Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Infertility Sucks. . .

It doesn't matter if you have no children or 12. . . not being able to conceive sucks.  I know this, I have been subfertile my entire life.  It took the assistance of an excellent R.E. to conceive my first child, so we can check primary infertility off the list.  I had a hysterosalpinogram and charted temps and had my girl bits violated more times than I care to count.  It took 12 medicated cycles to get a full term baby.  It sucked.  But, I was young (22) and hopeful.  Looking back, I don't think the thought ever really occurred to me that it might not work. . . that I might end up without a baby in the belly that went on to become a baby in the arms.   Something about getting knocked up and breastfeeding must have changed my body because 11 months in I was knocked up again. . .we had just started discussing visiting the R.E. again. . . I'd had ZERO menstrual cycles since our darling daughter was born. . . I had no clue I was fertile and evidently it only took that one ovulation.  It was a less than ideal pregnancy, but who am I to complain, I was PREGNANT!  Baby three was back to the drawing board, once again, I had no cycles for a looooooong time after baby #2.  Darling daughter #3 stuck after 6 medicated cycles.  Secondary infertility, check!

And here we are. . . seven years later.

I'm now 34.  I've had D&C's, cervical cautery, cervical dilation (2x), dye through the tubes (clear!), and a laparoscopy to look for endo (none!) and clear up some adhesions (nasty!).  I've given myself shots.  I've popped pills.  I've wept a river.  I've turned into a near homicidal lunatic (sorry honey!).  I've had catheters threaded through my scarred closed cervix (ouch!) to deposit my husbands goods.  More ultrasounds than I can count.  Painful, bloated ovaries (just when we are suppose to have sex and it HURTS!).  I take my temperature every morning before I roll out of bed and dutifully record it at Fertility Friend.  I analyze my charts for any sign that something is different this time.  I deny my husband sex (every 2-3 days vs. daily, which is his preference) because we have to get the sperm count up (and then I ovulate late).  I'm on the embryo donation list.  I'm planning a consult for IVF (where I never thought I'd be).  I'm running the numbers every possible way to see if there is some way we can drum up the $12k we will need for ONE attempt at IVF. 18 cycles. . . no baby. . . not even a chemical pregnancy which makes me think my eggs are rotten.  I've wasted more money on OPK's and pregnancy tests than I care to count. . . because I'm crazy and can't wait until AF is late to test (although AF has routinely been 2-3 days late since we started medicated cycles, must be due to multiple ovulation).  I've change my entire world.  For 18 months I haven't taken anything other than Tylenol (Advil in the first two weeks of a cycle only!).  I don't even take my allergy pills for fear they will dry up my cervical mucous (which isn't great folks!).  I don't drink caffeine.  I am not only gluten free. . . but now, I'm GRAIN FREE.  That's right. . . I no longer eat any grains or refined sugars.  I eat healthy real fats.  I take my expensive whole food prenatal vitamins. I would never pick up a cigarette like that very pregnant lady in the purple shirt I saw at Safeway the other day.

Tertiary infertility. . . is there such a thing. . . check!

Then I hear how a friends 15 year old daughter is knocked up. 

Awesome.

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