Suck Suck Suck

Beginning cycle scan today revealed. . . (drum roll please). .  a huge CYST on my right ovary.  No No NO!

What this means-

We have only the month of December to get this show on the road because as of January 1, my insurance benefits will be exhausted and we cannot afford to continue on our own at this time.

At first, my RE was all "we'll let you cycle on your own next time and then start the injections, blah blah blah". With tears in my eyes I informed him that would mean we are out for the time being as we can't keep going after the first of the year due to financial constraints.

So, the plan now is to take BCPs for 2-3 weeks.  I return on the 9th for another scan and we are hoping that the cyst will be gone.  Our other option is to aspirate the cyst with a needle inserted through my vaginal wall.  Dr Awesome informed me that he doesn't like doing that but since "you are hardy" he would feel comfortable doing it.  We didn't go straight for that because there is a risk of infection and the BCP could work.  As long as we are ready to start injections around the 16th, we should have enough time to get the monitoring and IUI in before year end.  *Fingers crossed and praying like a mad woman*.

I left the clinic with my tail between my legs and my boxes of injections in my hands.  There was no lesson in giving the injections or baggie of syringes to go with. . . I'm praying these injections don't end up going to waste, it's not like we have the option of returning them.

I also received some other wonderful news today, I'm too old for shared IVF (where some other lucky lady would receive half my eggs in return for help with the cost of the cycle) and we have no apparent reason to not be pregnant yet as we are both now textbook "fertile".  24 cycles people. . . even at my "advanced maternal age of nearly 35" that's not normal.  What's the statistic?  Something like 85% of women "my age" conceive within two years.

In other news.  I feel like I'm not allowed to be sad about our sub fertile status or mourn the baby we lost. . . because we have children.  Yes, we have children.  I have three and I am eternally grateful for them.  Hubs has two and we are eternally grateful for them.  This doesn't change the fact that I want a child with my husband.  I fear losing my husband and not having our child to see him in (irrational, maybe).  I am finally married to the man God intended for me.  My life is pulled together.  We are happy, moderately successful, and at least have enough money to make ends meet (and pay for things like orthodontia).  It is incredibly unfair that we cannot have a child.  I look around me and see all kinds of girls and women in bad situations having babies and laughing "don't drink the water!".

Am I greedy to desire this child?  I don't think so.  When I look into my amazing daughters faces, I see myself but I also see the man who hurt me in too many ways to count.  I know I can't erase that (nor would I if it meant sacrificing those girls!), but I want to look into my child's face and know it was born of love. . .