UGH.

I've known that my November cycle was a bust for 5 days. . . but, of course, my LP was 17 days AGAIN.  It's torture to know there isn't a baby growing and to have AF not show up.  The mind starts playing tricks, "well, maybe you ARE pregnant. . . maybe the tests were wrong. . . ".

And then, AF finally shows up.

I have 20 vials of HMG Lepori (European generic for Menopur/Repronex) waiting. . . but I was praying and hoping I wouldn't have to use them.  I honestly thought I had purchased them as a safeguard. . . I was wasting the money, but I was okay with that because a viable pregnancy was worth it.

So. . . knowing my cycle failed. . . having AF show up. . . has brought torrents of tears.  I'm scared.  Having the injections here and actually using them are two very different things.  I'm a bit worried about giving them to myself (in my rear, no less) but I've had no issues giving myself the HCG injection, so I'm sure I will be fine. 

I didn't know (until I researched more) that the menotropins are made from the urine of menopausal women.  Strange isn't it that we use a hormone from women who are done with their childbearing years to trick our bodies into being more fertile. 

My fear also involves what ifs. . . what if the injections work too well and I end up with too many eggs to continue with an IUI cycle?  We can't afford to switch to IVF if that happens and this is our last ditch effort since we will be out of funds for the foreseeable future after this cycle.  I also worry that if this cycle drags out too long, we will hit the point where our 50% copay comes back (Jan. 1).  We've already hit our out of pocket maximum this year so for the December cycle our insurance will cover 100% (excluding the injections) until I reach our lifetime maximum for infertility.  After this cycle, our insurance benefit will be maxed out and we have already exhausted our medical savings account.  So, it'll be back to the drawing board to figure out what's next.

I wish I had the option to convert this cycle to IVF if the need arises.  I don't know how much it would cost to convert at the point of retrieval (full cycle is $8,500 + meds).  My insurance might cover $2,000-$2,500 (depending on what's left of our benefit).  I'm guessing we'd still need to pay $5-7k for retrieval, fertilization, & transfer (more if ICSI is needed or if there are embryos to freeze).  Sure, we *could* charge it, but we are in the middle of refinancing our house to buy our in-laws out and we are carrying two mortgages (until we can sell the other house) and we are trying hard to pay off debt (my husband, the teacher man, just realized that over the last 15 years he has paid $32,000 toward his students loans. . . his original loan balance was $28,000 and we still have a balance of $20,000.  He doesn't qualify for the federal pay off program of $17,500 even though he's taught both special education AND worked in a poverty level low income school for 15 years, guess why?  Because he graduated a year too early for the program, so his slightly younger co-teachers are debt free and we are still slaving away at it, but I digress).  We also have one child who just started round one of braces and two more about to start.

What I'm getting at here. . . yes, we could *technically* charge the cost but it would be irresponsible to do so.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and figure out how to materialize the needed $.  We don't qualify for scholarship programs because each of us has biological kids (just none together).

Some say, "why don't you just adopt".  I would, if it were that easy. . . we have numerous factors against us.  First, the cost ($20-$30k).  Secondly, we have five kids between us and previous marriages, so those are both strikes against us in the selection process.  Third, my husband is over 40 now which is the age when parents become less desirable in the matching process.  Fourth, I came from an extremely difficult childhood. . . I've found the home study process for foster care to be so emotional grueling that I don't know if I can weather any more.  I put away all my old wounds and allowed them to scar over. . . the home study process is like slicing open those scars and letting things fester again.  I need to be emotionally healthy for the children we have and the children I take care of every day. . . I can't go through a traumatic process that may cause me to slip into a depression or have trouble focusing on the day to day obligations and needs of the 12-16 kids I care for every day.

I am seriously considering foster care adoption (if I can get beyond this emotional trauma part). . . it won't cost us much or anything.  But, I won't get a baby and while I will open my home to as many children as God sees fit, I need a baby.  I want my children to bond from infancy. . . I want to breastfeed. . . I want to watch my husband snuggle our little one to sleep (having watched him with the babies in my childcare makes my heart ache). 

