Infertility Sucks

I haven't had a proper drink in nearly two years. . .

When I have pain, I have to evaluate where I am in my cycle to determine if I can take ibuprofen. . .

Every time AF shows up I'm a weepy mess. . .

Everyone around me is pregnant. . . including teenagers who have no business having sex. . .

My maternity clothes are being worn by other women. . .

Before having sex, we must figure out where I am in my cycle and decide if we've had the appropriate length of a "break" since the last time we had sex (for sperm count). . .

My entire life revolves around a thermometer, pills, injections, charts, Doctors, ultrasounds, & vials of freshly collected semen with a short life span. .  .

Who knew ovaries could be so painful. . .

Many of the infertiles I've been following have graduated to pregnancy or finalized adoption. . . 

Money. . .

Moral dilemmas. . .

Choosing the sacrifice of NOT pursuing IVF. .  . (when part of me is screaming, a baby at any cost!).

Today I'm 17dpo.  I had FIVE beautiful, ripe follicles 17 days ago.  Today, I got a negative which means not one of those eggs met up with the swimmers.

AF will show any day.   On to another cycle.  Praying this one won't be wrought with disappointment. 

Nice Eggs. . . er. . . Follicles.

My infertile OCD kicked into overdrive yesterday. . . I went in for at scan (CD14) because I wasn't seeing movement on my fertility monitor and I was getting antsy.

The good (great?) news is that I do, in fact, have FIVE follicles ripening up that should ovulate in the next day or two. . . My left is sporting two (24.5mm & 13.4mm) while my right has three (18.5mm, 15.3mm, & 13.9mm).  The best response I've had previously (that we know of, I haven't had a scan every cycle).  S (Dr. Awesome's assistant) said that all five will likely ovulate but all five probably won't be mature enough to fertilize due to the smaller follicle size. 

Waiting. . .

That's the story of my life. . . waiting for ovulation. . . the two week wait. . . waiting for AF. . . waiting to finally get a BFP.

Today, I'm cd11.  My Clearblue fertility monitor says I'm at "high" fertility. . . I'm expecting a "peak" reading within a few days.

Poor hubs has been deprived for the last 72 hours. . . tonight he gets lucky.  Today is our best shot at getting good quality swimmers where they need to be to lie in wait for the egg(s).  From tonight we will wait another 60 hours and repeat as needed until ovulation is confirmed.

I took clomid 150mg again this cycle, but I forgot (how do you forget?) to pick up my prescription on CD3 when I was suppose to start so I took it CD4-8 this cycle.   I had to go in for a monitoring scan at the beginning of this cycle or I couldn't medicate.  I decided it was worth the $450 this time as I wasn't willing to wait.  The good news is that I had at least 15 antral follicles between my ovaries and Dr. Awesome assured me that my time is not running out (despite turning 35 later this year).

In other news, I haven't lost any more weight. . . I find myself slipping into a plateau because I'm at a weight/size that I am okay with (even if I don't love it). . . I'm trying to restart hardcore today. . . I've had a lot of slips since our camping trip at the beginning of July. . . time to get back on track!  I'm convinced that the removal of sugar and grains helped us conceive in our miscarriage cycle, so I'm praying and hoping that helps again soon!

One of Those Days

This morning, I ran into a girl who worked out at they gym in the wee hours of the morning. . . I haven't been going to the gym since the miscarriage.  She happily asks, "Did you get your wish yet?". . .  I replied "no".  Then she beams and says, "I did!". 

She's 8 weeks pregnant. . . due two weeks after I would have been.  I realized as I stood there that I should be 10 weeks pregnant today. . . instead, I tested negative again today at 17dpo and discontinued my progesterone so that AF can show up.

I'm a mess.  When does this start getting easier?  When do I accept that I may never get to have a baby with my husband?

16dpo and Progesterone Hang Over

Ugh. . . I hate the waiting game.  These darn medicated cycles drag out longer and longer.  We learned last cycle, when I conceived that a home test at 15dpo was negative and at 18dpo it was positive. . . was this because it wasn't a viable pregnancy, or is that how my body rolls?  Who knows. . . so I have to wait out until 18dpo this round on progesterone.  If I test negative then, I can stop the progesterone and wait for my next cycle to start.

Trouble is. . . I feel like crap.  I have a killer migraine.  I'm so darn tired.  This could be the progesterone. . . who knows.  I've taken two tests, at 14dpo and 15dpo.  I skipped today. . . maybe I'll test tomorrow.  I went by the Dollar Tree and picked up 7 of the Assured tests.  I used these in my conception cycle along with First Response Early Detection (the most sensitive on the market).  The Assured Dollar Tree test also showed positive when my HCG was only 18 and continued to show it when my HCG dropped over the next couple of days.  This tells me they are super sensitive and why waste the big bucks? (The First Response also showed positive.)

I have to decide if I want to shell out the $450 to have a base line scan once AF does show up. . . if so, then I can have another medicated cycle (oh the joys!).  If not, we do nothing and see. . . of course, we conceived on the non-medicated cycle but my progesterone was low and that bambino didn't stick. . . so who knows.

