I've been meaning to write our story. . . but it isn't over yet and something has been holding me back. Today, I am 28 + 3 days pregnant with our survivor. I am ecstatic, over the moon, thrilled to watch my belly bounce with my active, apparently healthy baby. I am scared beyond belief. When we lost the 2nd of our trio, I told myself it would get easier once this baby passed the first trimester. . . once this baby passed the anatomy scans. . . once this baby hit viability. . . once this baby comes home.
But will it ever get easier? For a while I was able to put our losses on the back burner. They didn't consume my every thought. I've lost babies before. . . none have been as hard as our loss from 2-1 this time. Losing the first of our triplets wasn't as hard, maybe because I never saw that baby's beating heart? Maybe because losing the second of the trio scared the bejeebers out of me and left me gasping for breath, praying that we would still have a baby at the end of this road.
Today, I try to feel confident that this strong baby will be coming home with us in 11 weeks time. My c-section is scheduled. My pre and post op appointments are scheduled. I passed my scans and was released from maternal fetal medicine to my regular OB. By all the statistics, I should be breathing a little easier now. We have a baby. Our baby is healthy by all measures. Even if baby was born today, his/her chance of survival is high with minimal risk of long term issues. So, why can't I breath easier? Why can't I go along in peaceful oblivion counting the days until my baby takes its first breath?
As our baby shower celebration approaches, I find myself more at a loss than ever. This was suppose to be a celebration for a TRIO, and then for a DUO. Now, it's a celebration (no less wonderful) for a SINGLE. . . and somehow, it feels anti-climatic despite our years of infertility treatments. We are blessed to be having this baby and I know that and I love this child with every fiber of my being. . . but I'm still waiting for him/her to be ripped from my womb. Will that feeling ever end? Will I become the hovering over protective parent that lives in constant fear of harm falling on my child? Will I one day be able to breath deeply and say, "my baby lives"?
Recently I had to go back through our baby registries and update everything to a singleton, and I spent many hours in tears. . . all the hopes and dreams that came with a multiple pregnancy are gone, those hopes far outweighed any of the fears and complications that I knew would come with the pregnancy as well. I wasn't frightened of the challenges that arrive with multiples. I was thrilled to have been blessed with the opportunity.
My oldest daughter is almost 13. . . she says to me, "I just don't understand why God gave us three and took two away". Neither do I, but I'm learning to trust that HE knows better than I.
Then there's the loss world and where do I fit in? I have at least four preborn babies waiting in Heaven. I believe they are in the loving arms of my Mama who went home to Jesus four years ago. I'm stuck in this between world. . . I have dead babies inside my womb, waiting for their surviving sibling to be born. Then we will bury our placenta with their remains and look for some closure to their loss. I don't fit in with the loss community, I feel like there are few that understand the complexity of my emotions. Yes, I am happy I still have a baby. . . but that doesn't diminish the pain of the babies I will never meet Earthside. The babies I don't get to hold and cuddle. . . it doesn't change the fact that I will look at this sweet baby when s/he is born and mourn for the loss of the ones who are no longer here.
When do I stop weeping when I see multiples out and about with their Mamas fighting with doors as they push their limo of a stroller through. . . when will I stop hoping that the Doctors were wrong and that somehow I'm going to miraculously deliver a healthy duo or trio? When will I believe that my survivor isn't going to be ripped away from me too?
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
Life After Infertility
It's official. . . I'm 12.2 weeks with our one surviving bambino. Last week, I was released to the OB and had another ultrasound. Baby looks beautiful.
Looking back at these last 12 weeks (and 2 years, really). . . it has been an emotional roller coaster from HELL. When I got that double line, I so wanted to be happy but I was cautious. I knew from our history that a positive didn't mean a stick baby. Three BETAs later, with numbers rising at better than doubling rate, I started relaxing a bit. Then the ultrasounds started. . . you have three! Oh, wait, two have heartbeats but maybe only one is viable. Oh. . . two look beautiful. Two still looking good. Oh. . . now there's one. Ugh. . . I've spent the weeks since in this state of fear. . . when will my last baby be gone. It's like waiting for the inevitable to happen. Thankfully, it looks like we've avoided that and still have a strong baby growing inside. I've rounded the corner into "safety" but I know there are still so many things that could go wrong. Even so, I'm starting to act like we will have a baby at the end of this.
I'm still struggling with enormous grief over the loss of our twin. I don't know if it's the compound loss of 3 out of 4 babies we've conceived in the last year, or if it was because that baby was healthy and looked like it would make it and then, suddenly, was gone. Whatever the reasons, I think I will always mourn that baby. We saw the cutest little B/G twins at the library the other night and I lost it.
There are a couple of moms in my life after infertility forum that are expecting twins around the time I am due. . . I am happy for them, their babies are growing strong. . . they don't have to go through the turmoil that I am, loss while still expecting. . . loss that no one understands. But reading their updates is getting very very difficult for me. I'm so sad and heartsick over our lost babies.
I'm trying to focus on that beautiful little baby we saw on the ultrasound last week. Kicking it's little legs around. We could see little eyes, nose, mouth. . . best of all, we could see it's little heart beating away. I'm praying for this baby, and the souls of the ones we've lost. I'm trying to refocus my planning from multiple babies to a singleton. I'm trying to not think too far into the future when we try for a close in age sibling (there will be almost 9 years between this baby and our youngest child). I'm already joking with hubs that maybe we should start the adoption process after baby is born. . . I don't know if I can go through this roller coaster of infertility/loss/pregnancy again!
Here's a picture of our happy little bean at 11.2 weeks.
Looking back at these last 12 weeks (and 2 years, really). . . it has been an emotional roller coaster from HELL. When I got that double line, I so wanted to be happy but I was cautious. I knew from our history that a positive didn't mean a stick baby. Three BETAs later, with numbers rising at better than doubling rate, I started relaxing a bit. Then the ultrasounds started. . . you have three! Oh, wait, two have heartbeats but maybe only one is viable. Oh. . . two look beautiful. Two still looking good. Oh. . . now there's one. Ugh. . . I've spent the weeks since in this state of fear. . . when will my last baby be gone. It's like waiting for the inevitable to happen. Thankfully, it looks like we've avoided that and still have a strong baby growing inside. I've rounded the corner into "safety" but I know there are still so many things that could go wrong. Even so, I'm starting to act like we will have a baby at the end of this.
