Calming the Baby Tide

I spent the last two years trying to regulate my cycle and return to an ovulatory pattern. I spent the first 3 months of the year charting, ensuring BD happened on the correct days, and assuming we'd be pregnant quickly... after all, I was ovulating which was my previous cause of infertility. We'd both spawned/birthed children previously despite some obstacles.

I spent the next 7 months fretting over why I wasn't pregnant yet... what else was wrong. Then the SA came back low... VERY low... so I blamed it on that. Two weeks later the SA came back normal (after a 60 hour abstinence). So, we decided maybe it was too frequent BD draining the supply.

While waiting three months to see the RE, we spaced out BD a bit, taking breaks during my fertile window while still getting enough action to ensure adequate swimmers. We used PreSeed (messy). Still nothing... not even a hint of a line on a stick...

Honestly, I knew deep in my mind that pregnancy won't be easy to achieve... now or ever. It wasn't a dozen years ago, why would it be now? I haven't conceived in 7.5 years, and there has been plenty of drama "down there" since that pregnancy and delivery. I just wanted it to be easy this time...

Strangely enough... now that we are on a plan, I feel better. I also think a part of me is just assuming it isn't going to work so my hopes aren't as high. I want it to work... and I will be an emotional wreck if it does (or doesn't), but I feel like that's one of those far reaching dreams that just may not be.

I've calmed down over the last 5 weeks... AF wasn't even emotional for me this past cycle (normally I'm a mess). I like having a plan. I like not having to stress about when we should (or shouldn't) BD. Now I have phases- 1. AF & baseline ultrasound 2. medication 3. POAS 4. IUI 5. progesterone draw 6. AF or BETA. This helps my OCD mind function. I'm sure after a few cycles of this, it will lose it's calming affect.

As things stand, this will be our last round before a couple month break. During that break, I will likely have my cervix dilated to remove the scar tissue and possibly have surgery to remove the endometriosis. After surgery, we are undecided about waiting for a few months and seeing if it happens on its own or continuing on with a couple more IUI's.

I want to say that I will do whatever it takes to have another child... to have a child with my amazing husband. But the reality is, I don't know how we could ever afford IVF... even if we managed to save the money for a round, how could we justify it with all the other expenses of raising our family (and trying to get out of debt).

For now, we are between medication and POAS phases. Sunday starts the OPK's (CD10). We will take BD breaks on CD12-until IUI (likely CD14). We will still use PreSeed on CD10 & 11 and following IUI. Last round, we had a 3 day BD break but the total swimmer count was lower than the previous 2 day break so I don't think it's going to change our numbers much. The counts were still good and motility was good.

Stress... AND Shingles?

I have shingles.

Related to TTC? Who knows. Generally, shingles can happen to anyone who has had chicken pox... the virus (varicella zoster) lays dormant in your body forever more and can be activated by STRESS.

It's incredibly painful... and I feel generally ill. I'm taking antivirals and using lidoderm pain patches over the rash. Putting the patches on is horrifically painful, but after about 10 minutes the pain improves. I can only leave the patches on for 12 hours so I've been going without at night. Funny, I'm not having difficulty sleeping... and I can lay on the side of the rash. It seems the steady pressure is bearable, but light friction is NOT. But, I do wake up VERY sore and don't want to move...

Evidently I can continue TTC... I'm right at the start of a new cycle and I'll be done with antivirals a week before ovulation. That said, the antivirals are considered safe during pregnancy (category B). I don't like to take even a Tylenol while I'm pregnant, so I'm glad the medicine will be done beforehand.

Yesterday I had my baseline ultrasound (CD3). I have a total of 16 anterior follicles. My uterus is clean and ready to go. I started clomid (150mg) yesterday, we are hoping 2-3 of those follies will mature and ovulate like they did last cycle. (It's great to know that my body starts with a good number of follicles, if we have to move onto IVF we know that injectables will mature all 16 of those follies.)

