What's Next?

Our "rest" cycle ended on Saturday with the arrival of AF. Oh the joys. I did O, it looks like CD16 with a positive OPK on CD15. Things get confusing because I had a big temp rise on CD14, dip on CD15 and it rose again on CD16. My LP seems to confirm a CD16 O. So, there it is.

Despite great timing of the baby dance, the use of Pre~Seed and Guaifenesin we had no luck. 16 cycles down without even the faintest of a positive pee stick.

I was really tempted to take another rest cycle. . . in fact, I waffled all the way up until I picked up my clomid prescription at 7pm tonight (CD3 and day 1 of clomid). I decided I would take clomid CD3-7 (150mg), have a scan on CD12 and do a trigger shot. Then we will do timed intercourse and pray for the best. This cycle will only cost about $500 (which insurance will cover half of) since we are having 1 scan instead of 2 and no IUI/sperm prep. Typical cycles have been running $1200 + meds.

We have an IVF consult scheduled for May 2nd. This is a "what if?" appointment. . . it's not a set in stone this is what we are doing thing. I'm still not sure we can afford it (or justify the cost if we decide we have the cash), and I'm not sure I'm morally willing to go there.

We are also on the wait list for donor embryos. This is a pretty cost effective option at our clinic. There are no legal fees (embryos are surrendered to the clinic for adoption). It costs $3800 + meds for one cycle (vs. $8850 + meds for one stimulation cycle). The problem is that the wait list is long (two+ years). For us, it's good that the wait list is long as hubs isn't sure he is on board with the idea. I figure if we still haven't conceived by the time our names come up on the list, he will probably be much more open to the idea. And once we've been given embryos, we don't have to transfer right away. . . we can wait for a while and even pass up the chance to the next couple if we decide against it.

So, that's where we are at. I honestly cannot believe that we aren't pregnant yet. Last Easter, we were a few months into our TTC journey and I was convinced we would have a wonderful Easter surprise. Instead, AF visited. Here we are a year later with the same outcome. This infertility journey has lasted longer than my first round (baby #1 took 12 cycles). Granted, I was a dozen years younger and the only apparent issue was anovulation. Now we have a whole host of "issues". Awesome.

It's a GO

Today is CD12. Scan revealed 3 nice follicles. There is a 27mm biggie on the right and two on the left at 18 & 21mm. We came home and DD gave me the trigger shot. I think the shot stings a bit* but is really no big deal... (keep in mind, I'm one of the tough girls... high pain threshold).

Dr. Awesome asked me before the scan which ovary I thought was going... I said, both... my right and left have both been giving me pain but that yesterday my left out stepped my right a bit on the tenderness scale. After looking, he said "you sure know your ovaries".

He then went on to joke about triplets. How it'd be a walk in the park with all my other help at home... I could just lounge in my silk bed and let the older kids hold babies and bring them to me for nursing rotation. :-) I then added in how my body likes to keep my babies in forever so they'd come out nice and big... Dr. A said, yep 9 pounders around! Haha... as if.

I'm not too worried about getting triplets although I know there's a chance... but I've had 3 follicles before and didn't get even one to fertilize.

This is it... I'm feeling good. I feel really positive about this cycle. I know that in a couple days the HCG will kick in and I'll start to feel pregnant and my emotions will be all over the place, but for today, I feel positive. 1, 2, or 3... we will be thrilled and deal with whatever. DD may have a stroke, but we will get through. :-)

IUI at 9:45 AM tomorrow, 2/21/12. Praying like a mad woman! (BTW, we've been good at spacing BD so that we have a good swimmer count... BD on CD10, IUI on CD13, then BD at will).

*DD just disclosed to me that the reason my belly fat is feeling a bit stingy and bruised is because he {oops} pulled the syringe out at an angle and it kind of popped out... think needle dragging sideways instead of going straight in and out. Hmmmm... that explains the discomfort. Praying we don't have to get better at giving shots.

Keep in mind, this is the man that was worried about stabbing my intestines "or something"... my snorted response was "have you seen my belly fat?". It's just a little bruise people. Nothing to get excited about.

Oh, and the gas has started. Is it just me... right before ovulation I get GASSY. Not stinky like... just a lot of bloat and pressure and gas like a tire leak... I'm just saying...

Cycle 4 Marches On... Hormones & Moods

Today is CD7 and I took my last dose of Clomid (150mg) today. My Pregnyl will arrive Friday. Monday (CD12), we go back to the clinic for a scan which will decide whether we trigger that day or wait a bit longer.

I've been a hormonal, emotional mess... it seems to get worse with each cycle (build up of medications?) and with the addition of HCG last cycle. I'm weepy... for the last week or so of my cycle I couldn't have a rational conversation... everything was overwhelming.