I'm still struggling with enormous grief over the loss of our twin. I don't know if it's the compound loss of 3 out of 4 babies we've conceived in the last year, or if it was because that baby was healthy and looked like it would make it and then, suddenly, was gone. Whatever the reasons, I think I will always mourn that baby. We saw the cutest little B/G twins at the library the other night and I lost it.
There are a couple of moms in my life after infertility forum that are expecting twins around the time I am due. . . I am happy for them, their babies are growing strong. . . they don't have to go through the turmoil that I am, loss while still expecting. . . loss that no one understands. But reading their updates is getting very very difficult for me. I'm so sad and heartsick over our lost babies.
I'm trying to focus on that beautiful little baby we saw on the ultrasound last week. Kicking it's little legs around. We could see little eyes, nose, mouth. . . best of all, we could see it's little heart beating away. I'm praying for this baby, and the souls of the ones we've lost. I'm trying to refocus my planning from multiple babies to a singleton. I'm trying to not think too far into the future when we try for a close in age sibling (there will be almost 9 years between this baby and our youngest child). I'm already joking with hubs that maybe we should start the adoption process after baby is born. . . I don't know if I can go through this roller coaster of infertility/loss/pregnancy again!
Here's a picture of our happy little bean at 11.2 weeks.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Ultrasound #5
After the week 8 ultrasound, I went into my 9wk 3day scan expecting to see growing babies, but otherwise have it be uneventful. Both babies looked great and had almost no different between them in size or heart rates.
We knew immediately at the start of this scan something was wrong. We could see one baby dancing around but the other one didn't look right. And S didn't say anything. Finally, she said, "well we have one good healthy baby here but I think we've lost the other one". She brought in Dr. A and he spent a good deal of time looking at both babies. Sometime in the last couple of days, Baby A died. We don't know why. A had the strongest HB from the beginning so this was a real shock. It looks like that weird shaped sac may have had something to do with it. Her sac was a long oval instead of the normal circle. A was on the far right of the oval and her placenta was on the far left. We could see her cord stretched out across the sac and a clot/cyst in her cord. My hypothesis is that the distance caused a tear in the cord which led to a clot. . . what other explanation is there for a healthy baby being gone. We'd had no signs that this one had genetic issues because it was growing so well. . . I've also seen other babies with strange sac shapes that do just fine. I wonder if my damaged lower uterus had something to do with this since the two babies we lost were the ones implanted at the base of my uterus and B, who is strong and healthy was at the top. Maybe A was spread out because the embryo tried to implant in the fluffier tissue and the distance was just too much for the baby. In the ultrasound picture above, you can see healthy B, in the part of the sac that's visible to the left you can see the yolk/placenta. . . the rest of the sac for A extended behind B's and A was a couple inches away from the yolk/placenta. I have pictures of A also, but it's obvious she's gone and I don't want to post them. She still looks like a little baby but different.
Who knows. I'm having a very very very hard time with this. I should feel thrilled that we have a baby coming. . . that was the plan. But to have gone from 3, to 2, and now to 1 feels like a nightmare. I feel like my body is killing my babies and I am waiting for the bad news that we've lost B too. Dr. A tried to reassure me that B looked great, she was dancing and wiggling all over the place and looked healthy and strong. . . but it's hard to believe I will have a baby at the end of all this.
Coupled with our loss in June, I've managed to conceive 4 babies and have lost 3 of them. We are praying very hard that B holds on and we are rewarded with a healthy baby in 28 weeks or so.
Today, I am 10wks 3days. No ultrasound this week, I've been released to my OB. I will meet him on the 25th and have another scan then. In the meantime I'm slightly attached to a doppler, trying to reassure myself that B is okay in there.
We knew immediately at the start of this scan something was wrong. We could see one baby dancing around but the other one didn't look right. And S didn't say anything. Finally, she said, "well we have one good healthy baby here but I think we've lost the other one". She brought in Dr. A and he spent a good deal of time looking at both babies. Sometime in the last couple of days, Baby A died. We don't know why. A had the strongest HB from the beginning so this was a real shock. It looks like that weird shaped sac may have had something to do with it. Her sac was a long oval instead of the normal circle. A was on the far right of the oval and her placenta was on the far left. We could see her cord stretched out across the sac and a clot/cyst in her cord. My hypothesis is that the distance caused a tear in the cord which led to a clot. . . what other explanation is there for a healthy baby being gone. We'd had no signs that this one had genetic issues because it was growing so well. . . I've also seen other babies with strange sac shapes that do just fine. I wonder if my damaged lower uterus had something to do with this since the two babies we lost were the ones implanted at the base of my uterus and B, who is strong and healthy was at the top. Maybe A was spread out because the embryo tried to implant in the fluffier tissue and the distance was just too much for the baby. In the ultrasound picture above, you can see healthy B, in the part of the sac that's visible to the left you can see the yolk/placenta. . . the rest of the sac for A extended behind B's and A was a couple inches away from the yolk/placenta. I have pictures of A also, but it's obvious she's gone and I don't want to post them. She still looks like a little baby but different.
Who knows. I'm having a very very very hard time with this. I should feel thrilled that we have a baby coming. . . that was the plan. But to have gone from 3, to 2, and now to 1 feels like a nightmare. I feel like my body is killing my babies and I am waiting for the bad news that we've lost B too. Dr. A tried to reassure me that B looked great, she was dancing and wiggling all over the place and looked healthy and strong. . . but it's hard to believe I will have a baby at the end of all this.
Coupled with our loss in June, I've managed to conceive 4 babies and have lost 3 of them. We are praying very hard that B holds on and we are rewarded with a healthy baby in 28 weeks or so.
Today, I am 10wks 3days. No ultrasound this week, I've been released to my OB. I will meet him on the 25th and have another scan then. In the meantime I'm slightly attached to a doppler, trying to reassure myself that B is okay in there.
How are the Twins?
Baby B HB 166.
Both measuring right on track for gestational age.
