That's the story of my life. . . waiting for ovulation. . . the two week wait. . . waiting for AF. . . waiting to finally get a BFP.
Today, I'm cd11. My Clearblue fertility monitor says I'm at "high" fertility. . . I'm expecting a "peak" reading within a few days.
Poor hubs has been deprived for the last 72 hours. . . tonight he gets lucky. Today is our best shot at getting good quality swimmers where they need to be to lie in wait for the egg(s). From tonight we will wait another 60 hours and repeat as needed until ovulation is confirmed.
I took clomid 150mg again this cycle, but I forgot (how do you forget?) to pick up my prescription on CD3 when I was suppose to start so I took it CD4-8 this cycle. I had to go in for a monitoring scan at the beginning of this cycle or I couldn't medicate. I decided it was worth the $450 this time as I wasn't willing to wait. The good news is that I had at least 15 antral follicles between my ovaries and Dr. Awesome assured me that my time is not running out (despite turning 35 later this year).
In other news, I haven't lost any more weight. . . I find myself slipping into a plateau because I'm at a weight/size that I am okay with (even if I don't love it). . . I'm trying to restart hardcore today. . . I've had a lot of slips since our camping trip at the beginning of July. . . time to get back on track! I'm convinced that the removal of sugar and grains helped us conceive in our miscarriage cycle, so I'm praying and hoping that helps again soon!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
One of Those Days
This morning, I ran into a girl who worked out at they gym in the wee hours of the morning. . . I haven't been going to the gym since the miscarriage. She happily asks, "Did you get your wish yet?". . . I replied "no". Then she beams and says, "I did!".
She's 8 weeks pregnant. . . due two weeks after I would have been. I realized as I stood there that I should be 10 weeks pregnant today. . . instead, I tested negative again today at 17dpo and discontinued my progesterone so that AF can show up.
I'm a mess. When does this start getting easier? When do I accept that I may never get to have a baby with my husband?
She's 8 weeks pregnant. . . due two weeks after I would have been. I realized as I stood there that I should be 10 weeks pregnant today. . . instead, I tested negative again today at 17dpo and discontinued my progesterone so that AF can show up.
I'm a mess. When does this start getting easier? When do I accept that I may never get to have a baby with my husband?
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
16dpo and Progesterone Hang Over
Ugh. . . I hate the waiting game. These darn medicated cycles drag out longer and longer. We learned last cycle, when I conceived that a home test at 15dpo was negative and at 18dpo it was positive. . . was this because it wasn't a viable pregnancy, or is that how my body rolls? Who knows. . . so I have to wait out until 18dpo this round on progesterone. If I test negative then, I can stop the progesterone and wait for my next cycle to start.
Trouble is. . . I feel like crap. I have a killer migraine. I'm so darn tired. This could be the progesterone. . . who knows. I've taken two tests, at 14dpo and 15dpo. I skipped today. . . maybe I'll test tomorrow. I went by the Dollar Tree and picked up 7 of the Assured tests. I used these in my conception cycle along with First Response Early Detection (the most sensitive on the market). The Assured Dollar Tree test also showed positive when my HCG was only 18 and continued to show it when my HCG dropped over the next couple of days. This tells me they are super sensitive and why waste the big bucks? (The First Response also showed positive.)
I have to decide if I want to shell out the $450 to have a base line scan once AF does show up. . . if so, then I can have another medicated cycle (oh the joys!). If not, we do nothing and see. . . of course, we conceived on the non-medicated cycle but my progesterone was low and that bambino didn't stick. . . so who knows.
I asked if I can skip the baseline scan and just go ahead with clomid again. . . I know my body so well, I'd know if I have a cyst (ovulation nearly makes me cry. . . seriously). They said no because they recently had one lady who tested negative. . . had what looked like AF. . . came in for her baseline scan only to find out she was actually pregnant. I guess better safe than sorry is the story here, right?
Trouble is. . . I feel like crap. I have a killer migraine. I'm so darn tired. This could be the progesterone. . . who knows. I've taken two tests, at 14dpo and 15dpo. I skipped today. . . maybe I'll test tomorrow. I went by the Dollar Tree and picked up 7 of the Assured tests. I used these in my conception cycle along with First Response Early Detection (the most sensitive on the market). The Assured Dollar Tree test also showed positive when my HCG was only 18 and continued to show it when my HCG dropped over the next couple of days. This tells me they are super sensitive and why waste the big bucks? (The First Response also showed positive.)