I asked if I can skip the baseline scan and just go ahead with clomid again. . . I know my body so well, I'd know if I have a cyst (ovulation nearly makes me cry. . . seriously).  They said no because they recently had one lady who tested negative. . . had what looked like AF. . . came in for her baseline scan only to find out she was actually pregnant.  I guess better safe than sorry is the story here, right?

Cycling On. . .

Today I am 7dpo.  I'm pretty sure that I released multiple eggs this round as both ovaries were swollen and painful and the ovulation pain/pressure spanned over three days.  Since we are trying with only minor involvement right now I didn't have a scan.  I've been tempted to find a reason to go in for one just to see how many CL's are on  my ovaries now.  Not that it will make any difference. . . but my brain likes to know.

I started progesterone suppositories at 3dpo.  I'm miserably sick, but unsure if that is related to progesterone or maybe I have a bug?  Pretty sure it's too early to be pregnancy symptoms.  (Although the over active part of my brain says if I was pregnant with multiples then maybe it wouldn't be too early. . . and I had a good temp dip yesterday which is when I started feeling sick).

Once again this cycle I didn't get a + OPK.  My body is tricky like that.  I have to spend a fortune and test 3-4x each day if I hope to catch my surge.  Guess I'm one of the small percentage that OPK's are not accurate for.  Maybe I should start using a fern scope again since my CM and OPKs are not reliable indicators. . .

Looks like IVF is off the books. . . I had formulated a plan to possibly pay for one cycle later this year.  However, we've just found out our 10 yo must start orthodontia to the tune of $7,600.  She's scheduled for October when our FSA reloads.   That will deplete our FSA and that is the only way we can afford to pay for IVF.  Ortho for the kid we have trumps trying to conceive the baby of our dreams. 

I napped this afternoon because I'm feeling so crummy. .  . I had strange dreams.  In one, I was pregnant and violently ill (like I have been in all my pregnancies to date).  All I could get down was salt.  So, I sliced up carrots and zucchini into thin strips and dosing them with olive oil and sea salt.  Then I'd bake them up like chips.  I lived on those and kale chips and homemade lemonade with honey. . .  In my dream I was trying to convince myself that I needed protein but I could only manage to eat a bit of scrambled eggs in butter or almonds every now and then.

Early Miscarriage and Moving On

No one warned me that a miscarriage at 5 1/2 weeks would be quite so nasty.  I assumed (and no one told me differently) that it would be similar to a late menses. .  I expected heavier bleeding than I would have with a normal 28-30 day non conception cycle.  I did not expect the amount of tissue and clotting that happened (thankfully mostly all at once).  It is quite an emotional experience to be sitting in the bathroom and find globs of what you know should be a baby growing inside your belly. .  . enough said.

I've shed a few tears. .  .but I'm trying to remember that there is nothing we can change about losing this pregnancy and I'm grateful the loss was so early (instead of the 9 week ultrasound my friend just had which revealed no heartbeat or the 21 week umbilical cord separation that another friend suffered a few years ago).   If I hadn't broken down and taken a test (because, duh, I was 18dpo and every RE on the planet says- "18dpo and temps are still up, you are pregnant" unless of course you aren't and just have an awesome progesterone producing cyst) I wouldn't have even known I was actually, finally, pregnant.

But I digress.

We are moving in. . . because we have no other choice.  My RE encouraged us to try for 2-3 cycles on our own (possibly with ovulation help) since he felt so confident about my weight loss/dietary changes and the impact that would have on my fertility.  Evidently he was right. . . the combination did allow us to conceive, finally.  Prayerfully, we will conceive again quickly and have a sticky baby.

Because my progesterone was so low this time (6.28), we are taking clomid on CD5-9 (normally I take clomid CD3-7 but we had to wait for my final beta hcg, so today it is).  I'm taking 150mg as usual.  We will not be using a trigger, just timing intercourse well.  I'm suppose to use an ovulation predictor kit to help make sure that happens.  What I learned last cycle is that spacing BD did make a big difference. . . so darling hubs will be getting his groove on only every 2-3 days until ovulation is confirmed since we know daily BD depletes the swimmers.  This last cycle we got BD in 16x's in 32 days (which is still a lot) vs. our normal 30+ times.  And it's the first cycle we managed to get swimmer and egg together. . . 'nuff said.

Once ovulation is confirmed, I will be starting progesterone suppositories (half 100mg 2x daily) until negative beta. . . if we get a positive, then I will continue the progesterone for at least 12 weeks.

In the past when my progesterone has been checked at 7dpo, it's been decent (15-20) on medicated cycles. .  we haven't tested it in unmedicated cycles but my luteal phase and temps have been pretty good which normally is an indicator of happy progesterone.

We won't be attempting anymore treatment until at least October when our FSA resets and at this time we are still up in the air as to whether it'll be more IUI with injectables or onto IVF.  IVF is a hard one for me given what I believe about creation of life. .  .but it's amazing what we can convince ourselves to do in order to have a child.  I'm praying we won't have to make that decision.