Baby C's sac is getting smaller in comparison, but is larger than it looks in this photo.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Baby Update
Here's the scoop. Three sacs are still growing but only two have live babies. So, at this point we have twins, but my body thinks there are three since the sac is still getting bigger. Evidently little jelly bean #3 quit growing but jelly beans #1 & 2 are keeping the sac going.
Jelly Bean #1- CRL 9.1mm, GS 27.7mm, HR= 125bpm (6wk 6days)
Jelly Bean #2- CRL 12.7mm, GS 23.8mm, HR= 144bpm (7wk 4days)
Today I am officially 7weeks 3days pregnant.
Sac 1 is very odd shaped. . . for a minute, Dr Awesome thought we had four sacs now. Then he realized it was one odd shaped sac. He searched all over for a hidden identical twin in that sac, but only found the one baby.
This image doesn't show it well, but Jelly Bean #1 & #2 are pretty close in size and both are measuring correctly for this stage.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Ultrasound #2
Jan. 22, 2013. This was suppose to be our first scan. 6 weeks 3 days.
Baby A isn't looking great- 8.2 mm, no heartbeat visible yet.
Baby B looks good, GS 14.2mm CRL 6.2mm HR= 125.
Baby C iffy, GS 17.2mm, CRL 4.2mm, HR= 111.
Next scan on Wednesday, Jan. 30th.
Baby A isn't looking great- 8.2 mm, no heartbeat visible yet.
Baby B looks good, GS 14.2mm CRL 6.2mm HR= 125.
Baby C iffy, GS 17.2mm, CRL 4.2mm, HR= 111.
Next scan on Wednesday, Jan. 30th.
First Ultrasound
A week early- did I mention my neurosis? 5 weeks 3 days and it's TRIPLETS.
Baby A is the small one- 6.2mm, B is 10.1mm (and kind of squashed), C is 10.6mm. Nothing much else is visible because this is EARLY. Tubes are clear, ovaries are enlarged but no obvious reasons for all the pain I'm having.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
BETA 3
Otherwise known as calming my neurosis. . .
18dpo/IUI= 1781!!! Doubling time of 36hrs.
Now, I only have to fret over the possibility of ectopic (not likely) until my ultrasound on the 22nd.
18dpo/IUI= 1781!!! Doubling time of 36hrs.
Now, I only have to fret over the possibility of ectopic (not likely) until my ultrasound on the 22nd.
OHSS
Today I am 4.4weeks. Still soooooo early and yet it feels like forever since my first positive pregnancy test (a week ago tomorrow).
Because I'm slightly neurotic, I begged another BETA today. I'm waiting on the results. Based on standard doubling, we are looking for something over 1108. If I am still tripling, then I expect something around 2448 or higher. My forecast is 2800. :-)
I have OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome). Thankfully it's in the milder range and doesn't require any intervention (yet). I'm terribly bloated (as in I can't button my pants) and my ovaries hurt! Otherwise, we are plugging along fine.
Everything smells. . . I cook meat and I smell like meat and the whole house smells like meat (no one else seems to notice this). I walk in the front door and smell wood fire, but we haven't had a fire in fireplace in over a week. . . my van smells like chicken food from hauling it home from the feed store and it makes me want to hurl.
13 days until my ultrasound. . . I will make it! I'm trying to talk myself out of begging for an earlier one.
Because I'm slightly neurotic, I begged another BETA today. I'm waiting on the results. Based on standard doubling, we are looking for something over 1108. If I am still tripling, then I expect something around 2448 or higher. My forecast is 2800. :-)
I have OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome). Thankfully it's in the milder range and doesn't require any intervention (yet). I'm terribly bloated (as in I can't button my pants) and my ovaries hurt! Otherwise, we are plugging along fine.
Everything smells. . . I cook meat and I smell like meat and the whole house smells like meat (no one else seems to notice this). I walk in the front door and smell wood fire, but we haven't had a fire in fireplace in over a week. . . my van smells like chicken food from hauling it home from the feed store and it makes me want to hurl.
13 days until my ultrasound. . . I will make it! I'm trying to talk myself out of begging for an earlier one.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
BETA 1 & 2
Today at 9am- (12dpo/IUI) 78!!!!
It's official.
Repeat on Saturday, praying for a double!
BETA 2- (14dpo/IUI) 272!!!!!!!!! That's a triple + (doubling time of 26 hours).
It's official.
Repeat on Saturday, praying for a double!
BETA 2- (14dpo/IUI) 272!!!!!!!!! That's a triple + (doubling time of 26 hours).
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
There's Two Lines Folks!
Monday, December 31, 2012
"Advanced" Maternal Age
Manic Mama turned 35 on Saturday. I don't feel any different. . . but, I've now attained that dreaded label- "advanced maternal age".
Huh.
In other news, I'm 9DPIUI (11DPT). Chugging along just fine, thank you.
My breasts hurt. Not sore or tender. . . we are talking PAIN. I've had cramping off and on for the last 3-4 days (especially with O). What does this all mean? Maybe nothing. . . Maybe everything.
I'm wondering if the breast pain is related to the gonadotropins? I am on progesterone but in the past that hasn't caused this kind of discomfort.
My cervix still feels high, slightly soft, and closed. My BBT is still 97.7+ (when I take it).
My favorite part of Christmas- when I was updating my Grandma on our fertility cycle, she proclaimed, "well, if I knew it was possible I'd have more kids with Celiac, I wouldn't have any more, what a burden!". Are you kidding me???? I believe she called it "food issues" not Celiac, but whatever. My children are not a burden. I enjoy the challenge of finding new, healthy, innovative ways to eat. Sure, some days it'd be a lot easier if we could eat SAD food, but then, we would be far from healthy and likely spending more in medical costs. But I digress.
Huh.
In other news, I'm 9DPIUI (11DPT). Chugging along just fine, thank you.
My breasts hurt. Not sore or tender. . . we are talking PAIN. I've had cramping off and on for the last 3-4 days (especially with O). What does this all mean? Maybe nothing. . . Maybe everything.
I'm wondering if the breast pain is related to the gonadotropins? I am on progesterone but in the past that hasn't caused this kind of discomfort.
