UGH.

I've known that my November cycle was a bust for 5 days. . . but, of course, my LP was 17 days AGAIN.  It's torture to know there isn't a baby growing and to have AF not show up.  The mind starts playing tricks, "well, maybe you ARE pregnant. . . maybe the tests were wrong. . . ".

And then, AF finally shows up.

I have 20 vials of HMG Lepori (European generic for Menopur/Repronex) waiting. . . but I was praying and hoping I wouldn't have to use them.  I honestly thought I had purchased them as a safeguard. . . I was wasting the money, but I was okay with that because a viable pregnancy was worth it.

So. . . knowing my cycle failed. . . having AF show up. . . has brought torrents of tears.  I'm scared.  Having the injections here and actually using them are two very different things.  I'm a bit worried about giving them to myself (in my rear, no less) but I've had no issues giving myself the HCG injection, so I'm sure I will be fine. 

I didn't know (until I researched more) that the menotropins are made from the urine of menopausal women.  Strange isn't it that we use a hormone from women who are done with their childbearing years to trick our bodies into being more fertile. 

My fear also involves what ifs. . . what if the injections work too well and I end up with too many eggs to continue with an IUI cycle?  We can't afford to switch to IVF if that happens and this is our last ditch effort since we will be out of funds for the foreseeable future after this cycle.  I also worry that if this cycle drags out too long, we will hit the point where our 50% copay comes back (Jan. 1).  We've already hit our out of pocket maximum this year so for the December cycle our insurance will cover 100% (excluding the injections) until I reach our lifetime maximum for infertility.  After this cycle, our insurance benefit will be maxed out and we have already exhausted our medical savings account.  So, it'll be back to the drawing board to figure out what's next.

I wish I had the option to convert this cycle to IVF if the need arises.  I don't know how much it would cost to convert at the point of retrieval (full cycle is $8,500 + meds).  My insurance might cover $2,000-$2,500 (depending on what's left of our benefit).  I'm guessing we'd still need to pay $5-7k for retrieval, fertilization, & transfer (more if ICSI is needed or if there are embryos to freeze).  Sure, we *could* charge it, but we are in the middle of refinancing our house to buy our in-laws out and we are carrying two mortgages (until we can sell the other house) and we are trying hard to pay off debt (my husband, the teacher man, just realized that over the last 15 years he has paid $32,000 toward his students loans. . . his original loan balance was $28,000 and we still have a balance of $20,000.  He doesn't qualify for the federal pay off program of $17,500 even though he's taught both special education AND worked in a poverty level low income school for 15 years, guess why?  Because he graduated a year too early for the program, so his slightly younger co-teachers are debt free and we are still slaving away at it, but I digress).  We also have one child who just started round one of braces and two more about to start.

What I'm getting at here. . . yes, we could *technically* charge the cost but it would be irresponsible to do so.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and figure out how to materialize the needed $.  We don't qualify for scholarship programs because each of us has biological kids (just none together).

Some say, "why don't you just adopt".  I would, if it were that easy. . . we have numerous factors against us.  First, the cost ($20-$30k).  Secondly, we have five kids between us and previous marriages, so those are both strikes against us in the selection process.  Third, my husband is over 40 now which is the age when parents become less desirable in the matching process.  Fourth, I came from an extremely difficult childhood. . . I've found the home study process for foster care to be so emotional grueling that I don't know if I can weather any more.  I put away all my old wounds and allowed them to scar over. . . the home study process is like slicing open those scars and letting things fester again.  I need to be emotionally healthy for the children we have and the children I take care of every day. . . I can't go through a traumatic process that may cause me to slip into a depression or have trouble focusing on the day to day obligations and needs of the 12-16 kids I care for every day.

I am seriously considering foster care adoption (if I can get beyond this emotional trauma part). . . it won't cost us much or anything.  But, I won't get a baby and while I will open my home to as many children as God sees fit, I need a baby.  I want my children to bond from infancy. . . I want to breastfeed. . . I want to watch my husband snuggle our little one to sleep (having watched him with the babies in my childcare makes my heart ache). 

I can say without a doubt that if someone handed me $20,000 and said "this is for adoption", we would find the baby that is waiting for us.  My husband has already stated over and over that he doesn't feel it's financially responsible to seek out adoption until we've paid down debt.  That's why I state we'd have to be given funds for that purpose only. . . as we all know, that will never happen.  So, in the meantime, I sit in this twilight zone. This place where I can't get pregnant and almost don't believe I ever will.

I keep having dreams that I suddenly find myself pregnant at 40 or 50, when my youngest is in high school (she's almost 8 now) and it causes me to question being open to children forever.  How would I react to the news that I was starting over after my children were almost grown and I was looking forward to grandparenting years?  My conviction is that I will remain open to children as long as I'm living. . . obviously, nature will play it's hand in time and I will no longer have the option of conception.  My husband, already 41, is on the fence about his age and having babies in the house.  We keep reminding ourselves that God has a plan, which we can never know, and He knows better than us in all things.