I have to decide if I want to shell out the $450 to have a base line scan once AF does show up. . . if so, then I can have another medicated cycle (oh the joys!). If not, we do nothing and see. . . of course, we conceived on the non-medicated cycle but my progesterone was low and that bambino didn't stick. . . so who knows.
I asked if I can skip the baseline scan and just go ahead with clomid again. . . I know my body so well, I'd know if I have a cyst (ovulation nearly makes me cry. . . seriously). They said no because they recently had one lady who tested negative. . . had what looked like AF. . . came in for her baseline scan only to find out she was actually pregnant. I guess better safe than sorry is the story here, right?
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Cycling On. . .
Today I am 7dpo. I'm pretty sure that I released multiple eggs this round as both ovaries were swollen and painful and the ovulation pain/pressure spanned over three days. Since we are trying with only minor involvement right now I didn't have a scan. I've been tempted to find a reason to go in for one just to see how many CL's are on my ovaries now. Not that it will make any difference. . . but my brain likes to know.
I started progesterone suppositories at 3dpo. I'm miserably sick, but unsure if that is related to progesterone or maybe I have a bug? Pretty sure it's too early to be pregnancy symptoms. (Although the over active part of my brain says if I was pregnant with multiples then maybe it wouldn't be too early. . . and I had a good temp dip yesterday which is when I started feeling sick).
Once again this cycle I didn't get a + OPK. My body is tricky like that. I have to spend a fortune and test 3-4x each day if I hope to catch my surge. Guess I'm one of the small percentage that OPK's are not accurate for. Maybe I should start using a fern scope again since my CM and OPKs are not reliable indicators. . .
Looks like IVF is off the books. . . I had formulated a plan to possibly pay for one cycle later this year. However, we've just found out our 10 yo must start orthodontia to the tune of $7,600. She's scheduled for October when our FSA reloads. That will deplete our FSA and that is the only way we can afford to pay for IVF. Ortho for the kid we have trumps trying to conceive the baby of our dreams.
I napped this afternoon because I'm feeling so crummy. . . I had strange dreams. In one, I was pregnant and violently ill (like I have been in all my pregnancies to date). All I could get down was salt. So, I sliced up carrots and zucchini into thin strips and dosing them with olive oil and sea salt. Then I'd bake them up like chips. I lived on those and kale chips and homemade lemonade with honey. . . In my dream I was trying to convince myself that I needed protein but I could only manage to eat a bit of scrambled eggs in butter or almonds every now and then.
I started progesterone suppositories at 3dpo. I'm miserably sick, but unsure if that is related to progesterone or maybe I have a bug? Pretty sure it's too early to be pregnancy symptoms. (Although the over active part of my brain says if I was pregnant with multiples then maybe it wouldn't be too early. . . and I had a good temp dip yesterday which is when I started feeling sick).
Once again this cycle I didn't get a + OPK. My body is tricky like that. I have to spend a fortune and test 3-4x each day if I hope to catch my surge. Guess I'm one of the small percentage that OPK's are not accurate for. Maybe I should start using a fern scope again since my CM and OPKs are not reliable indicators. . .
Looks like IVF is off the books. . . I had formulated a plan to possibly pay for one cycle later this year. However, we've just found out our 10 yo must start orthodontia to the tune of $7,600. She's scheduled for October when our FSA reloads. That will deplete our FSA and that is the only way we can afford to pay for IVF. Ortho for the kid we have trumps trying to conceive the baby of our dreams.
I napped this afternoon because I'm feeling so crummy. . . I had strange dreams. In one, I was pregnant and violently ill (like I have been in all my pregnancies to date). All I could get down was salt. So, I sliced up carrots and zucchini into thin strips and dosing them with olive oil and sea salt. Then I'd bake them up like chips. I lived on those and kale chips and homemade lemonade with honey. . . In my dream I was trying to convince myself that I needed protein but I could only manage to eat a bit of scrambled eggs in butter or almonds every now and then.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Early Miscarriage and Moving On
No one warned me that a miscarriage at 5 1/2 weeks would be quite so nasty. I assumed (and no one told me differently) that it would be similar to a late menses. . I expected heavier bleeding than I would have with a normal 28-30 day non conception cycle. I did not expect the amount of tissue and clotting that happened (thankfully mostly all at once). It is quite an emotional experience to be sitting in the bathroom and find globs of what you know should be a baby growing inside your belly. . . enough said.