My cervix still feels high, slightly soft, and closed. My BBT is still 97.7+ (when I take it).
My favorite part of Christmas- when I was updating my Grandma on our fertility cycle, she proclaimed, "well, if I knew it was possible I'd have more kids with Celiac, I wouldn't have any more, what a burden!". Are you kidding me???? I believe she called it "food issues" not Celiac, but whatever. My children are not a burden. I enjoy the challenge of finding new, healthy, innovative ways to eat. Sure, some days it'd be a lot easier if we could eat SAD food, but then, we would be far from healthy and likely spending more in medical costs. But I digress.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Two Week Wait
After my CD7 scan revealed 4 mature follicles (17.6mm-19mm), we did one more injection of 225iu HMG/Lepori. On CD8 at 10pm, I did the trigger injection (10,000iu Pregnyl). At 9:30am on CD10, we went in for IUI. Swimmers looked great (post wash- 34 million, 93% mobile, 3.0 progression; our pre-wash count @ 91mil/ml was the best we've had yet! I'm convinced that the 60 hour mark for abstinence is our best bet for the swimmers. . . we also did better the week leading up to IUI and was on a every other day pattern vs our normal every day). The IUI itself took a bit of time (and discomfort) once again, thanks to my messed up cervix. Finally, the catheter found the path in and all was good.
I was given instructions to start progesterone suppositories on CD11 (today) but I'm waiting until tomorrow because we are at a water park and the thought of ooey gooey oozy progesterone suppositories + swim suit + public pool. . . well, you get the idea. Normally, one would start progesterone at three days past ovulation anyway, so I'm not concerned, especially since my BBT was sky high today (97.83) confirming strong progesterone following ovulation.
I didn't realize that progesterone support was standard protocol following a gonadotropin cycle. Something about messing with your bodies normal function, blah blah blah. Progesterone is the witching drug if you ask me. . . although I shouldn't complain because at least Dr. A is kind enough to give us the suppositories vs injections of progesterone in oil (in the buttocks!).
I've spent the last 36 hours visualizing my eggs busting out, meeting up with the swimmers, and dividing as they travel down my fallopian tubes. In a few days, prayerfully, one or more will find their way into the squishy lining of my uterus and continue to grow.
My instructions are to POAS 14 days from yesterday (January 4, 2013). . . we shall see if I can wait that long. If I get a +, then starts the multitude of BETAs.
I feel really positive about this cycle. . . this is going to be in. Things were perfect, including our timing and our swimmers. . . my lining is better than it has been in any previous cycle. . .
Part of me wanted to do another scan the morning of the IUI to confirm follicles and lining. . . but everything looked good on CD7, so there is no reason to think that would be different. Dr. A is trying to help keep our costs down and not pushing for excessive monitoring.
I was given instructions to start progesterone suppositories on CD11 (today) but I'm waiting until tomorrow because we are at a water park and the thought of ooey gooey oozy progesterone suppositories + swim suit + public pool. . . well, you get the idea. Normally, one would start progesterone at three days past ovulation anyway, so I'm not concerned, especially since my BBT was sky high today (97.83) confirming strong progesterone following ovulation.
I didn't realize that progesterone support was standard protocol following a gonadotropin cycle. Something about messing with your bodies normal function, blah blah blah. Progesterone is the witching drug if you ask me. . . although I shouldn't complain because at least Dr. A is kind enough to give us the suppositories vs injections of progesterone in oil (in the buttocks!).
I've spent the last 36 hours visualizing my eggs busting out, meeting up with the swimmers, and dividing as they travel down my fallopian tubes. In a few days, prayerfully, one or more will find their way into the squishy lining of my uterus and continue to grow.
My instructions are to POAS 14 days from yesterday (January 4, 2013). . . we shall see if I can wait that long. If I get a +, then starts the multitude of BETAs.
I feel really positive about this cycle. . . this is going to be in. Things were perfect, including our timing and our swimmers. . . my lining is better than it has been in any previous cycle. . .
Part of me wanted to do another scan the morning of the IUI to confirm follicles and lining. . . but everything looked good on CD7, so there is no reason to think that would be different. Dr. A is trying to help keep our costs down and not pushing for excessive monitoring.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Fast Responder!
Today was my CD7 scan to check on how the old ovaries were doing. . . I knew they'd started to wake up because I was feeling some discomfort, especially in the hours after my injection.
When I went in to see Dr. Awesome this morning, I had taken 4 daily injections of generic Menopur (HMG/Lepori) at 225iu, 225iu, 225iu, and 150iu. We were planning on another 4-6 days of injections (minimum) before trigger. Well, as luck would have it, I'm evidently very sensitive to this medication and I have FOUR mature follicles already. Three on my right and one on my left, all measuring 17.6mm-19.1mm. RIDICULOUS. My endometrium was already a healthy 8.2mm with a triple layer, so it should be a nice and squishy landing pad in a couple days time (this is better than I have had in the last several cycles on trigger day!).
So, the plan is that I would do one more injection of 225iu this evening, then tomorrow at 10pm (Thursday, CD9) I will trigger and we will IUI around 10am on Saturday (CD11).
Within an hour or so of my injection this evening, my ovaries started protesting. . . evidently they weren't happy with another dose of drugs. My 9pm, I could barely stand up straight and had to hobble out to the car and swallow three ibuprofen. I made it home and am now snuggled up with the heating pad on my belly. Thankfully, the ibuprofen took the brunt of the pain away. I hope this doesn't mean early ovulation for me, I'll temp the next couple of mornings just in case. We are suppose to BD tonight anyway (thankfully the meds are working!) and then abstain until our Saturday morning collection time.
Here's to baby making! With luck, the New Year will bring glad tidings indeed!
When I went in to see Dr. Awesome this morning, I had taken 4 daily injections of generic Menopur (HMG/Lepori) at 225iu, 225iu, 225iu, and 150iu. We were planning on another 4-6 days of injections (minimum) before trigger. Well, as luck would have it, I'm evidently very sensitive to this medication and I have FOUR mature follicles already. Three on my right and one on my left, all measuring 17.6mm-19.1mm. RIDICULOUS. My endometrium was already a healthy 8.2mm with a triple layer, so it should be a nice and squishy landing pad in a couple days time (this is better than I have had in the last several cycles on trigger day!).