I'll begin using Clearblue OPK's on CD10, we are anticipating a CD14 ovulation again... which means IUI on Turkey Day! I'm still BBT charting, I like to confirm ovulation and watch for the length of my LP (and any variations). My temps are running a bit high due to the shingles virus AND clomid, so I may stop temping until CD8 (after clomid is done).

And that's about if for the next 10 days or so...

ART Fail...

I had myself convinced that we would be lucky... that one round at the fertility clinic and $1,000 would solve our baby making woes...

I even took it a step further... I had THREE beautiful, ripe follies so why not plan for triplets (or twins at least).

I'm just saying...

The reality is... no matter how many sticks I pee on... this round was a FAIL. And I hate that. I wanted this to be simple. I wanted it to be "oh, let's just get around this roadblock in your cervix and you'll be knocked up in no time".

I know, statistically speaking, this may work for us in the first 2-4 attempts. It took four ovulatory, well timed cycles to conceive baby girl number one and I was a dozen years younger (after many, many unsuccessful anovulatory cycles). So, why would I really think that the first go at this would work?

I've never been fertile. Yes, I have been blessed with birthing three beautiful daughters. I haven't conceived again in seven years... two of my three children required fertility assistance and I was in my early 20's. I've had surgeries and numerous gyn issues crop up in the last few years... so, why on earth would I think it'd be easy now?

Pulling myself together... moving on. Next cycle starts today...

Most Severe Pain EVER... and bad news.

Yesterday, midday, I started experiencing what I thought at first was indigestion or intestinal distress. It started as a burning sensation in my abdomen. After a bit it seemed to improve so I loaded 12 kids into the van for an outing... about 15 minutes into our drive I began experiencing such severe pain that I couldn't drive. Devoted Daddy had to leave work (it's grading time and therefore a very busy time for him) to drive me home and help with the kids until their parents picked up. I lay on the couch, curled in a fetal position with a heating pad pressed to my belly.

Dr. Awesome thinks I have a cyst (which is more common when you take fertility meds like clomid)... advised that I take Percocet and rest, call if it worsens, and come into the office in the morning for an ultrasound.

I don't take pain meds... so it took several hours of pain and two calls to the Dr. before I took a pain pill... then I slept. When I woke at 4am, the pain meds had worn off and I was in excruciating pain so I took another one, waited for it to kick in and set my alarm for 7:15 to call the clinic once they were open (thankfully my fertility clinic is open 7 mornings a week).

The good news is that I don't have a cyst... everything looks beautifully normal inside. The bad news is we don't have any clue what is causing the pain... Dr. thinks its likely severe endometreosis given my history.

In other news... I had a beta blood test as part of my work up today... it was negative. At 10dpo it should have shown at least mildly positive if we were pregnant.

I'm really struggling... I had three eggs and perfectly timed IUI and nothing took... what does that mean? Is there a blockage in my fallopian tubes? Could my ovaries be bound with adhesion that are preventing the eggs to enter my tubes? Are we wasting $1000 each cycle trying with IUI... should I stop and have the laparoscopy to figure out what is causing this pain and how its relating to my infertility before proceeding with more rounds of treatment?

IUI Successful... On to the 2WW.

At 7PM yesterday I got a positive OPK and another one at 10PM, so we took the swimmers into the RE's office first thing this morning for washing and preparation. Devoted Daddy and I returned at 9am for an ultrasound and IUI.

The ultrasound showed that my endometrium was PERFECT! 11.6mm on CD14. YAY! It also revealed 3 BEAUTIFUL FOLLIES! The follicles measured 25, 26, & 29 mm with two on my right ovary and one on my left. Dr. Awesome said they should rupture within hours.

