Monday, March 4, 2013

Life After Infertility

It's official. . . I'm 12.2 weeks with our one surviving bambino.  Last week, I was released to the OB and had another ultrasound.  Baby looks beautiful.

Looking back at these last 12 weeks (and 2 years, really). . . it has been an emotional roller coaster from HELL.  When I got that double line, I so wanted to be happy but I was cautious.  I knew from our history that a positive didn't mean a stick baby.  Three BETAs later, with numbers rising at better than doubling rate, I started relaxing a bit.  Then the ultrasounds started. . . you have three!  Oh, wait, two have heartbeats but maybe only one is viable.  Oh. . . two look beautiful.  Two still looking good.  Oh. . . now there's one.  Ugh. . . I've spent the weeks since in this state of fear. . . when will my last baby be gone.  It's like waiting for the inevitable to happen.  Thankfully, it looks like we've avoided that and still have a strong baby growing inside.  I've rounded the corner into "safety" but I know there are still so many things that could go wrong.  Even so, I'm starting to act like we will have a baby at the end of this.

I'm still struggling with enormous grief over the loss of our twin.  I don't know if it's the compound loss of 3 out of 4 babies we've conceived in the last year, or if it was because that baby was healthy and looked like it would make it and then, suddenly, was gone.  Whatever the reasons, I think I will always mourn that baby.  We saw the cutest little B/G twins at the library the other night and I lost it.

There are a couple of moms in my life after infertility forum that are expecting twins around the time I am due. . . I am happy for them, their babies are growing strong. . . they don't have to go through the turmoil that I am, loss while still expecting. . . loss that no one understands.  But reading their updates is getting very very difficult for me.  I'm so sad and heartsick over our lost babies.

I'm trying to focus on that beautiful little baby we saw on the ultrasound last week.  Kicking it's little legs around.  We could see little eyes, nose, mouth. . . best of all, we could see it's little heart beating away.  I'm praying for this baby, and the souls of the ones we've lost.  I'm trying to refocus my planning from multiple babies to a singleton.  I'm trying to not think too far into the future when we try for a close in age sibling (there will be almost 9 years between this baby and our youngest child).  I'm already joking with hubs that maybe we should start the adoption process after baby is born. . . I don't know if I can go through this roller coaster of infertility/loss/pregnancy again!

Here's a picture of our happy little bean at 11.2 weeks.