So, the plan is that I would do one more injection of 225iu this evening, then tomorrow at 10pm (Thursday, CD9) I will trigger and we will IUI around 10am on Saturday (CD11).
Within an hour or so of my injection this evening, my ovaries started protesting. . . evidently they weren't happy with another dose of drugs. My 9pm, I could barely stand up straight and had to hobble out to the car and swallow three ibuprofen. I made it home and am now snuggled up with the heating pad on my belly. Thankfully, the ibuprofen took the brunt of the pain away. I hope this doesn't mean early ovulation for me, I'll temp the next couple of mornings just in case. We are suppose to BD tonight anyway (thankfully the meds are working!) and then abstain until our Saturday morning collection time.
Here's to baby making! With luck, the New Year will bring glad tidings indeed!
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Clear for Take Off
Scan this morning revealed ovaries doing exactly what they should be doing. Yay! This means no needle aspiration for me (at least not today).
Because of an upcoming long weekend trip, we are manipulating my cycle. . . I'll continue the BCPs until Wednesday. Then on CD3, I will start injections of HMG Lepori (generic Menopur/Repronex). We will do a step down protocol. . . 3 vials (225iu)/day for 3 days, then 2 vials (150iu) on the 4th day and a scan on the 5th day (or CD7). Depending on that scan, we will decided to go up or down on the dosage. If things go according to the norm (and when do I ever follow the norm?), we may be back at the clinic for hopeful baby making on Christmas day.
Dr. Awesome said, "remind me again how you feel about twins or triplets?". :-) And reassured me that even with 6 mature follicles the chance of conceiving high order multiples (and staying pregnant to the magic 10 week mark) was slim to none given our history. However, we are slightly increased risk of triplets due to our past proven fertility but also have the fact working against us that getting and staying pregnant has been difficult. . . So, in a way we have a higher risk of being in that 10% triplet group and in another way we have a lower risk, especially of making it to the magic 10 week mark. He said to not be surprised even if we initially conceive three, if they don't all stick.
So, our plan is to proceed with up to 6 mature follicles at trigger (which reminds me, I need to order a refill!). If I have more than 6, Dr. Awesome will do a needle aspiration to remove the extras (to reduce risk of high order multiples and NOT cancel this cycle).
That photo above. . . that's my life for the next couple of weeks. I'm so excited to give myself injections. . . NOT. But, if it gets us a baby or two (heck, I'll even take three), then it's all worth it!
I feel really good about this cycle (ask me a week ago and I was ready to bag it all!). If this one doesn't work. . . well, then we are out of the medical route for a while. . . if it does, I'll have conceived just under the 35 year mark.
Monday, November 26, 2012
"Advanced" Maternal Age
What ugly words.
In a few weeks time, this Mama will be 35. The dreaded age in the fertility world. Is someone going to flip and switch and overnight, my ovarian reserve will decline and my chance of having a child drop dramatically? Somehow, I don't believe it'll be that sudden, but 35 is the age when pregnancy and live birth rates drop.
I certainly don't feel old or "advanced". Most days, I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
At 20, when I was struggling with absent menses and the inability to conceive (because, duh, ovulation is a requirement), I never really thought of it as a permanent problem. I certainly didn't have the emotional upheaval I've had this time around. Perhaps that's because for the vast majority of those cycles, I didn't ovulate so I never had to POAS and hope for two lines. I simply went in for a blood draw on CD21, got the news I hadn't ovulated and was started on Provera to get menses flowing. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Once I was switched over to an RE. . . we had a backwards cycle of suppression to knock the clomid out of my system. It seemed odd, but it worked. I didn't do blood draws, instead I was told to monitor my cycles (my education wasn't very good, but thankfully I'm neurotic and visited the library checking out every book on BBT charting I could find). Dr. RE told me to chart my temps and if I had a rise in temp for 18 days, I was likely pregnant and should test. I did exactly that. . . so I didn't test until Thanksgiving 1999 when I had a BBT rise for 18 days. It was positive. It was only my 4th ovulatory cycle, but of course, I'd had an HSG the cycle before (who knows if it helped?), we were young, my husband had great swimmers, etc. . .
Anyway, the point is. . .back then, with primary infertility and age on my side, I didn't really worry so much. I was naive enough (and wasn't on the computer sharing stories) to assume it would happen eventually. Thankfully it did.
So, now the question is. . . are we not conceiving merely because I am 34 years old and hubs is 41? Are my eggs old and not easily fertilized? Is it just because my lining is too thin that we aren't implanting (hence the longish LPs)? Is it because we can't get our timing right and so we don't have enough swimmers on fertile day? Is is because my cervix is still too damaged from the surgeries? Is it because I don't have much in the way of CM? Is it a combination? Ugh. . .
And now, I feel old. . . and yet, I don't feel old at all. Weird, that.
In a few weeks time, this Mama will be 35. The dreaded age in the fertility world. Is someone going to flip and switch and overnight, my ovarian reserve will decline and my chance of having a child drop dramatically? Somehow, I don't believe it'll be that sudden, but 35 is the age when pregnancy and live birth rates drop.
I certainly don't feel old or "advanced". Most days, I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
At 20, when I was struggling with absent menses and the inability to conceive (because, duh, ovulation is a requirement), I never really thought of it as a permanent problem. I certainly didn't have the emotional upheaval I've had this time around. Perhaps that's because for the vast majority of those cycles, I didn't ovulate so I never had to POAS and hope for two lines. I simply went in for a blood draw on CD21, got the news I hadn't ovulated and was started on Provera to get menses flowing. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Once I was switched over to an RE. . . we had a backwards cycle of suppression to knock the clomid out of my system. It seemed odd, but it worked. I didn't do blood draws, instead I was told to monitor my cycles (my education wasn't very good, but thankfully I'm neurotic and visited the library checking out every book on BBT charting I could find). Dr. RE told me to chart my temps and if I had a rise in temp for 18 days, I was likely pregnant and should test. I did exactly that. . . so I didn't test until Thanksgiving 1999 when I had a BBT rise for 18 days. It was positive. It was only my 4th ovulatory cycle, but of course, I'd had an HSG the cycle before (who knows if it helped?), we were young, my husband had great swimmers, etc. . .