The IUI itself wasn't a walk in the park... these things are suppose to be easy but due to the scarring on my cervix (cervical stenosis) from previous surgeries, my cervix wasn't open and Dr. Awesome had to dilate and push through the scar tissue. Needless to say, that was a very painful experience. My biggest fear was that the scar tissue would be too significant and Dr. Awesome would say we had to move on to IVF... which I don't think we could ever afford.

We had 27 million MOTILE swimmers placed at the top of my uterus near the fallopian tubes to lie in weight for those eggs. Devoted Daddy says he's blaming me if we get triplets. :-)

I'm home now... with normal activity level, but I do have spotting and cramping. Dr. Awesome said I could expect to feel like AF was coming but that it won't.

On to phase 3... progesterone draw in 7 days. Dr. Awesome said that with three rupturing follicles I can expect a higher level of progesterone this month.

Then, 14 days from today I can POAS. If the test is a BFP, I'll go in for Beta Blood to assess HCG levels. If it's BFN, I'll wait for AF and go in for an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries have recovered enough to start clomid again. If it's BFN but AF doesn't show... we will do a blood test.

I have no clue what the chances of being pregnant this cycle are... but I'm praying for at least one sticky baby out of this! In the meantime, I'll keep charting and see how my temperature reacts to all that progesterone.

Having a Plan

I've felt better since we attended our Fertility Center appointment and met extensively with the wonderful staff there. I like having a plan... blame it on my OCD tendencies if you like.

I wasn't distraught when AF showed up after 37 days because I already knew I wasn't pregnant... I had a corpus luteum cyst that continued to produce progesterone (and some nasty symptoms). Since I was armed with knowledge, I was eager for AF so I could start on The PLAN.

I completed phase one of the plan on CD7 (Oct. 19th) with the completion of five days of 150mg clomid. I didn't experience any crazy side effects... just a few hot flashes (okay, more than a few) and I was a bit more fatigued (it was harder to get up in the mornings, but when isn't it?).

Today I am on CD12. I started using Clear Blue Easy OPK sticks on Saturday. No line to speak of yet but I am feeling more Pre-O like.

So now I'm testing and waiting... when I get the go (a test line that is almost as dark as the reference line but not quite positive), I'll call the clinic and get scheduled for first thing the following morning.

Other than the fact that I hate waiting (I'm an instant gratification person)... this is a good plan. It feels nice to have a plan.

Fertility Center Appointment and What's Next

This morning was our first appointment with the fertility center... I feel like things went well and instead of being sad (as I usually am when I discover I'm not pregnant), I feel empowered. Now, we finally have a plan of action (and I'm an action girl).

So... I am on day 36 of this cycle. That's 18dpo since I ovulated on CD18. By all signs, that should mean I am pregnant. But I'm not... I took FIVE HPT (3 different brands). At my appointment this morning, we did a blood draw for pregnancy as well (they are also checking for rubella immunity and progesterone levels). When the results come back this afternoon, we will know that's its okay to proceed with our "plan".

It looks like I have a fabulous corpus luteum cyst. That means I ovulated like I should have... the corpus luteum produced progesterone like it should have... but instead of going away after my LP, it hung around still producing progesterone. Awesome. The progesterone level will confirm this.

Now we will down regulate for two weeks (which will squash the cyst and get menses started), then start clomid on CD3-7. I will begin using OVUKIT (Clear Plan Easy) to detect the very beginning of my LH surge. When I see that first faint line, I will call the clinic and prepare to come in bright and early the next morning for IUI, swimmers in hand. :-)

In other news... when I got home from the RE, I noticed a tinsy bit of spotting has started... this could mean that AF will show up on her own, likely tomorrow. If that's the case we will shave two weeks off for the down-regulating.

Dr. agrees that a laparoscopy may be needed, given my past and increasing pain issues... BUT that those issues may not be affecting my ability to conceive. We know that I have a damaged cervix that is not producing happy cervical fluids which combined with slightly slow swimmers is our main issue. If we aren't pregnant after 3-4 medicated IUI cycles then we will dig a little deeper.