I've shed a few tears. . .but I'm trying to remember that there is nothing we can change about losing this pregnancy and I'm grateful the loss was so early (instead of the 9 week ultrasound my friend just had which revealed no heartbeat or the 21 week umbilical cord separation that another friend suffered a few years ago). If I hadn't broken down and taken a test (because, duh, I was 18dpo and every RE on the planet says- "18dpo and temps are still up, you are pregnant" unless of course you aren't and just have an awesome progesterone producing cyst) I wouldn't have even known I was actually, finally, pregnant.
But I digress.
We are moving in. . . because we have no other choice. My RE encouraged us to try for 2-3 cycles on our own (possibly with ovulation help) since he felt so confident about my weight loss/dietary changes and the impact that would have on my fertility. Evidently he was right. . . the combination did allow us to conceive, finally. Prayerfully, we will conceive again quickly and have a sticky baby.
Because my progesterone was so low this time (6.28), we are taking clomid on CD5-9 (normally I take clomid CD3-7 but we had to wait for my final beta hcg, so today it is). I'm taking 150mg as usual. We will not be using a trigger, just timing intercourse well. I'm suppose to use an ovulation predictor kit to help make sure that happens. What I learned last cycle is that spacing BD did make a big difference. . . so darling hubs will be getting his groove on only every 2-3 days until ovulation is confirmed since we know daily BD depletes the swimmers. This last cycle we got BD in 16x's in 32 days (which is still a lot) vs. our normal 30+ times. And it's the first cycle we managed to get swimmer and egg together. . . 'nuff said.
Once ovulation is confirmed, I will be starting progesterone suppositories (half 100mg 2x daily) until negative beta. . . if we get a positive, then I will continue the progesterone for at least 12 weeks.
In the past when my progesterone has been checked at 7dpo, it's been decent (15-20) on medicated cycles. . we haven't tested it in unmedicated cycles but my luteal phase and temps have been pretty good which normally is an indicator of happy progesterone.
We won't be attempting anymore treatment until at least October when our FSA resets and at this time we are still up in the air as to whether it'll be more IUI with injectables or onto IVF. IVF is a hard one for me given what I believe about creation of life. . .but it's amazing what we can convince ourselves to do in order to have a child. I'm praying we won't have to make that decision.
I've shed a few tears. . .but I'm trying to remember that there is nothing we can change about losing this pregnancy and I'm grateful the loss was so early (instead of the 9 week ultrasound my friend just had which revealed no heartbeat or the 21 week umbilical cord separation that another friend suffered a few years ago). If I hadn't broken down and taken a test (because, duh, I was 18dpo and every RE on the planet says- "18dpo and temps are still up, you are pregnant" unless of course you aren't and just have an awesome progesterone producing cyst) I wouldn't have even known I was actually, finally, pregnant.
But I digress.
We are moving in. . . because we have no other choice. My RE encouraged us to try for 2-3 cycles on our own (possibly with ovulation help) since he felt so confident about my weight loss/dietary changes and the impact that would have on my fertility. Evidently he was right. . . the combination did allow us to conceive, finally. Prayerfully, we will conceive again quickly and have a sticky baby.
Because my progesterone was so low this time (6.28), we are taking clomid on CD5-9 (normally I take clomid CD3-7 but we had to wait for my final beta hcg, so today it is). I'm taking 150mg as usual. We will not be using a trigger, just timing intercourse well. I'm suppose to use an ovulation predictor kit to help make sure that happens. What I learned last cycle is that spacing BD did make a big difference. . . so darling hubs will be getting his groove on only every 2-3 days until ovulation is confirmed since we know daily BD depletes the swimmers. This last cycle we got BD in 16x's in 32 days (which is still a lot) vs. our normal 30+ times. And it's the first cycle we managed to get swimmer and egg together. . . 'nuff said.
Once ovulation is confirmed, I will be starting progesterone suppositories (half 100mg 2x daily) until negative beta. . . if we get a positive, then I will continue the progesterone for at least 12 weeks.