Anyway, the point is. . .back then, with primary infertility and age on my side, I didn't really worry so much. I was naive enough (and wasn't on the computer sharing stories) to assume it would happen eventually. Thankfully it did.
So, now the question is. . . are we not conceiving merely because I am 34 years old and hubs is 41? Are my eggs old and not easily fertilized? Is it just because my lining is too thin that we aren't implanting (hence the longish LPs)? Is it because we can't get our timing right and so we don't have enough swimmers on fertile day? Is is because my cervix is still too damaged from the surgeries? Is it because I don't have much in the way of CM? Is it a combination? Ugh. . .
And now, I feel old. . . and yet, I don't feel old at all. Weird, that.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Suck Suck Suck
Beginning cycle scan today revealed. . . (drum roll please). . a huge CYST on my right ovary. No No NO!
What this means-
We have only the month of December to get this show on the road because as of January 1, my insurance benefits will be exhausted and we cannot afford to continue on our own at this time.
At first, my RE was all "we'll let you cycle on your own next time and then start the injections, blah blah blah". With tears in my eyes I informed him that would mean we are out for the time being as we can't keep going after the first of the year due to financial constraints.
So, the plan now is to take BCPs for 2-3 weeks. I return on the 9th for another scan and we are hoping that the cyst will be gone. Our other option is to aspirate the cyst with a needle inserted through my vaginal wall. Dr Awesome informed me that he doesn't like doing that but since "you are hardy" he would feel comfortable doing it. We didn't go straight for that because there is a risk of infection and the BCP could work. As long as we are ready to start injections around the 16th, we should have enough time to get the monitoring and IUI in before year end. *Fingers crossed and praying like a mad woman*.
I left the clinic with my tail between my legs and my boxes of injections in my hands. There was no lesson in giving the injections or baggie of syringes to go with. . . I'm praying these injections don't end up going to waste, it's not like we have the option of returning them.
I also received some other wonderful news today, I'm too old for shared IVF (where some other lucky lady would receive half my eggs in return for help with the cost of the cycle) and we have no apparent reason to not be pregnant yet as we are both now textbook "fertile". 24 cycles people. . . even at my "advanced maternal age of nearly 35" that's not normal. What's the statistic? Something like 85% of women "my age" conceive within two years.
In other news. I feel like I'm not allowed to be sad about our sub fertile status or mourn the baby we lost. . . because we have children. Yes, we have children. I have three and I am eternally grateful for them. Hubs has two and we are eternally grateful for them. This doesn't change the fact that I want a child with my husband. I fear losing my husband and not having our child to see him in (irrational, maybe). I am finally married to the man God intended for me. My life is pulled together. We are happy, moderately successful, and at least have enough money to make ends meet (and pay for things like orthodontia). It is incredibly unfair that we cannot have a child. I look around me and see all kinds of girls and women in bad situations having babies and laughing "don't drink the water!".
Am I greedy to desire this child? I don't think so. When I look into my amazing daughters faces, I see myself but I also see the man who hurt me in too many ways to count. I know I can't erase that (nor would I if it meant sacrificing those girls!), but I want to look into my child's face and know it was born of love. . .
What this means-
We have only the month of December to get this show on the road because as of January 1, my insurance benefits will be exhausted and we cannot afford to continue on our own at this time.
At first, my RE was all "we'll let you cycle on your own next time and then start the injections, blah blah blah". With tears in my eyes I informed him that would mean we are out for the time being as we can't keep going after the first of the year due to financial constraints.
So, the plan now is to take BCPs for 2-3 weeks. I return on the 9th for another scan and we are hoping that the cyst will be gone. Our other option is to aspirate the cyst with a needle inserted through my vaginal wall. Dr Awesome informed me that he doesn't like doing that but since "you are hardy" he would feel comfortable doing it. We didn't go straight for that because there is a risk of infection and the BCP could work. As long as we are ready to start injections around the 16th, we should have enough time to get the monitoring and IUI in before year end. *Fingers crossed and praying like a mad woman*.
I left the clinic with my tail between my legs and my boxes of injections in my hands. There was no lesson in giving the injections or baggie of syringes to go with. . . I'm praying these injections don't end up going to waste, it's not like we have the option of returning them.
I also received some other wonderful news today, I'm too old for shared IVF (where some other lucky lady would receive half my eggs in return for help with the cost of the cycle) and we have no apparent reason to not be pregnant yet as we are both now textbook "fertile". 24 cycles people. . . even at my "advanced maternal age of nearly 35" that's not normal. What's the statistic? Something like 85% of women "my age" conceive within two years.
In other news. I feel like I'm not allowed to be sad about our sub fertile status or mourn the baby we lost. . . because we have children. Yes, we have children. I have three and I am eternally grateful for them. Hubs has two and we are eternally grateful for them. This doesn't change the fact that I want a child with my husband. I fear losing my husband and not having our child to see him in (irrational, maybe). I am finally married to the man God intended for me. My life is pulled together. We are happy, moderately successful, and at least have enough money to make ends meet (and pay for things like orthodontia). It is incredibly unfair that we cannot have a child. I look around me and see all kinds of girls and women in bad situations having babies and laughing "don't drink the water!".
Am I greedy to desire this child? I don't think so. When I look into my amazing daughters faces, I see myself but I also see the man who hurt me in too many ways to count. I know I can't erase that (nor would I if it meant sacrificing those girls!), but I want to look into my child's face and know it was born of love. . .
Saturday, November 24, 2012
UGH.
I've known that my November cycle was a bust for 5 days. . . but, of course, my LP was 17 days AGAIN. It's torture to know there isn't a baby growing and to have AF not show up. The mind starts playing tricks, "well, maybe you ARE pregnant. . . maybe the tests were wrong. . . ".
And then, AF finally shows up.
I have 20 vials of HMG Lepori (European generic for Menopur/Repronex) waiting. . . but I was praying and hoping I wouldn't have to use them. I honestly thought I had purchased them as a safeguard. . . I was wasting the money, but I was okay with that because a viable pregnancy was worth it.
