladder and bowel), flush my tubes to make sure they are clear (and remove blockages if possible), and fully dilate my cervix to break up all the scar tissue keeping it closed.
I'm a bit apprehensive about surgery... but at the same time, I'm looking forward to it. Prayerfully, we will get an all clear afterward and be able to conceive (naturally, even?) OR we will at least have a name as to what is wrong with me. I'm pretty confident that if Dr. A comes back with a poor prognosis, we won't be able to even consider IVF (due to finances among other concerns)... so at that point, I will have to close the book on pregnancy and start exploring foster/adoption (which is likely in our future whether we conceive or not).
I knew we were out of this cycle two days ago when my BBT dropped almost a full degree. I was surprised AF didn't show yesterday but what I've noticed with medicated cycles is that my progesterone is good (19.6 cycle 1, 23.4 cycle 2)... while I don't know what my progesterone was on non-medicated cycles, I'm assuming that my slightly longer LP is due to the progesterone taking a bit longer to get out of my system since it's a nice, high value at 7dpo.
My progesterone draw on CD22, confirmed my ovulation for CD15 (day of u/s scan) and we didn't IUI until CD16 because scan on CD15 showed one big follicle at 26mm and the LH surge showed on my OPK later that morning... we were assuming O was going to be the NEXT day. However, I woke up on CD16 to an elevated BBT indicating O had occurred already and our IUI wasn't scheduled until 10:30AM.
We went ahead with the IUI... I was praying that the combination of my cervix still being slightly open (IUI cath could PAINFULLY pass through without breaking scar tissue this time) and BD on CD13 PM, combined with IUI on CD16 that we still had a chance...
Amazingly, I've been much calmer this cycle (even calmer than the last cycle). A combination of acupuncture, a plan, and expecting it to NOT work... ? I didn't even really cry this time, although I had a few moments of self pity.
My surgery is scheduled for Dec. 22. Dr. A will go in an remove all the endometriosis implants (including any on my bladder and bowel), flush my tubes to make sure they are clear (and remove blockages if possible), and fully dilate my cervix to break up all the scar tissue keeping it closed.
I'm a bit apprehensive about surgery... but at the same time, I'm looking forward to it. Prayerfully, we will get an all clear afterward and be able to conceive (naturally, even?) OR we will at least have a name as to what is wrong with me. I'm pretty confident that if Dr. A comes back with a poor prognosis, we won't be able to even consider IVF (due to finances among other concerns)... so at that point, I will have to close the book on pregnancy and start exploring foster/adoption (which is likely in our future whether we conceive or not).
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