Anyway... time marches on... funds are dwindling. I'm pretty sure this is our last cycle for a while. I'll know more once the cycle is finished and I can look at the remaining funds. Either way, we will be taking a treatment break soon while we regroup and save. I feel like October will be the earliest we could tackle a fertility cycle again.

I'm really feeling the call to foster parenting. DD isn't convinced yet... but I think we may start tackling certification soon. Perhaps, my love for children is the very reason we haven't conceived... perhaps, God's plan is for us to love the orphans. I'm good with that.

Cycle 4 Begins

Today is CD1... the start of our next cycle. We are going with the same routine as last cycle... baseline scan on CD3, clomid CD3-7, monitoring scan on CD12, Pregnyl 10,000 trigger injection when follicles are big and happy, followed by IUI 24 hours later.

The good news... we took in Devoted Daddy's swimmers for a check up on Monday, everything looks spiffy and we are good to go for this cycle... we just know that the 3 day abstinence is a MUST.

I'm still going for weekly acupuncture... I feel like I am getting more relaxed during treatment... almost like a heaviness over me, but I'm still semi-aware. Today, I didn't open my eyes at all during the treatment but I do remember sounds around me. It was a nice feeling.

I must say... the HCG trigger gave me some interesting PMS symptoms. My new cycle started 18 days post trigger (17 days post O)... so, my LP was longer than normal (could this be due to the higher progesterone with multiple follicles?). My ability to cope was limited the last few days to week... it's just not a good time to have a serious conversation with me. My sense of smell was heightened to an almost ridiculous level. I was tired... all the time.

I tested out the HCG shot on CD4 and CD5 with a digital test (I had freebies from my ovulation packs here). CD4 proclaimed "pregnant" (when I knew otherwise, evil device!)... CD5 was correct with "not pregnant". I tested again at CD11 and CD12 with First Response Early Tests... just in case we managed a miracle despite our low swimmer count... they were both negative, of course. When my LP reached 16 days, I was hopeful that I was in for a late positive... but my temp had dropped so I knew better.

Part of me wants to go on fertility vacation... quit worrying about it for a while. The practical part of me knows that I'm much to OCD and would still stalk my chart and obsess over the possibility... so it wouldn't be a break... it would just be no assistance.

That said... I'm surrounded by pregnant women lately. What's up with that??? Torture or signs of things to come... or just plain dumb luck...

Cycle 3- Cancelled

Yesterday, CD12, I went in for an ultrasound. I had two nice follicles at 18 & 24 mm. We triggered at the clinic with an HCG injection.

This morning, I took the specimen in... two hours later we were back waiting for IUI... but the count was much too low... we didn't have enough swimmers for IUI.

So... here I sit. With engorged, painful ovaries waiting for ovulation... knowing that unless God throws us a miracle this will be a wasted cycle (and the most expensive one so far with the extra monitoring and injection).

I feel defeated.

And We March On...

Every single month AF arrives and I go into mourning. Seriously. It's like a death each time I discover I am not expecting YET AGAIN. We've technically been on this infertility journey for 15 cycles now... my baby will be 7 in a weeks time... I haven't conceived in 7 years, 9 months...

To make matters worse... I had to go baby gift shopping for my husbands coworker. I am happy for each and every new baby that arrives, don't get me wrong. But it's a horrible thing to spend hours shopping for baby gifts as you've started bleeding and discovered that there is not a baby in your near future.

And the money... ugh... life is so unfair when some of us have to spend a fortune to conceive a child. We are quickly going to run out of funds and have to stop treatments for an unknown amount of time.

I know I'm blessed... I conceived 5 times and gave birth to three beautiful children during my early-mid 20's. I am so incredibly grateful for these amazing children... and I gained two more via marriage... I have five amazing kiddos. But none of that changes the pain of infertility. It's funny... this bout has been much harder on me emotionally than the first time around... when I was a young (and yes, naive) 21 year old. Back then, I don't think it ever really crossed my mind that I might not be able to conceive and carry a child to term...

I've had my post-op appt. Dr. Awesome confirmed that we are good to go with cycle #3. The plan this time is a bit different since we missed ovulation and had IUI the morning after last cycle.

I will have a monitoring ultrasound on CD12... and an HCG trigger shot... then we will schedule IUI. There is a chance that I will have to go back in every 2-3 days to monitor if my follicles aren't looking promising on CD12, but it's better than risking another cycle fail due to timing. My body just doesn't cooperate with the OPK's (due to the PCOS?).

We are praying that a baby is in our near future... I have almost a whole set of FLIP diapers tucked away in my drawer now... I had a theory that if I bought them a couple at a time, I wouldn't have a big expense all at once. Great theory, but I was counting on actually getting to use the diapers. :-)