Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Infertility Sucks. . .

It doesn't matter if you have no children or 12. . . not being able to conceive sucks.  I know this, I have been subfertile my entire life.  It took the assistance of an excellent R.E. to conceive my first child, so we can check primary infertility off the list.  I had a hysterosalpinogram and charted temps and had my girl bits violated more times than I care to count.  It took 12 medicated cycles to get a full term baby.  It sucked.  But, I was young (22) and hopeful.  Looking back, I don't think the thought ever really occurred to me that it might not work. . . that I might end up without a baby in the belly that went on to become a baby in the arms.   Something about getting knocked up and breastfeeding must have changed my body because 11 months in I was knocked up again. . .we had just started discussing visiting the R.E. again. . . I'd had ZERO menstrual cycles since our darling daughter was born. . . I had no clue I was fertile and evidently it only took that one ovulation.  It was a less than ideal pregnancy, but who am I to complain, I was PREGNANT!  Baby three was back to the drawing board, once again, I had no cycles for a looooooong time after baby #2.  Darling daughter #3 stuck after 6 medicated cycles.  Secondary infertility, check!

And here we are. . . seven years later.

I'm now 34.  I've had D&C's, cervical cautery, cervical dilation (2x), dye through the tubes (clear!), and a laparoscopy to look for endo (none!) and clear up some adhesions (nasty!).  I've given myself shots.  I've popped pills.  I've wept a river.  I've turned into a near homicidal lunatic (sorry honey!).  I've had catheters threaded through my scarred closed cervix (ouch!) to deposit my husbands goods.  More ultrasounds than I can count.  Painful, bloated ovaries (just when we are suppose to have sex and it HURTS!).  I take my temperature every morning before I roll out of bed and dutifully record it at Fertility Friend.  I analyze my charts for any sign that something is different this time.  I deny my husband sex (every 2-3 days vs. daily, which is his preference) because we have to get the sperm count up (and then I ovulate late).  I'm on the embryo donation list.  I'm planning a consult for IVF (where I never thought I'd be).  I'm running the numbers every possible way to see if there is some way we can drum up the $12k we will need for ONE attempt at IVF. 18 cycles. . . no baby. . . not even a chemical pregnancy which makes me think my eggs are rotten.  I've wasted more money on OPK's and pregnancy tests than I care to count. . . because I'm crazy and can't wait until AF is late to test (although AF has routinely been 2-3 days late since we started medicated cycles, must be due to multiple ovulation).  I've change my entire world.  For 18 months I haven't taken anything other than Tylenol (Advil in the first two weeks of a cycle only!).  I don't even take my allergy pills for fear they will dry up my cervical mucous (which isn't great folks!).  I don't drink caffeine.  I am not only gluten free. . . but now, I'm GRAIN FREE.  That's right. . . I no longer eat any grains or refined sugars.  I eat healthy real fats.  I take my expensive whole food prenatal vitamins. I would never pick up a cigarette like that very pregnant lady in the purple shirt I saw at Safeway the other day.

Tertiary infertility. . . is there such a thing. . . check!

Then I hear how a friends 15 year old daughter is knocked up. 


Sunday, May 6, 2012

Another One Bites the Dust

Well, it's glaringly apparent that this cycle has not been a success.  Today marks 15 dpo and I tested.  Negative.   I'm moody, nauseated, crampy and generally BLAH.  So, we can safely assume my temp will drop tomorrow and AF will arrive.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of timing BD (and denying my DH when he is needing me).  I'm tired of charting and watching for the slightest change that could indicate success.  I'm tired of checking for cervical fluids and lamenting of the lack of fertile fluid.  I'm tired of trying to decipher if my cervix is higher and softer than it was the day before.  I'm tired.  And I'm moody, did I mention that?  Oh. . . and my boobs hurt.  Awesome.

I've lost 15 lbs in a little over a month.  I'm doing resistance training 4x/week.  I've changed my families eating style to Paleo (grain free, we were already a natural eating family).  I've broken my sugar and coffee addiction.  I'm working to reduce stress and inflammation.

All of this may be a moot point if our issue(s) remain an unfriendly cervix due to past surgery (and therefore cannot be changed) and low sperm count due to daily BD.  I'm trying to space BD out to once every 2-3 days from the start of this next cycle until ovulation is confirmed in an attempt to increase the likelihood of getting happy swimmers where they need to be at the right time.

But how darn annoying!  We have to have less SEX?  What?!?!?!  I thought sex made babies. . . sure works for the teenagers. :(

I'm wishing that we could afford IVF. . . I still don't see as how that would ever be a possibility for us.  I have three children coming up on braces. . . let's see. . . braces for 3 or 1 round of IVF, what's a responsible Mama to do? That said. . .I do intend to go to an IVF consult in June or July and talk about our options.  I do intend to work the numbers every which way possible and see if there is any way we can scramble and make it happen.  However, the realistic side of me knows it's not going to be a reality in our world.

Today, I stopped by a Heart Gallery display.  I'm mooning over a 4yo and her 7yo brother.  They look like they'd be a lovely addition to our family.  However, until the inlaws move on in the next year, we don't have room to accommodate two children in those ages.   Maybe by Spring, the right children will be avaliable and we will be ready.  We do have a 6 bedroom house, but the inlaws have two of the bedrooms, a study, and bathroom that's attached.  When that area of the house is avaliable and our 19 yo sister moves out this Fall (she's getting married, but that's another story), then we can shift kids around and we will definitely have room for more littles.  And DH and I might even get to move out of the "attic" bedroom. . .

In the meantime, I'm going to keep trying to de-stress.  How?  Good question.  I live with my inlaws, have my slightly obnoxious 19 year old sister in residence, have our 5 children (including their "other" bio parent), and I run a childcare.  Yeah. . . no stress.  Oh and did I mention that just about every one I know is pregnant.  Yeah. . . there's that.