Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Where Do We Go From Here?

I'm 18dpo... no, I'm not pregnant, although it seems that I should be.  We don't know why my LP (luteal phase) is lasting so long (as it has every cycle since the miscarriage except the cycle I used a trigger).

Part of me says go ahead and medicate one more cycle. . . what's it hurt. . . my insurance will cover my November and December cycles in full since I've met my annual out of pocket maximum and I haven't yet maxed out my (very limited) infertility coverage.

The other part of me says I need to let it go for a while.  We know WHY we aren't conceiving (not sure if we have a successful implantation issue yet, but that's look like a possibility).

I've lost weight.  I'm eating well (80-90% of the time grain free, always gluten free).  I'm healthy.  My Celiac is in remission (if there is such a thing- my intestines are currently healed so as long as I eat gluten free, I'm healthy). 

My tubes are clear.  My ovaries are producing eggs each cycle (quite successfully).  I get wet (fertile) CM at least one day every cycle.  My cervix is open (which means the swimmers can get in now).

I'm still not pregnant.

Here's the deal, although I'm not sure my very experienced, totally awesome, RE even gets it.  Hubs swimmers get depleted.  We need 60 hours (minimum)- 72 hours (optimum) between ejaculates in order to get good, healthy swimmers (30-60 mil/ml).  Trouble is. . . hubs drive doesn't often accommodate that kind of spacing.  I feel guilty for putting him off, leaving his needs unmet, etc. . . and I don't want to be the "s-x warden".

This cycle, we did fairly well. . . and I was praying it was enough.  But the reality is, the weekend I ovulated, he was needy. . . so in all likelihood the couple of days before ovulation (when I was most fertile), he had very depleted counts (twice a day, people).  We know that 12-36 hour breaks lead to counts that caused canceled cycles (>10mil/ml).  This is natural, the human body takes 72 hours to fully mature sperm. 

I'm starting to think we may never have a biological child.  I can be okay with that but I want us to have a newborn. . . I'm okay with adopting a newborn but don't see how we could ever afford it.  I'm still praying that our names will come up on the embryo adoption list as that may be the most cost effective route for us to go.  Hubs is nervous about me going through the dangers of pregnancy for a child that isn't biologically ours. . . I'd prefer that to traditional adoption so that the children can be part of the pregnancy and I could breastfeed.

The reality is. . . if we had $15k, I'd opt for a cycle of IVF.  Even though my faith says IVF is morally unacceptable, I think I would do it (easy to say when I know it's not a possibility).  Or perhaps, I'd put that toward the $20K + needed for infant adoption and be assured we'd have a child at the end of the process (and that an unwanted child would have a very loving home).

I don't know.

What I do know is that on that weekend when we were suppose to be spacing BD to get good swimmers, I almost lost it in an emotional fit of tears when hubs was "pursuing" me. . . I wanted to cry and scream "we are suppose to be waiting!". . . but then, as if God spoke to me, I realized that my husband needed me and it was my duty to fulfill those needs.  At that moment, I was able to put it in God's hands. . . this was a big step for me.  I felt myself letting go. .  I said, "if it's God's will, we will have a child, because it's going to take a miracle".  I know without a doubt that it is going to take a miracle to create a child in my womb or to open our lives to infant adoption.  I can't control things (as much as I wish I could).

I'm trying to take a step back from control.  I stopped temping/charting this cycle once I confirmed ovulation.  I waited patiently until AF was late before I took a test.  This was not a medicated cycle (so was the only cycle I conceived in these last two years). 

I feel like at this point, I know my body well. . . I know my cycles well. . . I've been perfectly charting all my fertility signs for two full years. . . we've had all the tests done that we can. . . all I need to figure out is out to get my hubs to slow down his drive during the week leading up to my fertile window.   I'm seriously pondering not charting for a while. . . I know my cycle and can see my other fertility signs without actually charting. . . maybe that will take some of the pressure off?  Of course, I worry that without confirming ovulation via temperature I will cause hubs to miss out on more BD days then necessary.

I also know that if finances weren't an issue. . . I would pursue further treatment and/or adoption.  It sad to be up against a wall that you have no way to scale.  My choices are significantly reduced because I cannot afford treatment or adoption.

There are those who say, "be happy with the family you have".  I am, oh, how I am.  I love my family. . . I love the children we have. And yet, part of me is missing. . . that connection with my husband, that closing of the circle of our children. . . that sharing of a common child, one that is "real" sibling to our children and "real" child to both of us.  I feel a schism in our family, one that says "his" and "hers" instead of "ours".  I feel that "our" baby would change the entire dynamic of our family.  I want (desperately) that little one who I can look at and see my beloveds face.  I fear that if I were to lose my husband (as we know life is fragile), I would be left without any part of him. . . I would lose "his" children to their bio-mom.  I could only see his face in a photo album.  This I fear most. I hunger for permanency and our child symbolizes that.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Silence. . .

Has been exactly what I need right now.  This cycle marks two full years of infertility this round. . . this is officially the longest I have ever spent trying to conceive.

I stopped temping once I confirmed ovulation this cycle.  I'm trying to relax and wait. . . either we conceived or we didn't, there's no use stressing over it.

Hubs said he was on board to go the NFP route to trying to conceive. . . that meant:

No intercourse during menses.
Intercourse every other day until CM changes.
Once CM changes, hold over intercourse until slippery sensation appears (most fertile CM).

This works well for a lot of women because you time intercourse perfectly.  Part of our problem is low count issues with frequent intercourse and my husbands voracious appetite in that realm.  Ideally, NFP would help us ensure good counts on our most fertile day.

The problem- hubs did fairly well with our restrictions until the weekend ovulation actually occurred.  My hope is that we had good swimmers in there when the egg popped, but who knows.

I expect AF over the weekend. . . if she doesn't show up, then I'll test sometime next week.  I'm not in a hurry.