Life After Infertility

It's official. . . I'm 12.2 weeks with our one surviving bambino.  Last week, I was released to the OB and had another ultrasound.  Baby looks beautiful.

Looking back at these last 12 weeks (and 2 years, really). . . it has been an emotional roller coaster from HELL.  When I got that double line, I so wanted to be happy but I was cautious.  I knew from our history that a positive didn't mean a stick baby.  Three BETAs later, with numbers rising at better than doubling rate, I started relaxing a bit.  Then the ultrasounds started. . . you have three!  Oh, wait, two have heartbeats but maybe only one is viable.  Oh. . . two look beautiful.  Two still looking good.  Oh. . . now there's one.  Ugh. . . I've spent the weeks since in this state of fear. . . when will my last baby be gone.  It's like waiting for the inevitable to happen.  Thankfully, it looks like we've avoided that and still have a strong baby growing inside.  I've rounded the corner into "safety" but I know there are still so many things that could go wrong.  Even so, I'm starting to act like we will have a baby at the end of this.

I'm still struggling with enormous grief over the loss of our twin.  I don't know if it's the compound loss of 3 out of 4 babies we've conceived in the last year, or if it was because that baby was healthy and looked like it would make it and then, suddenly, was gone.  Whatever the reasons, I think I will always mourn that baby.  We saw the cutest little B/G twins at the library the other night and I lost it.

There are a couple of moms in my life after infertility forum that are expecting twins around the time I am due. . . I am happy for them, their babies are growing strong. . . they don't have to go through the turmoil that I am, loss while still expecting. . . loss that no one understands.  But reading their updates is getting very very difficult for me.  I'm so sad and heartsick over our lost babies.

I'm trying to focus on that beautiful little baby we saw on the ultrasound last week.  Kicking it's little legs around.  We could see little eyes, nose, mouth. . . best of all, we could see it's little heart beating away.  I'm praying for this baby, and the souls of the ones we've lost.  I'm trying to refocus my planning from multiple babies to a singleton.  I'm trying to not think too far into the future when we try for a close in age sibling (there will be almost 9 years between this baby and our youngest child).  I'm already joking with hubs that maybe we should start the adoption process after baby is born. . . I don't know if I can go through this roller coaster of infertility/loss/pregnancy again!

Here's a picture of our happy little bean at 11.2 weeks.

It's a GO

Today is CD12. Scan revealed 3 nice follicles. There is a 27mm biggie on the right and two on the left at 18 & 21mm. We came home and DD gave me the trigger shot. I think the shot stings a bit* but is really no big deal... (keep in mind, I'm one of the tough girls... high pain threshold).

Dr. Awesome asked me before the scan which ovary I thought was going... I said, both... my right and left have both been giving me pain but that yesterday my left out stepped my right a bit on the tenderness scale. After looking, he said "you sure know your ovaries".

He then went on to joke about triplets. How it'd be a walk in the park with all my other help at home... I could just lounge in my silk bed and let the older kids hold babies and bring them to me for nursing rotation. :-) I then added in how my body likes to keep my babies in forever so they'd come out nice and big... Dr. A said, yep 9 pounders around! Haha... as if.

I'm not too worried about getting triplets although I know there's a chance... but I've had 3 follicles before and didn't get even one to fertilize.

This is it... I'm feeling good. I feel really positive about this cycle. I know that in a couple days the HCG will kick in and I'll start to feel pregnant and my emotions will be all over the place, but for today, I feel positive. 1, 2, or 3... we will be thrilled and deal with whatever. DD may have a stroke, but we will get through. :-)

IUI at 9:45 AM tomorrow, 2/21/12. Praying like a mad woman! (BTW, we've been good at spacing BD so that we have a good swimmer count... BD on CD10, IUI on CD13, then BD at will).

*DD just disclosed to me that the reason my belly fat is feeling a bit stingy and bruised is because he {oops} pulled the syringe out at an angle and it kind of popped out... think needle dragging sideways instead of going straight in and out. Hmmmm... that explains the discomfort. Praying we don't have to get better at giving shots.

Keep in mind, this is the man that was worried about stabbing my intestines "or something"... my snorted response was "have you seen my belly fat?". It's just a little bruise people. Nothing to get excited about.

Oh, and the gas has started. Is it just me... right before ovulation I get GASSY. Not stinky like... just a lot of bloat and pressure and gas like a tire leak... I'm just saying...