So. . . knowing my cycle failed. . . having AF show up. . . has brought torrents of tears. I'm scared. Having the injections here and actually using them are two very different things. I'm a bit worried about giving them to myself (in my rear, no less) but I've had no issues giving myself the HCG injection, so I'm sure I will be fine.
I didn't know (until I researched more) that the menotropins are made from the urine of menopausal women. Strange isn't it that we use a hormone from women who are done with their childbearing years to trick our bodies into being more fertile.
My fear also involves what ifs. . . what if the injections work too well and I end up with too many eggs to continue with an IUI cycle? We can't afford to switch to IVF if that happens and this is our last ditch effort since we will be out of funds for the foreseeable future after this cycle. I also worry that if this cycle drags out too long, we will hit the point where our 50% copay comes back (Jan. 1). We've already hit our out of pocket maximum this year so for the December cycle our insurance will cover 100% (excluding the injections) until I reach our lifetime maximum for infertility. After this cycle, our insurance benefit will be maxed out and we have already exhausted our medical savings account. So, it'll be back to the drawing board to figure out what's next.
I wish I had the option to convert this cycle to IVF if the need arises. I don't know how much it would cost to convert at the point of retrieval (full cycle is $8,500 + meds). My insurance might cover $2,000-$2,500 (depending on what's left of our benefit). I'm guessing we'd still need to pay $5-7k for retrieval, fertilization, & transfer (more if ICSI is needed or if there are embryos to freeze). Sure, we *could* charge it, but we are in the middle of refinancing our house to buy our in-laws out and we are carrying two mortgages (until we can sell the other house) and we are trying hard to pay off debt (my husband, the teacher man, just realized that over the last 15 years he has paid $32,000 toward his students loans. . . his original loan balance was $28,000 and we still have a balance of $20,000. He doesn't qualify for the federal pay off program of $17,500 even though he's taught both special education AND worked in a poverty level low income school for 15 years, guess why? Because he graduated a year too early for the program, so his slightly younger co-teachers are debt free and we are still slaving away at it, but I digress). We also have one child who just started round one of braces and two more about to start.
What I'm getting at here. . . yes, we could *technically* charge the cost but it would be irresponsible to do so. I wish I could wave a magic wand and figure out how to materialize the needed $. We don't qualify for scholarship programs because each of us has biological kids (just none together).
Some say, "why don't you just adopt". I would, if it were that easy. . . we have numerous factors against us. First, the cost ($20-$30k). Secondly, we have five kids between us and previous marriages, so those are both strikes against us in the selection process. Third, my husband is over 40 now which is the age when parents become less desirable in the matching process. Fourth, I came from an extremely difficult childhood. . . I've found the home study process for foster care to be so emotional grueling that I don't know if I can weather any more. I put away all my old wounds and allowed them to scar over. . . the home study process is like slicing open those scars and letting things fester again. I need to be emotionally healthy for the children we have and the children I take care of every day. . . I can't go through a traumatic process that may cause me to slip into a depression or have trouble focusing on the day to day obligations and needs of the 12-16 kids I care for every day.
I am seriously considering foster care adoption (if I can get beyond this emotional trauma part). . . it won't cost us much or anything. But, I won't get a baby and while I will open my home to as many children as God sees fit, I need a baby. I want my children to bond from infancy. . . I want to breastfeed. . . I want to watch my husband snuggle our little one to sleep (having watched him with the babies in my childcare makes my heart ache).
I can say without a doubt that if someone handed me $20,000 and said "this is for adoption", we would find the baby that is waiting for us. My husband has already stated over and over that he doesn't feel it's financially responsible to seek out adoption until we've paid down debt. That's why I state we'd have to be given funds for that purpose only. . . as we all know, that will never happen. So, in the meantime, I sit in this twilight zone. This place where I can't get pregnant and almost don't believe I ever will.
I keep having dreams that I suddenly find myself pregnant at 40 or 50, when my youngest is in high school (she's almost 8 now) and it causes me to question being open to children forever. How would I react to the news that I was starting over after my children were almost grown and I was looking forward to grandparenting years? My conviction is that I will remain open to children as long as I'm living. . . obviously, nature will play it's hand in time and I will no longer have the option of conception. My husband, already 41, is on the fence about his age and having babies in the house. We keep reminding ourselves that God has a plan, which we can never know, and He knows better than us in all things.
And then, AF finally shows up.
I have 20 vials of HMG Lepori (European generic for Menopur/Repronex) waiting. . . but I was praying and hoping I wouldn't have to use them. I honestly thought I had purchased them as a safeguard. . . I was wasting the money, but I was okay with that because a viable pregnancy was worth it.
So. . . knowing my cycle failed. . . having AF show up. . . has brought torrents of tears. I'm scared. Having the injections here and actually using them are two very different things. I'm a bit worried about giving them to myself (in my rear, no less) but I've had no issues giving myself the HCG injection, so I'm sure I will be fine.
I didn't know (until I researched more) that the menotropins are made from the urine of menopausal women. Strange isn't it that we use a hormone from women who are done with their childbearing years to trick our bodies into being more fertile.
My fear also involves what ifs. . . what if the injections work too well and I end up with too many eggs to continue with an IUI cycle? We can't afford to switch to IVF if that happens and this is our last ditch effort since we will be out of funds for the foreseeable future after this cycle. I also worry that if this cycle drags out too long, we will hit the point where our 50% copay comes back (Jan. 1). We've already hit our out of pocket maximum this year so for the December cycle our insurance will cover 100% (excluding the injections) until I reach our lifetime maximum for infertility. After this cycle, our insurance benefit will be maxed out and we have already exhausted our medical savings account. So, it'll be back to the drawing board to figure out what's next.