In the past when my progesterone has been checked at 7dpo, it's been decent (15-20) on medicated cycles. . we haven't tested it in unmedicated cycles but my luteal phase and temps have been pretty good which normally is an indicator of happy progesterone.
We won't be attempting anymore treatment until at least October when our FSA resets and at this time we are still up in the air as to whether it'll be more IUI with injectables or onto IVF. IVF is a hard one for me given what I believe about creation of life. . .but it's amazing what we can convince ourselves to do in order to have a child. I'm praying we won't have to make that decision.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Falling Betas
Yesterday, I went through periods of time when I actually believed we were going to have a baby. . . I pee'd on no less than four home tests throughout the day.
Today I had Beta #2. . . my HCG level dropped from 18 mIU/ml to 9 mIU/ml. That's exactly the opposite of what we wanted. Today's level should have been at least 36 mIU/ml.
My fertility clinic informed me "this is not a progressing pregnancy". I'm to stop the progesterone support and return in one week to ensure my HCG has fallen back into the negative range <5 mIU/ml.
My heart is sad. I really wanted this to be it. . . after 18 failed cycles, I was ready for happy news. I've said over and over throughout the past months that a positive test doesn't mean we will have a viable pregnancy, but to face the reality of it is another story.
What's next? I don't know. . . Once my body has cleared, I will likely start on clomid again to regulate my cycles and get a better ovulation, which will give me a better progesterone level (mine was low at 6.28 this time).
I'm trying to remind myself that this means we can get pregnant. . . my eggs can be fertilized. . . slowing my husband down a bit in the S-E-X department can achieve the desired result. That doesn't change the fact that I'm sad. . . I wanted THIS baby. . . I already loved THIS baby who by definition is only 36 days into what should have been a 9 month journey. . . I still think about the last baby I lost, also very early like this one. . . I was convinced that baby was a boy (I've only birthed girls) and bought a cute little boy outfit at the Gymboree. Hours later, I found out my HCG was dropping. . . Funny, yesterday I was telling my girlfriend how I thought this one would be a boy. Maybe my body rejects the male of our species. . . or maybe I just have an overactive imagination. (To give myself some credit, I knew all three of my bio babies were girls from day one. . . and I bought little girl clothing on day one of a BFP.)
Losing babies, even very early in a pregnancy is a sad & emotional time. I didn't want to believe this could happen to me. I know the statistics say 1 in 5. . . but I've already had losses, so I wanted to be safe.
I'm going to try to focus on losing even more weight and getting into the best shape possible. . . and praying hard that our little bean will be on his/her way soon!
Today I had Beta #2. . . my HCG level dropped from 18 mIU/ml to 9 mIU/ml. That's exactly the opposite of what we wanted. Today's level should have been at least 36 mIU/ml.
My fertility clinic informed me "this is not a progressing pregnancy". I'm to stop the progesterone support and return in one week to ensure my HCG has fallen back into the negative range <5 mIU/ml.
My heart is sad. I really wanted this to be it. . . after 18 failed cycles, I was ready for happy news. I've said over and over throughout the past months that a positive test doesn't mean we will have a viable pregnancy, but to face the reality of it is another story.
What's next? I don't know. . . Once my body has cleared, I will likely start on clomid again to regulate my cycles and get a better ovulation, which will give me a better progesterone level (mine was low at 6.28 this time).
I'm trying to remind myself that this means we can get pregnant. . . my eggs can be fertilized. . . slowing my husband down a bit in the S-E-X department can achieve the desired result. That doesn't change the fact that I'm sad. . . I wanted THIS baby. . . I already loved THIS baby who by definition is only 36 days into what should have been a 9 month journey. . . I still think about the last baby I lost, also very early like this one. . . I was convinced that baby was a boy (I've only birthed girls) and bought a cute little boy outfit at the Gymboree. Hours later, I found out my HCG was dropping. . . Funny, yesterday I was telling my girlfriend how I thought this one would be a boy. Maybe my body rejects the male of our species. . . or maybe I just have an overactive imagination. (To give myself some credit, I knew all three of my bio babies were girls from day one. . . and I bought little girl clothing on day one of a BFP.)
Losing babies, even very early in a pregnancy is a sad & emotional time. I didn't want to believe this could happen to me. I know the statistics say 1 in 5. . . but I've already had losses, so I wanted to be safe.