I can say without a doubt that if someone handed me $20,000 and said "this is for adoption", we would find the baby that is waiting for us.  My husband has already stated over and over that he doesn't feel it's financially responsible to seek out adoption until we've paid down debt.  That's why I state we'd have to be given funds for that purpose only. . . as we all know, that will never happen.  So, in the meantime, I sit in this twilight zone. This place where I can't get pregnant and almost don't believe I ever will.

I keep having dreams that I suddenly find myself pregnant at 40 or 50, when my youngest is in high school (she's almost 8 now) and it causes me to question being open to children forever.  How would I react to the news that I was starting over after my children were almost grown and I was looking forward to grandparenting years?  My conviction is that I will remain open to children as long as I'm living. . . obviously, nature will play it's hand in time and I will no longer have the option of conception.  My husband, already 41, is on the fence about his age and having babies in the house.  We keep reminding ourselves that God has a plan, which we can never know, and He knows better than us in all things. 

What's Next?

Our "rest" cycle ended on Saturday with the arrival of AF. Oh the joys. I did O, it looks like CD16 with a positive OPK on CD15. Things get confusing because I had a big temp rise on CD14, dip on CD15 and it rose again on CD16. My LP seems to confirm a CD16 O. So, there it is.

Despite great timing of the baby dance, the use of Pre~Seed and Guaifenesin we had no luck. 16 cycles down without even the faintest of a positive pee stick.

I was really tempted to take another rest cycle. . . in fact, I waffled all the way up until I picked up my clomid prescription at 7pm tonight (CD3 and day 1 of clomid). I decided I would take clomid CD3-7 (150mg), have a scan on CD12 and do a trigger shot. Then we will do timed intercourse and pray for the best. This cycle will only cost about $500 (which insurance will cover half of) since we are having 1 scan instead of 2 and no IUI/sperm prep. Typical cycles have been running $1200 + meds.

We have an IVF consult scheduled for May 2nd. This is a "what if?" appointment. . . it's not a set in stone this is what we are doing thing. I'm still not sure we can afford it (or justify the cost if we decide we have the cash), and I'm not sure I'm morally willing to go there.

We are also on the wait list for donor embryos. This is a pretty cost effective option at our clinic. There are no legal fees (embryos are surrendered to the clinic for adoption). It costs $3800 + meds for one cycle (vs. $8850 + meds for one stimulation cycle). The problem is that the wait list is long (two+ years). For us, it's good that the wait list is long as hubs isn't sure he is on board with the idea. I figure if we still haven't conceived by the time our names come up on the list, he will probably be much more open to the idea. And once we've been given embryos, we don't have to transfer right away. . . we can wait for a while and even pass up the chance to the next couple if we decide against it.

So, that's where we are at. I honestly cannot believe that we aren't pregnant yet. Last Easter, we were a few months into our TTC journey and I was convinced we would have a wonderful Easter surprise. Instead, AF visited. Here we are a year later with the same outcome. This infertility journey has lasted longer than my first round (baby #1 took 12 cycles). Granted, I was a dozen years younger and the only apparent issue was anovulation. Now we have a whole host of "issues". Awesome.

Cycle 4 FAIL ... Time to Rest

Cycle 4 came to a screeching halt this past Thursday. I already knew we weren't pregnant, but like every infertile, I was holding out hope until AF showed.

To add insult to injury... DD and I were at a marriage conference at a beautiful resort this weekend. I had "my friend" the entire weekend... UGH. AND every single session of the conference, no matter where we sat in the ballroom... I was surrounded by pregnant women.

I'm happy for these women... I really am. I don't know a single thing about their stories. Did they conceive the first month of trying after spending their entire adulthood avoiding pregnancy? Did they struggle with infertility? Were they "surprised" by this pregnancy? Wanted, unwanted, planned, unplanned, 1st baby or 12th?... they all have what I long for. I feel guilty for being jealous of their pregnant state.

Sometimes, I feel unjustified in my hurt over infertility. I did bring 3 beautiful children into this world and I gained 2 more via marriage to Devoted Daddy. I am the Mama to 5 kiddos... I will always be insanely busy... I will never have to make the choice to "live child free"... I fit in during the parenting sessions of the conference... I'm an infertile with a full nest.