I wish I had the option to convert this cycle to IVF if the need arises. I don't know how much it would cost to convert at the point of retrieval (full cycle is $8,500 + meds). My insurance might cover $2,000-$2,500 (depending on what's left of our benefit). I'm guessing we'd still need to pay $5-7k for retrieval, fertilization, & transfer (more if ICSI is needed or if there are embryos to freeze). Sure, we *could* charge it, but we are in the middle of refinancing our house to buy our in-laws out and we are carrying two mortgages (until we can sell the other house) and we are trying hard to pay off debt (my husband, the teacher man, just realized that over the last 15 years he has paid $32,000 toward his students loans. . . his original loan balance was $28,000 and we still have a balance of $20,000. He doesn't qualify for the federal pay off program of $17,500 even though he's taught both special education AND worked in a poverty level low income school for 15 years, guess why? Because he graduated a year too early for the program, so his slightly younger co-teachers are debt free and we are still slaving away at it, but I digress). We also have one child who just started round one of braces and two more about to start.
What I'm getting at here. . . yes, we could *technically* charge the cost but it would be irresponsible to do so. I wish I could wave a magic wand and figure out how to materialize the needed $. We don't qualify for scholarship programs because each of us has biological kids (just none together).
Some say, "why don't you just adopt". I would, if it were that easy. . . we have numerous factors against us. First, the cost ($20-$30k). Secondly, we have five kids between us and previous marriages, so those are both strikes against us in the selection process. Third, my husband is over 40 now which is the age when parents become less desirable in the matching process. Fourth, I came from an extremely difficult childhood. . . I've found the home study process for foster care to be so emotional grueling that I don't know if I can weather any more. I put away all my old wounds and allowed them to scar over. . . the home study process is like slicing open those scars and letting things fester again. I need to be emotionally healthy for the children we have and the children I take care of every day. . . I can't go through a traumatic process that may cause me to slip into a depression or have trouble focusing on the day to day obligations and needs of the 12-16 kids I care for every day.
I am seriously considering foster care adoption (if I can get beyond this emotional trauma part). . . it won't cost us much or anything. But, I won't get a baby and while I will open my home to as many children as God sees fit, I need a baby. I want my children to bond from infancy. . . I want to breastfeed. . . I want to watch my husband snuggle our little one to sleep (having watched him with the babies in my childcare makes my heart ache).
I can say without a doubt that if someone handed me $20,000 and said "this is for adoption", we would find the baby that is waiting for us. My husband has already stated over and over that he doesn't feel it's financially responsible to seek out adoption until we've paid down debt. That's why I state we'd have to be given funds for that purpose only. . . as we all know, that will never happen. So, in the meantime, I sit in this twilight zone. This place where I can't get pregnant and almost don't believe I ever will.
I keep having dreams that I suddenly find myself pregnant at 40 or 50, when my youngest is in high school (she's almost 8 now) and it causes me to question being open to children forever. How would I react to the news that I was starting over after my children were almost grown and I was looking forward to grandparenting years? My conviction is that I will remain open to children as long as I'm living. . . obviously, nature will play it's hand in time and I will no longer have the option of conception. My husband, already 41, is on the fence about his age and having babies in the house. We keep reminding ourselves that God has a plan, which we can never know, and He knows better than us in all things.
Monday, November 5, 2012
What Infertility Looks Like
Despite the blood, this was a painless injection. The previous injections have been done by either my husband or a nurse at the clinic. This was the least painful injection. . . as in didn't hurt a bit and no bruise/lingering sting like I've had before. Just some bleeding. I've noticed that I'm bleeding more lately with pokes. . . my flu shot bleed like crazy last month. I'm not taking aspirin, so it's a bit odd, but not anything to worry about.
BTW- despite my complete failure to produce a living child these past two years, I'm considered "proven fertility" and "it's just a matter of time". This should make me feel better.
After our BMS tonight, I placed the order for 20 vials of Menopur. There's nothing like shelling out a whole lot of money to make an infertile dance a jig.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
CD11 Scan
I went in for a scan this morning to see how my follicles are developing. OPKs are unreliable for me and timing is a big concern for us so we decided early was the way to go this cycle.
My ovaries look great. I have four good sized follicles developing on my right ovary (otherwise known as my "good" side). I didn't pay perfect attention to the follicle sizes, but I know they were all between 14 & 18mm today. Monday afternoon I should trigger, we are thinking two more days of follicle development should put most of them around 21mm and hopefully allow my endometrium to thicken (it was only 6.3mm today).
This is the last clomid cycle for the foreseeable future. My lining isn't doing well and obviously I'm not getting pregnant on clomid. I'll place my order with IVFmeds.com on Monday for 20 vials of generic menopur. December we will do injections only. . . and that will be our last treatment cycle. We will have used up our insurance benefit and our medical savings plans. We can't afford the cost of an IVF cycle which would be the next step. (Wishing I had some great skill, like making beautiful quilts or stained glass so I could auction off items to help with the costs.)
I hate the idea of shelling out the money on injectables while I'm still in the middle of a cycle that *could* be successful. I guess if that happens, I will be so happy that donating the meds to the clinic won't be an issue. The good news is that by ordering the meds overseas through IVFmeds.com saves us a LOT of money. My RE says many women in the clinic use meds from there and they are all the same as meds in the U.S., except a whole lot less expensive.
My ovaries look great. I have four good sized follicles developing on my right ovary (otherwise known as my "good" side). I didn't pay perfect attention to the follicle sizes, but I know they were all between 14 & 18mm today. Monday afternoon I should trigger, we are thinking two more days of follicle development should put most of them around 21mm and hopefully allow my endometrium to thicken (it was only 6.3mm today).
This is the last clomid cycle for the foreseeable future. My lining isn't doing well and obviously I'm not getting pregnant on clomid. I'll place my order with IVFmeds.com on Monday for 20 vials of generic menopur. December we will do injections only. . . and that will be our last treatment cycle. We will have used up our insurance benefit and our medical savings plans. We can't afford the cost of an IVF cycle which would be the next step. (Wishing I had some great skill, like making beautiful quilts or stained glass so I could auction off items to help with the costs.)
I hate the idea of shelling out the money on injectables while I'm still in the middle of a cycle that *could* be successful. I guess if that happens, I will be so happy that donating the meds to the clinic won't be an issue. The good news is that by ordering the meds overseas through IVFmeds.com saves us a LOT of money. My RE says many women in the clinic use meds from there and they are all the same as meds in the U.S., except a whole lot less expensive.
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