I'm going to try to focus on losing even more weight and getting into the best shape possible. . . and praying hard that our little bean will be on his/her way soon!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Drumroll, please. . .
It looks like we are PREGNANT. I can't believe I'm typing those words!!!! I know that it's early and a lot can still go wrong. This is the first time in 18 cycles that we've actually gotten fertilization. . . woohoo!
I tested yesterday at what I thought was 18dpo after having a negative at 15dpo. I got a lightish positive on my First Response Early Result (the most sensitive currently on the market). Dr. Awesome got me right in for a beta and progesterone draw. My beta came back at 18 and progesterone at 6.28. Both are on the low side. I started progesterone suppositories yesterday evening so hopefully they will nip that concern.
Beta #2 is tomorrow. . . praying for a double. What it looks like happened is that I actually ovulated later and was possibly only 9dpo yesterday. . .which is very early for a positive test. Either way, today I am 35 days since my last menstrual period. I'm "due" somewhere between Feb. 14 and 23rd depending on date of ovulation. Since I am a repeat c-section, I will have baby anywhere from Feb. 7-15th assuming we have a sticky baby in there!
Today, because I'm a crazy, sub-fertile woman, I pee'd on three more pregnancy tests. Yeah. . . I know. Another First Response Early Result from the 3 pack I bought yesterday and then 2 Dollar Tree Assured brand tests (they are less sensitive). All of them were positive although none of the lines were jumping out screaming. I'm taking that as a good sign that my numbers are increasing and tomorrow's beta will be happy news.
Here's my thinking on why my numbers aren't great. . . If I really did ovulate on CD25 instead of CD16 (my temp chart was wacky this cycle) then of course I would get a negative on CD31 and while CD34 was early at 9dpo, still possible to get a low HCG reading. If I had ovulated on CD16 and my little bean had started to implant but not been fully able to (chemical pregnancy), then I would have likely had my positive on CD31 and been negative (and bleeding) by now. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. I feel pregnant so I'm taking that as a good sign. . . I love being nauseated! :-)
In the meantime I'm going to remind myself to not complain about being tired, nauseated, having sore boobs, or any other pregnancy symptom. . . because it's all worth it and a gazillion times better than continuing in infertile land.
Let me just say. . . it's been 8 years since I've gotten a BFP. . . even the faintest hint of a line. I'm a giddy cow at this point!
I tested yesterday at what I thought was 18dpo after having a negative at 15dpo. I got a lightish positive on my First Response Early Result (the most sensitive currently on the market). Dr. Awesome got me right in for a beta and progesterone draw. My beta came back at 18 and progesterone at 6.28. Both are on the low side. I started progesterone suppositories yesterday evening so hopefully they will nip that concern.
Beta #2 is tomorrow. . . praying for a double. What it looks like happened is that I actually ovulated later and was possibly only 9dpo yesterday. . .which is very early for a positive test. Either way, today I am 35 days since my last menstrual period. I'm "due" somewhere between Feb. 14 and 23rd depending on date of ovulation. Since I am a repeat c-section, I will have baby anywhere from Feb. 7-15th assuming we have a sticky baby in there!
Today, because I'm a crazy, sub-fertile woman, I pee'd on three more pregnancy tests. Yeah. . . I know. Another First Response Early Result from the 3 pack I bought yesterday and then 2 Dollar Tree Assured brand tests (they are less sensitive). All of them were positive although none of the lines were jumping out screaming. I'm taking that as a good sign that my numbers are increasing and tomorrow's beta will be happy news.
Here's my thinking on why my numbers aren't great. . . If I really did ovulate on CD25 instead of CD16 (my temp chart was wacky this cycle) then of course I would get a negative on CD31 and while CD34 was early at 9dpo, still possible to get a low HCG reading. If I had ovulated on CD16 and my little bean had started to implant but not been fully able to (chemical pregnancy), then I would have likely had my positive on CD31 and been negative (and bleeding) by now. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. I feel pregnant so I'm taking that as a good sign. . . I love being nauseated! :-)
In the meantime I'm going to remind myself to not complain about being tired, nauseated, having sore boobs, or any other pregnancy symptom. . . because it's all worth it and a gazillion times better than continuing in infertile land.
Let me just say. . . it's been 8 years since I've gotten a BFP. . . even the faintest hint of a line. I'm a giddy cow at this point!
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