And I'm still incredibly sad. I long for a child that I can look at and not see my ex or DD's ex... a child that I can look at and see the reflection of this man I love above all else. This man who is my glorious gift after so many years of destruction and heartbreak. I long for a child that will provide all of our children with a joint sibling... a child that will "close the circle" between His and Hers. I would desire these things even if I didn't absolutely adore children... if I didn't love the feeling of being pregnant (even though I was violently ill every time)... if I didn't believe that children are a blessing...

Devoted Daddy is convinced that we will have a baby together in time... I'm losing hope. I know that God is real... and that He is good. I also know that we live in a fallen world where bad things happen. Maybe God's plan for us is to love the orphans... to foster and adopt children that are unwanted... maybe God's plan is that I need to learn patience and that things don't come in my timing...

Or maybe, we just have the rotten luck of faulty plumbing. I've put my reproductive organs through all kinds of trauma since my first bout of (resolved) infertility.

In other news, I asked to be added to our clinic's embryo adoption program. The wait is long (two years or more) because there are many waiting families and not many embryos available. DD and I know that enlarging our family via embryo adoption would mean that the resulting child(ren) would not be of our DNA, but we would be granting life to a child suspended in time... and we would love that child(ren) with every fiber of our being. The irony is... we can go through a FET with adopted embryos for $3800 whereas a round of IVF would cost us $8850 + $2-3,000 in meds.

On my mind... IVF. It was something I wasn't sure I'd ever seriously consider. BUT, here we are... four failed cycles later. We are resting for at least this cycle, maybe two depending on finances. I've crunched the numbers... we have about $2500 left in insurance benefits and on October 1 our FSA account starts over. We could increase that to the maximum which is $5,000 (annually). This would enable us to have $7500 toward the $8850 cost of IVF in October (two months prior to my dreaded 35th birthday). IF (and it's a big IF) we can save the remaining $1350 and start rounding up the medications... maybe, just maybe... we could give it a go. If round one doesn't work BUT we have embryos remaining, we could wait a couple months and pay $1250 for a FET.

I know without a doubt, that even if we conceived triplets on IVF #1, we'd have to proceed with FET of any remaining embryos at the earliest possible time. I cannot allow the start of life to stay indefinitely suspended in time or be destroyed. We'd have to give every embryo (no matter the quality) a shot at life. Our only other option would be embryo adoption... but I think I'm one of those women that is attached to my eggs and would have a great sense of loss over allowing them to be raised in another family... and if none became children, I'd wonder if they would have had a different outcome if I had chosen to transfer them... Because I'm crazy like that. :-)

I have a prescription here for 10 vials (75iu) of Menopur + 15 clomid pills + 10,000iu of Pregnyl. I can buy the Menopur cheaply via IVFMEDS.com for $187.50, this is about a fourth of the cost of an American pharmacy. My clinic recommends the generic HMG and even gave me the order form, so I am comfortable using it.

However, I have to make a decision... try Menopur + clomid + HCG (in April or May) with IUI and potentially waste another $1500... or wait and save... and pray and hope...

Either way... I'm taking March off. Who knows, maybe we will get lucky on our own. I started the OPK today (First Response Daily), I like that this kit watches (and remembers) my personal levels of LH to detect my surge... since I have a short (and possibly weak) surge this is a good thing. I'm also diligently tracking my BBT, cervix position and CM. By taking March off, I can skip the day 3 ultrasound at my clinic and shave $470 off the next cycle. My RE only requires baselines in back to back medicated cycles.

Our next cycle will consist of a call on CD1 to let them know my new cycle started... clomid days 3-7, Menopur (if we decide to use it) CD7-12+, a monitoring scan on CD12 followed by a trigger (if my eggs are ready to go). Technically, this could be a tad cheaper than my previous cycles because of skipping the baseline scan... but if my scan on CD12 reveals follicles that aren't ready to trigger, I could end up with another scan (or two) before we can trigger.

Honestly, if money weren't a factor right now... I'd be forging ahead into the next cycle as we speak.